Hello and welcome back to “OH GOD: NOT ANOTHER IDIOT”. Be nice and I might get you Pushing Daisies back. I know a guy.
Anyway, so you know I’ve been sad for a few days–missing my dad. But today, he sent me 400 dollars via our joint account we got. I didn’t even have to ask. I Was supposed to but I was working.
Well after 48 hours of no sleep, I got restless–pun–and just went Facebook crazy. I got a message in my box from a guy telling me he missed me..how sweet..he missed me. He sent that message today after a month. But before he missed me, replied to my answer to his question of what I was doing. Are you ready for it? @fortunatelyclevercandy, @littletesla, @leepacesweetfantasy?
I said then, “Since I last heard from you in February, I’m good.”
“I’ve been really really busy..”
ONE MONTH LATER (again)…He says to me, “Nice. Ok am sory . Good worck for you. Am miss you.”
There has to be something I’m doing wrong…maybe using too many syllables. Maybe they want to date my imaginary transgender boyfriend Thralpernia MacPiemaker? I don’t get it.
So I say, “I can see that. It’s April and the last time you said anything was March 8th. Must be tough.” Then he answered immediately, “Nn is tru.” So I am waiting until May to talk to a guy that can’t spell in patois. Yeah, he’s Jamaican. Maybe he thinks Calpernia is a Rastafarian.
I’m thinking now guys want to date Lee Pace in drag. I feel like his pimp now. Or I just seem to attract morons that can’t tell the panda kissing guy and Ned are the same person as Calpernia or Joe or Garrett or human. Maybe I should stop not dating and not date for eternity. I mean, a girl living near Orlando Bloom I spoke to said what a moron. Ladies, are men getting dumber? Am I just a twit magnet? Is global warming unfreezing cavemen and they are attempting to assimilate into society? I wonder if that panda still misses Lee…I need to do my nails.
Existential crisis. It’s like, I don’t know…weird. I almost feel sorry for them but I have ADD and so I forget them usually after about a minute so I can talk to my cat or stare forlornly at Lee Pace thinking, “GOD, why do you have to look better than me in a dress? Why do these guys think he’s my girlfriend? At this point, I’m having a better conversation with Ned in this gif than with actual men I know. All the other guys now are all cousins. I dropped a few idiots. I have to finish my book none of them are going to read.
Sigh. I’ve gone from having to tell guys I’m not dating Lee Pace to telling guys I’m not dating Calpernia played by Lee Pace in a dress. I think life just turned into a TLC show. Something like, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, her now incredibly hot mother and counting idiots in Amish Greek Fiancés in 90 Days.”
I know what the problem is. My standards are way too high. I mean, I should lower them to like, breathing. Who needs a guy that can carry on an intelligent conversation about something more than once a month. I don’t think he knows who I am. I think he thinks he’s talking to Calpernia. Well, Lee and the real one are cute but I don’t think this guy is their type. I mean, they like read and use words in intelligent sentences. At this point, I’d rather just date the panda. He seemed like a good kisser. But I’ll bet he would be able to tell Lee Pace in and out of a dress. He probably can spell better too..in pandanese.
Convent here I come–I’ll only be there a few weeks. I kinda want to have sex before I die. Preferably with a guy with an IQ higher than snow.
@iamjaynaemarie You are apparently f@**ed! But, it is possible to find some intelligent people around us.
Recapitulating, you have to look for a man with bad handwriting, one that underestimate his abilities, an insomniac that talk to himself, maybe dyslexyc (no referring to anyone in particular).
It looks like the description of a crazy person but, hey, I say that if a person is crazy, that person is interesting and if a person is interesting, well, it isn’t boring. 😊
BONUS - only to be used face to face (unfortunately):
Awww.. I wish I lived near you, Angel. 😇