Once in a lifetime there comes along that one person–that very special person you always knew would come into your life–and they will have just the right consistency of pure and delightfully untouched innocuous stupidity that you wonder who wants to tie their shoes when it would just be easier to let them trip and perhaps hit the floor and miraculously come into some sense that God gave a chicken. It’s that special moment when they say something so indelible and impeccably deranged you spend hours with your face twisted in confusion as your brain slowly dissolves into something resembling a Slushy at 7-11. You lose your train of thought and ability to speak without sounding like Patrick Star from SpongeBob Squarepants. It’s the magical time where you just would like to take a hammer to your own head to keep it from trying to figure out why fate let you let this person into your life and how wonderful life would be if you had let them pass you by for someone else to deal with.
I’ve had a great and awesome day–so much has happened. And just when I’m settling down to work so I can continue having such an awesome day (I mean, to be on the inaugural front porch of a production company in London working with Martin Freeman and the BBC, getting retweeted by Scotland–who could ask for more) the idiot in my life appears to ask me once again the question of the ages: His words are in bold italics…
Online? What would possibly make anyone think I was online at that moment. I mean, I posted at least 12 times since 2 or 3 am..but also when he asked that stupid question, I had just posted something about the production company I spoke of earlier whose link I posted on my page. Even mentioned my Dad I spoke to about visiting the UK and my book…no, how could I be online. Really. What gave it away? Human activity or something? So I send him a gif: “And Rohan will answer” from LOTR. I didn’t want to talk. But said, “planning to move.” He comes back with “Ok. Am sleepless in bed,slept only for 2 hrs from 9:30pm.”
‘K…what the…? So I decide don’t say anything…he asks me what I JUST posted on my page “.It’s about noon there, where are u moving to?”
When he first spoke to me, he asked why did I want to move to Scotland? I just mentioned Scotland. Again. I just posted…I am saying to myself…DON’T SAY A WORD…shut up…hush…There is that part of me that just can’t help myself. I have to know if this is the one time this guy won’t say something stupid. I post Bilbo making a face (because I mentioned Martin Freeman and even referenced the film and Sherlock) and I say, “According to my page, Scotland…I don’t know..could be Scotland. Probably Scotland. I’ve been invited to Scotland. Scotland retweets me a lot. I speak Elvish so it’s either Wales or Scotland. Scotland has one of the world’s top Black Fashion Models and Annie Lennox. I’m thinking Scotland. Yes, good call.”
I figured saying Scotland a lot would just shut him up, @fortunatelyclevercandy. Really. Was hoping. Or maybe he’d say he remembered. Hope springs eternal, right? He answers back, “Ok. For how long?”
Oh, let me think. I live in a country where the Alt-Right wants to politely ask all people of color and immigrants to leave because “the races just can’t get along” and they love our newly elected President that has yet to denounce any racism and is now hiring a cabinet to undo centuries of progress…I was thinking…I don’t know, LIFE. FOREVER. Really not into burning crosses or being lynched. Guess he didn’t read the NEWS with all that in it I posted while he was trying to figure OUT if I was online. So I say, “Seriously. You want to spend your life with me and you DON’T read what I post? I don’t think so.” What does he say? Does he say, something like ‘I understand your fears. Maybe it won’t get that bad.’ Nope. He says this: “How about your dad?”
What in the hell is this guy’s OBSESSION with my DAD? OMG. EVERY DAY. Not once in a while–every single DAY he asks about my DAD!! That is creepy, @fortunatelyclevercandy. WHAT does he want with my DAD? My Dad is not about to like him! He must come from a Dowry country. My dad likes cash but if he doesn’t like you, it’s not happening. End of story. So, I say, “I don’t have time to explain everything to anyone not interested in reading! Don’t worry about my dad! He wouldn’t like you! You don’t read!”
There…deal with that, boy! What does this hideous creature say to me? “Are you so much tired?”
Short answer should have been FU..I decided to be more polite. I had 10 hours of sleep. I just say, “NO, I hate repeating myself!” to which he says, “Ok. When exactly will u be moving. Am sleepy, let me take a nap.” I want to hurt this person. This was why I posted, “The beacons are lit…the idiots will Answer.” Some apparently did. One of them (a friend of mine) got the joke. One out of many, many, many idiots hearing the call of the idiot I was talking to. Is he stupid or high? At this point, it can’t be marijuana. I dated a guy that smoked weed all the time and he had a 4.0 GPA for 4 years of college and 2 for his Masters. No. This guy is the HIGH PRIEST of the Idiots. So you know what? I just decided to be a smart ass. So I sent him this picture in the message, @littletesla:
I said, “Why don’t I just tell you when I get there. Make it easier on all of us. I won’t tell you where I live there, but I’ll tell you when I get there.”
