Bofur: I have only slept nine hours in the past five days and am on the edge of a mental breakdown Bofur: *bites into his cellphone* Bofur: This isn’t a bagel
Bofur: Hey, Bilbo. Bilbo: What? Bofur: Are you awake? Bilbo: Who the fuck do you think said "what"
Bilbo: WHY IS BAG END ON FIRE?
Thorin: a dragon sneezed.
Bofur: I tried to light a cigar with a flame thrower.
Dwalin: Dropped my latest mix tape.
Bilbo: Kili, please tell me what happened.
Kili: Um.
[flashback to Thorin and Dwalin arguing with Bofur that it was impossible to light a fire extinguisher on fire]
Kili: I don’t remember.
Kili: I need you to check under my bed for monsters.
Bofur: Look, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there's a monster it's gonna kill us both.
Bofur: *Out on his first Tinder date*
Bofur: *Looking around*
Bofur: I'm sorry, but will the dog in your profile photo be joining us?
Bofur, wearing an apron and towel over his shoulder: Thorin!
Kili, also wearing an apron: Hey, you’re home!
Thorin: ..wha-
Dwalin: I fixed the windows for you!
Fili, opening the oven: I made dinner!
Dori: We missed you!
Thorin: Everyone, pleas-
Thorin: We’re in ikea, behave.
Dwalin: What are your goals?
Bofur: To pet all the dogs.
Dwalin: No, fitness goals.
Bofur: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.
Bofur: You know what’s a stupid saying?
Bofur: ‘It’s always in the last place you look’
Bofur: ‘Cause what kind of idiot keeps looking after they’ve already found what they’re looking for?
Bilbo, with his head under the pillow: It’s 2am don’t you have your own home to complain in?
Bofur:… Thorin told me to come and complain to you
Bilbo: *holding up a pair of boxers* Thorin! Stop leaving your panties on the stairs!
Thorin: Stop! I don’t like that word!
Bofur: Well too bad! Stairs stairs stairs!
Bilbo:
Thorin:
Bilbo: He meant panties
Bard: Move it, Kili, I’m claustrophobic!
Kili: What does claustrophobic mean?
Bofur: It means he’s afraid of Santa Claus.
Bofur: I’m not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy but so far it’s not twenty seven
Waiter: [hands Bofur his check] your bill sir Bofur: [places down uno reverse card] here you go
Bofur: I'm hardcore. A real gangster. I've even been to jail. Kili: You have??! Bofur: Yes, in Monopoly.
Bilbo: Could you go to the store and get a carton of milk and if they have avocados get six Bofur: ok Bofur, returning later with six cartons of milk: They had avocados
Bofur, tearing up: A MOSQUITO TRIED TO BITE ME AND I SLAPPED IT AND KILLED IT AND I STARTED THINKING LIKE IT WAS JUST TRYING TO GET FOOD WHAT IF I WENT TO THE FRIDGE AND IT JUST SLAMMED THE DOOR SHUT AND SNAPPED MY NECK HOW WOULD I FEEL
Bilbo, hoping for a normal day: Good morning Bofur: I'm gonna try to become left-handed
Fili: have you ever been to an animal hospital
Bofur: no
Bofur, imagining a puppy in a lab coat with a tiny stethoscope: but I want to go