Blue Skies

The last few years have just disappeared, wow. It's my 21st birthday tomorrow and its been:

-4 years since I tried to take my life

-4 years since I lost someone important to me

-4 years since I got diagnosed

-4 years since I started recovery

-3 years since I got my drivers licence

-3 years since I finished school

-2 and a half years since I met the love of my life

I got so caught up with life and how fast it was moving that I forgot about this blog, but the positivity that I posted in the past has inspired me to start adding to this page again.

Since I last posted I found out that I most likely have ADHD and am on the Autistic spectrum- I have also discovered and embraced my gender identity and sexuality thanks to my wonderful partner coming out as a trans woman!

Just goes to show, nothing turns out as you expect. But I'm finishing my second year at uni next month, and it sort of hit me that I want to live. For the first time I'm not 'on the fence' about life; I'm genuinely happy. There are things in the past that still hurt me, I still suffer from my mental illnesses of course, and there are things I stress about and fear like everyone does, but I have so many blessings, many of which I have worked hard to get which gives me such a feeling of fulfillment. I want to keep posting to this blog, through future times, good and bad. I hope it can give some comfort to people who were in the same dark place I was only a few years ago.

Anyway, rambling! Take care everyone. Sending so much warmth to those who feel cold right now. ❤

My recovery is absolute chaos.

Don’t expect to only have little blips or minor set backs whilst you’re trying to get better, because it’ll really get you down when things start to go sour. MAJOR mistakes and relapses SUCK but they’re OKAY.

It’s OKAY to feel depressed for no reason,

To have anxious weeks,

To want to return to unhelpful coping mechanisms or crave certain substances,

It doesn’t mean you’re ‘losing’ at recovery. What goes up must come down, but it’s also true the other way around. Often, the greatest progress can be made during a really bad patch.

I’m doing really bad with my anxiety at the moment, but I’m still pushing, because I believe that, yes, bad times signal good things are in the works. Improvement takes elbow grease, so naturally you’re going to stumble throughout the job.

My birthday has rolled around again! I still remember when I made the post about getting to my 18th birthday and how surprised I was... so I think this speaks for itself. Thanks for all of your support so far, I hope we can keep recovering together throughout next year as well ❤️

There will be bad days, there will be good, but eventually you will get to a point in your life where the good days out number the bad. Stay strong. Holding onto the hope and courage to grow and change are what keeps life going ❤️

I went back to the beach for the first time since before I got really ill :)

I saw some places that had really bad memories attached to them, but mostly I was just relieved to be back. My world isn’t shrinking anymore, and I’m slowly taking it back and growing into the person I want to be.

Hullo! Sorry for the mini hiatus

I’ve just been surprisingly busy with just life 😅

I got my driving licence yesterday! That’s like- well when my examiner told me I thought I was hearing things. I was like- huh? What? Did you mean failed?

Nope- passed!

It means so much to me, because as you guys know, I’ve been caged in in a really tiny world for so long, and now because I persevered with driving even though it terrified me sometimes (all the time) it’s gotten just that bit bigger. I’m over the moon!

Obviously my anxiety isn’t just going to go away because I can drive now, but it’s going to help me explore the world a bit more and feel like a ‘normal person’ again. And for now, that’s all I want. I cannot tell you how much driving has helped my confidence grow- I’m not sure why, but it really did help. So if you’re of age and you’re looking for something to push yourself... driving helped me, so you could give that a go! 🚗 stay strong and remember that success takes time, and failures. ❤️ I failed more time than I succeeded but each time I learnt a little more.

I’ll do a longer post about this year later, but for now I’m just being grateful and enjoying Christmas Day. Thank you all so much for your support of my blog! When I first started I didn’t think I’d get as many followers as I have haha :)❤️ you’re all important to me, so try and have a fun, safe day!

My collection of pine cones is going up! In case you haven’t seen my other posts; I’ve been collecting one (sometimes two depending on how hard it was) pine cones whenever I manage to make it to this big park a bit away from my house.