I got no answer. I was about to throw the party of the millennium. I was about to invite everyone over here to this party. YES. He finally got the message–got to love Joe, he pretty much knows how to handle business. Hours went by…it was great. Started getting ready to work–had my books and notes thinking about all that has happened, what I need to do…I was in the zone. Then, the net slowed down a lot. But I thought, hey, no big deal. I’ll do some things here and prepare to post something on my pages when it picks up. I have about 9 here for TKWRT alone. 22 in all. Yeah, I’m back. I’m money, Baby.
UNTIL I got a notification from Facebook. One guy left a message (#6–could be #7. I lost count) under my photo of my cat Cairo watching a Lee Pace gif. “Cairo”. Yes, that’s what it says. That’s his name. Don’t have to remind me or him. What was the point of that? Never mind. The next notification was my messages. The GOD of Idiots had returned. Why do I even look–to get rid of that annoying red flag on my phone. And you know what he said, @fortunatelyclevercandy? Oh, this rendered me speechless for a couple of hours. Paralyzing stupidity at its FINEST. Really. He’s got Ninja skills with the stupid. He could be the Terminator of Stupid. So, he says to me hours later:
“Ok. I am out for work, we link up later.”
We are dealing with a level of stupid never seen before. This is scary stupid. This is apocalyptic stupid. I am not prepared to take on this all powerful idiot. Nothing penetrates his scaly armor. We need to send in Girion to knock off a scale so Bard can hit it centuries later or something. I’ve never had to deal with this much or this kind of impenetrable stupid. He’s good. He rendered me speechless. Silence, anger, sarcasm, nice, mean–nothing works with him. Doesn’t even mind the gifs. Moves right past them with swiftness of the wind. Not a word. I am about to be taken down by the God of Stupid, @fortunatelyclevercandy. I mean, I’m about to give up and marry him just to get him close enough to push him off something and I’m afraid he’ll bounce back. Maybe I should just cut my losses before I lose my mind. I mean…
..I couldn’t even think after that last line…that was killer line. Nothing cracks this shell. I could block him but I did that once and the guy lost it and went on a Facebook bender, calling me names, then ended up stalking me on Google Plus–still. This one might be worse than that. I don’t know. I think he’s stalking me as it is, I mean, what’s with all the Dad questions? He knows my time zone and has memorized it just to tell me what time it is here–I guess in case I don’t own a watch or a clock. That’s creepy.
Is it just me or do all these guys lick their lips a lot? Is that a UK thing? Kinda sexy..
So, I’m going into hiding or something. I can’t be left speechless over stupid. Maybe I should take a break from my Facebook page. Just work on my Book’s Facebook page. But I do have a few readers that read things from my personal page so…I could just share and let it go. At this rate, I think he’s masterminding my demise. Wants me to like him and only him by forcing me to lower my standards and accept the reality that I’ll never find an intelligent man in this life that can have a conversation that doesn’t involve him ignoring everything I say so everything he says is all that matters. I was born to think and he’s really testing that process. He’s got a PhD in stupidity with emphasis in diversion. He’s the four-star general of Idiots. It’s incredible. If it weren’t so creepy, it would be funny.
I think it’s time to call in someone that can handle this with finesse. Someone who can turn on a dime from nice to Satan won’t mess with him. Someone who can take a rainbow, sprinkle it with dew someone who can turn around and use it to choke you…someone scarier than Candyman, someone darker than the Dark Side. More sinister than Sauron. More vicious than Loki. Faster than Superman, quicker than Spidey–with words. The legend of all legends. The master of persuading you to quake in fear at the sight of his magnificence. The one so bad Voldemort won’t even say his name. So fierce, he inspired Sasha.
He scared one annoying person away for six months. Now, he asks me every time he wants to talk if its okay to talk.
When he reigns, he will pour. Well, I feel better. I think I will kill some orcs now. I know how to wield a sword as well and I’m ambidextrous. It helps if you are going to convince the world you are the The King of the Woodland Realm, now doesn’t it?
WARNING: Contents under Pressure–if you look Thranduil straight in the eyes for a very, very long time and survive, you can see what I see because when I am mad and if I am looking at him, he will come out of me like a raging river. In fact, I am always looking at him when he has to be vicious or upset. It puts the punch into everything he says and Lee Pace is one of the few actors that does more with his eyes that conveys emotions and the rest of his expressions seamlessly follow through his face. So, if I’m particularly vicious and say something hurtful on my blog sometimes, I apologize and chances are I just came away from writing one of Thranduil or Oropher’s more angrier or sadder moments. I apologize. It takes a lot out of me and it is very hard to come down from there. That’s why I post humor (Gif Notes from the Set) after I write something–it soothes me and calms me. If I don’t, it will take hours to come down from the emotional cliff. The funnier the sequence, the more emotional the scene. So if you’re LOL or LMAO, it was a brutal scene. He’s about to take out some orcs by a river and help Celeborn bring down Dol Guldur–thought I woould warn you in advance.
(How the hell did Lee go from Ned gif at the top to Thranduil gif at the bottom? God, Lee Pace is a fine actor–exceptionally brilliant. He will get an Oscar one day, quite possibly an Emmy).
