Jiang Cheng: Roses are red, violets are blue
Jiang Cheng: Wei WuXian should be locked up in the zoo
Jiang Cheng, already brain dead from seeing the Wangxian couple: Some of you have never witnessed two idiots taking two lifetimes to get together and when they do they're all over each other and you can't be angry because they finally got the hint but you're still irritated and it fucking shows.
Jin Ling:
Jin Ling: J-jiujiu, I was just asking if you're okay.
Jiang Cheng: No.
Lan Xichen, in the distance who just walked into the room where the couple was and accidentally read his brother's face: OH MY GOD LAN WANGJI I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
Jin Ling, exasperated: And it seems Hanguang-jun's brother isn't as well.
Wei Wuxian: Lesbians. What is your wisdom
Jiang Yanli: world hard and cold... tiddy soft and warm.
Wen Qing: girl hot
A-Qing: watch naruto
Lan Jingyi, outside Jin Ling's house, calling him: Hey, I'm outside open up.
Jin Ling: As a baby, I lost my mom to the blade and my father took an arrow-
Lan Jingyi: Open the fucking door-
Wei Wuxian: wen qing wont tell you this but reattaching a limb isnt that hard, what's hard is getting it to stay after it's had a taste of freedom
Yiling Patriarch!Wei Wuxian: I’m going to nickname my child lil Bitch
Jiang Cheng: i see you’re passing on the family name
Wei Wuxian: Way to go, Jiang Cheng! Way to make a mess of things!
Jiang Cheng: ME?!
Wei Wuxian: I KNOW! I just wanted to say it, for once, instead of hearing it!
Kidnappers: We have your brother!
Jiang Cheng: I don't have a brother.
Kidnappers: Yes you do.
Jiang Cheng: [sighs] Fine, yes I do. What do you want?
Kidnappers: Please take him back.
Jiang Cheng: ... Aren't you supposed to ask for a ransom or something?
Kidnappers: No. We'll actually pay you if you come and take him away, he's so annoying, we can't stand it!
Jiang Cheng: [cackles and ends the call]
Wei Wuxian: I can raise the dead. I'm a badass demonic cultivator that can rip you apart with his bare hands. And I...
Lan Wangji: [smiles]
Wei Wuxian: ...am soft
Lan Qiren: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous; if it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Lan Jingyi: What if it bites me and it dies?
Lan Qiren: That means you’re poisonous. Honestly, Jingyi, learn to listen.
Wei Wuxian: What if it bites itself and I die?
Jin Ling: It’s voodoo.
Lan Sizhui: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Lan Qiren: That’s correlation, not causation.
Lan Wangji: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?
Wei Wuxian: That’s kinky~
Lan Qiren: No.
Lan Wangji: I’ve been dropping subtle hints that I like him
Wei Wuxian, walks into library pavilion:
Lan Wangji: Scram!
Xue Yang: I really hate Xiao XingChen
Xue Yang: he died so good riddance
Xue Yang: he's such a loser lol
Xue Yang: totally not gonna miss him haha
Xue Yang, in tears, clutching the piece of candy in his palm: please fix his golden core I'm begging you I'll do anything I-
Submitted by anonymous
Jiang Cheng: Here's a package from Lan Qiren
Wei Wuxian: What's in it?
Jiang Cheng: I don't know
Wei Wuxian: Oh it's heavy
Jiang Cheng: It's probably his disappointment in you.
Submitted by anonymous
Wei Wuxian: Hey sexy
Lan Wangji: Hi
Wei Wuxian: Your sexy.
Lan Wangji: What about my sexy?
Wei Wuxian: It left. Went home. Ever since u decided to be a lil bitch. I know the difference between your and y’our. This is fucking Grindr not spelling bee central.
i regret nothing
[ in a field of chrysanthemums ]
Wei Wuxian: Whoa! That's a lot of chrysanthemums. Let's go pick some, Lan Zhan!
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: Hey, Lan Zhan! Which one of these that you'd like to have?
Lan Wangji: [stares intensely at WWX ass]
Lan Jingyi & Jin Ling: [freaking out because they feel the caffeine from some coffee]
Wei Wuxian: CALM THE FUCK DOWN IT'S COFFEE NOT COCAINE
Lan Sizhui: You guys are scaring me...
Nie Mingjue : ahh, it’s fall. everything is falling.
Nie Mingjue: the leaves.
Nie Mingjue: my grades.
Nie Mingjue: Jin Guangyao.
[Proceeds to push Jin Guangyao down the stairs]