#source: tiktok – @incorrectbatfam on Tumblr

incorrectbatfam

Duke: I love these new WayneTech phones.

Jason: Take one.

Duke: What?

Jason: Take it home. I do it all the time. They have plenty, trust me.

Bruce, entering: Plenty of what?

Jason: Plenty of fish sticks in the cafeteria. He was asking if they're out.

Bruce: If they're all out, I'll tell you they're all out, alright?

Bruce: *leaves*

Duke: Jason, I'm not gonna steal from the company.

Jason: If you came over to my safehouse, you'd see my whole setup is Wayne Enterprises stuff. The electronics, the furniture, the salt and pepper shakers.

Duke: Are you serious?

Jason: Steph, do you ever take stuff home from here?

Stephanie: I take the gala champagne glasses home. Give 'em away as gifts. It's a perk.

Jason: It's like a monthly bonus.

Duke: It's stealing! Tim wouldn't do it.

Tim: Do what?

Duke: Take Wayne Enterprises stuff home.

Tim: No, but I do keep a bunch of clean coffee mugs in the trunk of my car and I bring them in every day for Bruce to check and then I put them back so I don't have to wash the dishes in the break room.

incorrectbatfam

Dick: What's the situation?

Comm. Gordon: We got a fortune teller here. Looks like she's been murdered. We still don't know why, we were hoping you could help us with that, Nightwing.

Dick: Hm... well, that's just...

Dick: *puts shades on*

Dick: Un-FORTUNE-ate.

Dick: *turns dramatically and leaves*

Comm. Gordon: No— Nightwing— uh yeah, she— where are you going? We still have to— Nightwing? Nightwing! We still— the body?!

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incorrectbatfam

Bruce: What do you think of this coffee sampler pack?

Duke: That's a good selection of all of their high-end blends.

Bruce: This will be perfect for Margie's birthday.

Duke: Wait... Margie? Your nemesis on the PTA?

Bruce: Yes, she drinks the free garbage coffee in the break room at the school.

Duke: You hate her. Why would you get her a gift?

Bruce: After this, she'll know what real coffee tastes like and won't be able to go back. She'll have to brew her own or stop at a fancy place each morning. This gift will cost her thousands of dollars a year.

incorrectbatfam

Dick: So Rosh Hashanah is a time for new beginnings and I want to get something off my chest. I'm the one who broke the porch light.

Damian: I knew it.

Bruce: You broke the light?

Jason: I got blamed for that!

Tim: I still have glass in my foot from that light.

Dick: This is what happens when you try to do the right thing, which is why I came prepared.

Bruce: Prepared for what?

Dick: Jason has a tattoo he's been hiding from Bruce for over a year.

Bruce: Jason!

Jason: No I don't! He's lying!

Dick: Tim dropped out of college two months ago and hasn't told anyone.

Selina: Tim, what?!?

Dick: Bruce has been cheating on the diet you guys started.

Selina: Are you kidding me?

Dick: He took me to Batburger last night.

Selina: You told me you were sticking to that!

Dick: Damian actually isn't allergic to Selina's spaghetti sauce, he just doesn't wanna eat it. He likes Alfred's better.

Selina: Damian!

Dick: Selina set up monthly payments from Bruce's bank account to pay for her spa treatments.

Selina, to Damian: You don't like my sauce?!

Bruce, gesturing to Jason: You're worried about the sauce? This one over here's got a tattoo.

Selina: You haven't stuck to your diet.

Bruce, gesturing to Tim: This one over here quit school. You're worried about me eating a burger?

Selina: Tim, that's a joke right?

Everyone: *arguing*

Dick: Shanah tovah. I feel a lot better.

incorrectbatfam

[texting]

Tim: Hey are you home?

Dick:

Tim: Are you home?

Dick:

Tim: Hello?

Dick:

Tim: I'm locked outside, can you open the door?

Dick:

Tim: ANSWER ME.

Dick: Yeah I'm home, what's up?

Tim: Where have you been?!

Dick: My fault, I was in the shower.

Tim: It's been THREE HOURS.

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incorrectbatfam

[in the car]

Damian: Aww.

Selina: What's wrong?

Damian: It's gone.

Selina: What is?

Damian: My tarantula.

Bruce: *tenses up*

Selina: Okay, was it in the jar when we left the house?

Damian: Well yeah, I was just feeding it.

Bruce, paralyzed with fear: Selina, find the spider.

Selina: Bruce, I'm trying.

Bruce: Selina.

Selina: Don't stress me, sweetie. Where were you feeding it?

Damian: On the seat.

Bruce: I have a phobia of spiders, you know this!

Selina: Bruce, just calm down.

Bruce: Oh God, oh man...

Selina: Look under your seat, look under your dad's seat.

Damian: I did, it's not there.

Selina: Sweetie, does it have a name? Can we call it?

Bruce: Oh God.

Damian: Fred.

Selina: Fred? Okay. Fred?! Come here, Fred!

Bruce: OH GOD, OH MAN!

[later at school]

Damian: ... Which is how I was able to bring him here to show everyone today.

Damian: *holds up empty jar*

Damian: Aww.

incorrectbatfam

[texting]

Tim: Yo.

Jason: Yo.

Tim: Are you gonna be home for dinner?

Jason: I'm on patrol until midnight.

[5 minutes later]

Tim: Alfred's still asking.

Jason: Did you tell him that I wouldn't be home?

Tim: Sorry, I forgot.

Jason: Go tell him that I won't be home.

[10 minutes later]

Tim: Alfred's asking where you are.

Jason: Are you not telling him where I am?!

Tim: I forgot to tell him, I made coffee.

incorrectbatfam

Duke: *is bored at the dinner table*

Duke: Hey Dick, that's a cool jacket. Isn't it Jason's, though?

