Duke: Have you ever read something so explicit that you feel like you need to go to church and stay there for a year?
Cullen: Send it to me.
Anonymous asked:
What did Alfred do in the Vatican? He insult the popes table manners?
He and the Pope are tight
It's the cardinals that hate him
Stephanie: One time I got in a Twitter argument I didn't really have any investment in so I drew an MS Paint doodle of myself as Christ on the cross and for some reason that didn't de-escalate the argument.
Which one of the trinity is the bad influence?
Between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I'd have to go with the son
Jason: One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me, "What the hell did you do to your hair?" because I had a white streak through it and I said, "What the hell did you do to your eyebrow?" and he sent me outside.
Jason: When I came back in, he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it meant a religion that worshipped only one god because "mono" means "one" as in monobrow and he sent me out again.
Anonymous asked:
What about people? Who has Alfred banned from the house?
- A rival butler from Britain
- Hal Jordan on New Year's Eve
- Vicky Vale
- The two dozen people cosplaying as an angry mob when Duke joined a LARPing club
- Clark for like one week when Bruce was mad at him
- Mitch McConnell
- Dick's weird stalker fangirl
- An Uber Eats delivery guy who just wouldn't leave
- Lex Luthor
- A pair of Jehovah's Witnesses who came around multiple times a day for several days
- Thirty-three paparazzi reporters
- Beast Boy during shedding season
- The drunk guy that dropped a huge turd on the porch
- Adam Sandler
Damian: If there's a "heavens no" and a "hell yes" why isn't there a "purgatory maybe"?
Jason: Purghaps.
[trying to exorcise Damian]
Jason, holding a cross: I say unto thee, the power of Christ compels you!
Damian: Oh, does it? Does it compel me?
Jason: The power of Christ compels you!
Damian: Does it, Todd?
Jason: The power of Christ compels you!
Damian: Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?
Jason: The power of Christ compels you!
Damian: Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Tim, after consuming enough caffeine to kill three horses, crawling around the room rapidly: WHERE ARE THE FRESH CHILDREN FOR ME TO FEAST UPON?
Dick, holding up a cross, backing himself into a corner: What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK—
Stephanie: I need more time to make my Christmas list.
Bruce: You already gave me your Christmas list.
Stephanie: That was just the first page.
Anonymous asked:
Now I need to hear Tim and Duke's 12 days of Christmas song
On the twelfth day of Batmas, my heroes gave to me
twelve cups of coffee,
eleven Spoiler waffles,
ten mission briefings,
nine Red Hood helmets,
eight Nightwings flipping,
seven Robin costumes,
six Super partners,
five Oracles,
four Gotham Rogues,
three Batgirls,
two Pennyworths,
and a Bruce who won’t quit adopting.
Anonymous asked:
What are all the batfam doing on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day?
Placed under the cut for length
Anonymous asked:
each BATFAM biggest fear?
I’ve done this before, but since I like to keep things light on this blog, I won’t go into actual legitimate fears, so here are the Batfam’s most absurd ones instead.
Dick: God smiting him with a giant fly swatter
Jason: his gun spontaneously melting in his hand and leaving him permanently scarred
Tim: getting a spoon permanently wedged in his bellybutton
Damian: Bruce unhinging his jaw like a snake and swallowing the entire Batcave
Duke: Damian bringing home a tarantula from the zoo and storing it in Duke’s backpack and Duke accidentally takes it to school, where it escapes into the science lab, drinks some freaky chemical cocktail, grows to the size of the planet, and swallows everything whole and the survivors have to rebuild civilization from inside the stomach with no supplies like cavemen and there’s no escape so they get digested
Cullen: accidentally swallowing an entire stick of deodorant
Stephanie: being chased by a demonically possessed flying sock puppet
Cassandra: waking up to find an Elf on the Shelf in the bed next to her
Barbara: computer viruses escaping the computer and infecting her with a real disease
Harper: someone stealing her socks right off her in broad daylight while she’s out in public
Carrie: getting lost at Build-A-Bear and having to survive on cotton stuffing
Kate: the opening scene of Ghost Ship (view at your own discretion)
Alfred: sponges coming back to life when they touch water
Bruce: his kids finding his nonexistent stash of Superman merch
Jason: What happens when you die?
Bruce: You go to heaven.
Jason: No, I mean, when you die, do I get your stuff?
Anonymous asked:
!!!!! you mentioned a lithuanian pagan goddess! that's so amazing! i have honestly never ever seen any of our pagan gods or goddesses mentioned anywhere, so that was incredibly nice to see! thank you ❤️
I looked up “animal gods” and it was the first one that came up that covers all animals
Anonymous asked:
batfam as mythological gods/goddesses
(in case you can’t tell, most of my mythology knowledge comes from Percy Jackson)
Dick: Hermes, the Greek god of travelers and messengers
Jason: Nemesis, the Greek goddess of revenge
Tim: Hebe, the Greek goddess of youth (since DC won’t let Tim grow up)
Damian: Medeina, the Lithuanian goddess of forests and animals
Duke: Apollo, the Greco-Roman god of light, music, and healing
Cullen: Mórrigan, the Celtic goddess of war, destiny, fate, and death
Stephanie: Persephone, the Greek goddess of spring
Cassandra: Bellona, the Roman goddess of battle strategy
Barbara: Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom
Harper: Hephaestus, the Greek god of fire and the forge
Carrie: Loki, the Norse trickster god
Kate: Cupid, the Roman god of love
Alfred: not technically a god, but Father Time
Bruce: Tyche, the Greek goddess of fortune and prosperity
Anonymous asked:
i apologize if you've already been asked this before, but if you were to describe each memeber of the fam in one word, what would it be?
An asterisk (*) denotes what I’m speculating because these characters haven’t had enough canon development.
Brace yourselves for the grossest oversimplifications yet.