Even though I know exposure therapy is good for me, it makes me tired and strangely unhappy- even when I manage to complete a goal! It’s exhausting being afraid of everything all the time, it can feel restricting and isolating... and boring. It’s just all round depressing! You can’t go frolicking around like how you were made to- of course it’s going to feel tough; any condition whether physical or mental that restricts where you can go will make you feel that way occasionally. But stick with it. Stay here for the good times, the gorgeous views, the people, the nice experiences. Just when all seems hopeless, could come your biggest surprise yet.

Whether you have the power to change your circumstances... or not, life never stops moving. If you look for your happy place, you will find it. It takes hard work, pain, and a long journey, but it is there waiting for you to arrive.

I’m still searching for mine, and I hope you’ll stay looking for yours, too. No matter how long it takes.

Look at this guys! I managed to get to the big park!!

Some days I accomplish way more than others. For the past week, I haven’t really been advancing in my goals for therapy to be able to walk around a large space like this park; I couldn’t bring myself to go any further than my previous milestone.

I’m not sure how I did this, I have to say. A lot of determination! I was god damn terrified. I kept hyperventilating- then stopping. Then freaking out again! Then stopping. It’s good if you feel anxiety when going out, and then you push through it. It’s probably one of the hardest things on earth to do- I mean, you’re basically going against your instincts right?- but the sudden sense of freedom I got when I made it even just a meter inside that park was amazing. And if I can get that feeling all the time in the future... it’s worth facing up to the fear.

But it is hard, and that’s okay. I always say to myself- the harder I’m working now, the more my new way of living is being cemented into my life, so I’m incredibly unlikely to ever go back to square one, ever again. It could happen, I know, but this whole experience is teaching me I’m a pretty sore loser. I was made to live, and fight, so that’s what I’ve decided to do now. So no matter what happens, I can handle it.

I feel really shit tonight

But that’s okay

Cause I’ve got my reasons to live on the walls

And post it notes of things I’m grateful for

I get a lot of messages asking how I’m happy all the time so, maybe I should show you I’m not, and this is how I cope with it. Because I refuse to self destruct anymore. I have a goal I’m working towards now, which makes things easier. Identifying why I may be feeling down helps put it into perspective, too. For example, I suppose I’m in a bit of a limbo at the moment, because I dropped out of college and haven’t been able to get a job yet.

Luckily I’ve still been going outside everyday- wouldn’t want to lose progress.

But anyway. Knowing why I MAY be having a bad episode helps reassure me. It stabilises me- like, it doesn’t take away the depression, but it makes me feel more ‘there’ and in control of my brain and body.

Trying to deconstruct your problems helps I find, quite a lot, even if the answer is just, ‘maybe I’m tired’. You’re giving yourself power back, by gaining more understanding about yourself.

Is shutting everyone out so you ‘won’t get hurt’ worth the loneliness and depression it can cause? I’ve been seeing a lot of those posts lately. But in reality, some of the best moments of my life, I have had because I have let people become close to me. There’s a risk of pain, but that’s part of having a full, and rich life. Just part of having feelings. It can suck, but friends, family, lovers, can all bring much more to your life than just pain.

I strive to be as happy as this cat; living in the moment and chilling. It sounds a bit funny to say!! But they’ve got the right idea. If you’re cuddled up by a warm fire, with dinner on the way, and a blanket, you can just enjoy it. There’s no need to think about anything else. Sometimes it’s okay to not be responsible, and to just act like a lazy kitten. 🐱❤️

Sticky tree frog thoughts!! That was today’s therapy’s analogy for the anxious thoughts that pop up and latch onto you.

Today I looked at the ‘preparation’ I did to go outside and in order to face situations I deemed unsafe. I learnt that it’s actually really similar to my reaction to jump scares in horror movies!!

I jump at sudden scares (or stabs of anxiety) regardless of whether I prepared for them by looking for symptoms of anxiety or not, which suggests my body can cope just fine on its own without me ‘preparing’ for the worst. It also seems that the scary music/lead up to the jumpscare is actually more terrifying than the actual sudden stab of fear when it appears.

In other words, the preparation I do is completely pointless, and (as with the same with some movie-tension building scenes) is done for nothing. So I’m afraid of fear, not of anything in particular.