Jason: Yes, that is my jacket. Why are you taking my jacket?

Dick: What are you talking about?

Jason: You never asked.

Dick: This is literally mine.

Jason: No it's not.

Dick: We have the same jacket.

Jason: No we don't.

Dick: We literally bought the same one.

Dick and Jason: *overlapping stupidity*

Duke: *sits back and enjoys*

incorrectbatfam

Tim: *walks in on Bruce eating all the cookies*

Tim: What's going on here?

Bruce: *hands him $20*

Bruce: What did you see?

Tim: I saw you downstairs eating an apple.

Bruce: Good boy.

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incorrectbatfam

Stephanie: Damian, what do I owe you for this?

Damian: The total was $54 so it's $18 per person.

Stephanie: What's your Venmo?

Damian: I don't have Venmo. Zelle me.

Stephanie: I don't have Zelle.

Damian: Everybody has Zelle. It's built into your bank app.

Stephanie: I don't know how to use it.

Damian: You press a button and enter a phone number. Have a little faith in yourself.

Jason: Any chance you got CashApp?

Stephanie: CashApp?

Damian: Todd, what criminal underworld are you caught up in?

Stephanie: What are you, scamming people on Instagram?

incorrectbatfam

Clark: You gotta come up to the lake house sometime.

Selina: Yeah, sure.

Bruce: Yeah, man, just invite us up.

Clark: Yeah, Lois and I will be up there all summer probably.

Bruce: Cool, just tell us when to come.

Selina: Yeah, just give us a day.

Clark: You gotta come up.

Bruce: When?

Clark: Yeah, I'll throw some chicken on the grill. I got a nice grill up there.

Bruce: Where is it?

Clark: Up at the... lake.

Bruce: Where?

Clark: Oh, it's up at the house.

Bruce: No, not the grill. Where's the house?

Clark: It's right by the lake. Can't miss it.

Bruce: What lake?

Clark: It's right by the house. I'll show you if you come up, it's right by... my lake house.

Bruce: Well, I will come up.

Selina: Yeah, I'll come up too.

Clark: Yeah, come up. Come up.

Bruce:

Clark:

Selina: This is gonna be so fun when it happens.

#source: tiktok #bruce wayne #batman #selina kyle #catwoman #clark kent #superman #justice league #batcat #batfamily #incorrect batfamily quotes #batfam #batman family #incorrect quotes #incorrect dc quotes #dc comics #tw food mention

incorrectbatfam

Dick: Hey, did you get Bruce something for Father's Day?

Duke: Uh...

Tim: I thought Damian was gonna get the gift.

Damian: I thought Todd was gonna get the gift.

Jason: Shit.

Duke: Shit.

Tim: Shit.

Dick: Shit.

Jason: He's gonna think I'm a bad son.

Damian: Oh no, he already knows that.

Selina: Hey, just a reminder that Father's Day is today!

The batboys: We know, Selina!

Dick: Okay, let's think.

Duke, panicking: Shit shit shit shit...

Tim: What does Bruce like?

Jason: How am I supposed to know? I'm his son, I don't know the guy.

Damian: Does he want a mug?

Tim, typing into the Batcomputer: Do dads enjoy mugs?

Dick: No, don't google that!

Tim, reading off a website: There's a leather toiletry bag, a "Ways to annoy a conservative" whiskey glass, a foraging knife...

Jason: He's not a Yellowstone character.

Tim: Omaha steaks, a beef jerky bouquet...

Duke: He's not a pitbull either!

Tim: What do you want me to do?

Damian: Just buy him the mug.

Jason, sarcastically: Oh, great idea.

Dick: Just buy the thing.

Damian, writing the message for the mug: "First I was your sperm, then your son, but really now we're much more like colleagues."

The Batcomputer: *boop*

Tim: I bought it.

Duke: We suck.

The other batboys: Yep.

incorrectbatfam

Bruce: What are mlm and wlw?

Duke: Multi-level marketing and wulti-level warketing.

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incorrectbatfam

[texting]

Duke: I can't remember a song. Can you help me?

Tim: I'm at work but sure.

Duke: Okay, it goes like this.

Duke: Buh buh buh bum bum bum ba buh bum bum bum bum bum bum bum—

Tim: Stop. Stop.

Duke: —bum bum bum bum bum bum bum—

Tim: What am I supposed to do with this?

Duke: That's how the song goes.

Tim: I cannot listen to a text message.

Duke: But the song goes like buh buh buh buh buh buh buh—

Tim: THAT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL.

Duke: PLEASE JUST HELP ME.

Tim: WHERE DID THE THINKING STOP?

Duke: Oh I found it, never mind.

Duke's phone: {You have been blocked by this number}

incorrectbatfam

Robin!Dick: I feel like you’re judging me.

Ivy: I am not judging you. I am HEAVILY judging your mentor.

incorrectbatfam

[after Bruce asks them to start making money]

Damian, carrying a painting: Where can I get this appraised?

Dick and Steph: *pull up in a sports car*

Dick: Quick, we gotta get the plates off.

Steph: Open the garage, let's go.

Jason: Hey guys, don't wait up. I'm working late tonight.

Jason: *puts on a ski mask*

Tim and Cass: *breaking open a safe*

incorrectbatfam

Bruce: Why do you smell like weed?

Jason: How do you know what weed smells like?

Bruce: I—

Jason: Aha, busted! You're grounded for a week!

#source: tiktok #bruce wayne #batman #jason todd #red hood #batfamily #batfam #batboys #batbros #batkids #batsiblings #batman family #incorrect batfamily quotes #incorrect quotes #incorrect dc quotes #dc comics #tw drug mention