Oikawa: I see something beautiful in your eyes.
Iwaizumi: What?
Oikawa: Me, obviously!
Oikawa: Being nice gets you taken advantage of a lot more than being an asshole. It makes you naive. Like a child.
Iwaizumi: You’re right, “I like to be mean because it benefits me. Being nice is for babies” is a very mature attitude.
Iwaizumi: You’re pouting.
Oikawa: I’m not pouting. I’m brooding. Which is how sexy men pout.
Iwaizumi, being carried out by security: WAIT! Wait! Oikawa! Tell this man that you know me!
Oikawa, lying: ...And you are...?
Security: [proceeds]
Iwaizumi: OIKAWA!
Oikawa: I am well known for my good looks, charm, confidence, wit, and wild sex appeal.
Iwaizumi: And humility. Can’t forget how humble you are.
Iwaizumi: You have the right to remain silent.
Oikawa: Do I have the ability though?
Iwaizumi: Remember: sticks and stones may break your bones-
Oikawa, singing: But chains and whips excite me~
Iwaizumi: NO!
Oikawa: Have you ever been arrested?
Iwaizumi: Yeah.
Oikawa: I was going to say ‘because it’s illegal to be that hot’ but now I’m curious.
Iwaizumi: Monopoly.
Iwaizumi: Kyotani has something he would like to say to you, Kindaichi.
Kyotani: I suck at apologies so... unfuck you or whatever.
Iwaizumi: I would like to propose-
Oikawa: Yes, I will marry you!
Iwaizumi: -an idea.
Oikawa: Well, that idea better be to propose to me.
Oikawa: How about we get rid of Kageyama?
Iwaizumi: Shittykawa, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of Kageyama, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"
Oikawa: Damn!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart! But the very next day, you said that was gay!
Oikawa Tōru, singing to Iwaizumi Hajime
Oikawa, about Seijoh: So, how’d you convince all of them to betray me? What’d you offer them?
Iwaizumi: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
Matsukawa: Hey, Makki, are you a painting?
Hanamaki: Uhm, no?
Matsukawa: Because I’d like to nail you against the wall.
Iwaizumi: Thank god. I thought you were going to say that you wanted to hang him-
Priest: Do you take this man, Hajime Iwaizumi, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Oikawa: There’s been a mistake...
Audience: [gasps]
Iwaizumi: Hey-
Oikawa: Something isn’t right...
Oikawa: THOSE FLOWERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PEONIES. YOU HAD ONE JOB.
Iwaizumi: Shittykawa, I'm falling.
Oikawa: For me?
Iwaizumi: No! Off the bed! Stop pushing!
Oikawa: So, I have this beautiful volleyball.
Oikawa: Iwa-chan gave it to me.
Iwaizumi: I threw it at you!
Oikawa: He's very sweet.