It’s like being afraid that you’re going to get run over if you’re on the pavement... 99% odds are that nothing will happen. Knowing this doesn’t make anxiety-habits easier to break necessarily, but it gives me more reassurance that my anxiety isn’t just an unstoppable wave of force. In it’s own way, it’s reasonable; it has developed the way it has for a reason. And the big deal about that, is that because there’s a reason, there’s also a way to ‘undo’ that reason, like untangling an old ball of wool.

...and that’s the reason why I’m in therapy! To first understand my habits and why I do them, and their origin, and then to create goals, habits, and coping mechanisms to de-bunk them.

It’s a lot for me to take in, and I still have to go over each session to untangle the mess that emerges from it, but it’s a something.

I reached another goal for therapy yesterday! Last time it was to get to the co-op, this time I managed to go past that shop and several minutes down the road. Not too far, but it felt so to me. I went out for a nice walk in the rain today as well- making sure I get out even just 5 minutes a day is very important. Make sure you get your fresh air too!

Life update! I’m definitely dropping out of college. I’m applying for an apprenticeship and a handful of other jobs, so fingers crossed 🤞

That was a hard email to send, but I’m glad I did, even if I’m still stressed out! 😄

I’m 90% sure I’m dropping out of college

The course is crab apples.

I am absolutely terrified and confused but eh, I’ve had enough of doing things that are boring or miserable. Don’t settle for second best, that’s my motto. Heck, I’m an adult now, I can do what I damn well want with my life. I’ve gone through so many years of depression and I’m not going to take a single one more.

So, I’m trying to get a job or apprenticeship

Everything is stressful right now

But I’m not here to tell you guys it’s rainbows and sunshine all the time

Cause it ain’t

This blog is about LIFE and POWER. And I’m gonna keep walkin’ on through the stress and sort something out. It’s never too late to change your direction! 😄 wish me luck my lovely teddies! ❤️

Feel the fear and do it anyway! ✊✊✊

Completed the first of the sub goals set for me in therapy, today! My aim is to get to this big park a bit of a walk away from my house, so I’m learning how to split up goals into smaller milestones. It’s kind of like going to the gym! You can’t just up your weights by 20kg at a time! You have to practice your 5, then move on to your 7’s... it’s the same with exposure. I might be on my second sub goal for a while, but that’s alright. At least I’m going out there and doing it! You gotta practice facing and managing anxiety, just like everything else.

Even if you can only go 5 steps further every day, then you’re facing your fears and making progress ✊ little steps are just as helpful as big ones!

Progress/reality check!

October 2017: I really wasn’t doing so good! Just stuck in a spiral is the easiest way I can explain it; I didn’t know what I was doing, who I was, if I was going to be alive the next day... I can barely remember my life up until around March 2018!!

I still can’t really look back there with a clear head... but one thing I do know, is that I don’t want to go back there.

Things aren’t brilliant now... I still relapse with self harm, there are some people I’m missing, there are a lot of things I still can’t do because of my anxiety/agoraphobia... but I feel like I’ve started on a new road now, one that has a direction, and one that has an end point that I might not be able to see, but I know exists. I’m happier now... not perfect, but better. I know there are going to be many more obstacles and hurdles for me to jump, but right now, I can say without a doubt, that I have made PROGRESS. I chose to go to art college regardless of my anxiety and now I can walk there and around the area by MYSELF. Which is a huge step towards independence!! The past year has shown me that things CHANGE. It’s not just a mirage or something dumb people who don’t know what you’re going through say... it’s a real part of life, and it’s fantastic; it allows you to improve yourself at every turn! I’m looking forward to doing another progress check this time next year and reflecting on how far I’ve come then, too! In the mean time... I can’t wait to finish this year with all of you! Tumblr gets a lot of shit, but there are so many wonderful lovely people in its recovery community, so I hope you don’t go lumping yourself in with the bad, and just know that you are all kind and strong people. Thanks for your support of my blog!! I can’t believe I’ve already come this far! Stay strong my beans ❤️ let’s get to 2019 together!