Yiling Patriarch!Wei Wuxian: I’m going to nickname my child lil Bitch
Jiang Cheng: i see you’re passing on the family name
Lan Wangji, trying to flirt: I like your name.
Wei Wuxian: Thanks! I got it for my birthday.
Lan Wangji’s 100 billion braincells: You sure you want that one?
Xue Yang: In ten years, I guarantee I'll be Daozhang's second husband.
A-Qing: What happened to the first?
Xue Yang: Nothing you can prove.
Wei Wuxian: Hey.
Lan Wangji: Why did you dim the lights?
Wei Wuxian: To save power!
Wei Wuxian: And I wanna suck your dick.
(Submitted by: @littlemissrainhoe ^^)
Xiao Xingchen: Do you want to hear a funny joke?
Xue Yang: I'm more into dark humor.
Xiao Xingchen, turning off the lights: So, a duck walks into a bar...
(Submitted by: @littlemissrainhoe ^^)
Kidnapper, on the phone: We have your son.
Lan Wangji: [looks at ShiZui beside him] Actually, I'm holding him.
Kidnapper, getting frustrated: Then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Lan Wangji: Oh god.
Kidnapper: What?
Lan Wangji: You have my husband.
(Submitted by: @littlemissrainhoe ^^)
Jiang Cheng: Some of you have never watched everything you love and value in life crumble and then have your brother leave you and your sister and her husband die in front of your eyes, leaving your one month old nephew alone in this world, and you can't do shit to stop it because how else could a single person manage to muck up that much out of their own free will, and it shows.
Jin Ling, already in tears: Uncle please I just want a sandwich.
(Submitted by: @topshelfpanda ^^)
Wei Wuxian: Yeah, I’d say I’m great in bed.
Wei Wuxian: I could sleep for days without end.
Wen Qing: Your future self is talking shit about you.
YP!Wei Wuxian: Jokes on him, I’ll ruin his fucking life.
Jiang Cheng: There is a tree out there growing wood for your coffin.
Wei Wuxian: Bold of you to assume my body will be found.
Lan Jingyi, shining a flashlight under the bed: You ready to stop being mad, babe?
Jin Ling: [hisses]
Lan Jingyi, pulling away: Alrighty then.
Lan Qiren: All my nephews’ snacks are organic.
Jiang Fengmian: Cool. My kids eat candy off the floor.
Jiang Cheng, to Wei Wuxian: Somewhere out there is a tree that is tirelessly producing oxygen so that you can breathe.
Jiang Cheng: I think you owe it an apology.
Wei Wuxian, while marrying Lan Wangji: Haha it's just a prank bruh.
(Submitted by: @parfles ^^)
Wei Ying likes it spicy
Wei Wuxian: Lan-er gege, let's try spicing things up in the bedroom~
Lan Wangji: Mm.
[later]
Wei Wuxian: What's this on the bed?
Lan Wangji: [intense stare] Chili.
Wei Wuxian:
Wei Wuxian: [jumps Lan Wangji]
(Submitted by: @littlemissrainhoe ^^)
Wei Wuxian: What do you think about spicing things up?
Lan Wangji: You know I can’t handle spicy food.
Wei Wuxian: No, I mean in the bedroom.
Lan Wangji: I can’t handle spicy food anywhere, Wei Ying.
(Submitted by: @littlemissrainhoe ^^)
Wei Wuxian: [smiles awkwardly]
Jiang Cheng: What’s wrong with your face?
Wei Wuxian: I like your hair.
Jiang Cheng: What did you do?
(Submitted by: @littlemissrainhoe ^^)