Omg real questions. Also now it's 1:30 am for me, soooo....
Let's meet the contestants:
1. Simon Snow: Beautiful disaster. He's rubbish at romantic gestures, and is always on call for chosen one duty, even after he's no longer the chosen one. He will absolutely slay monsters for you, but inner demons not so much. Has already forgotten you had a thing planned tonight. But he'll be genuinely sorry he's late and arriving in joggers. Satisfies your secret monster kink with sexy application of wings and a devious tail.
2. Baz Pitch: Posh Spice. He's dying to express his romantic side, and can find the romance in a fancy dinner or a trip to IKEA. But he'll always look better than you at every public appearance. And in bed. And all the time. It's like he wakes up with makeup on and even his messy bed-head somehow looks professionally styled. Also he eats rats for dessert. Better than other things, but still. Rat breath. Does not satisfy your monster kink because he won't bite you even though you're sure you taste better than rats. (come on, man...)
3. Penelope Bunce: Always Right. Penny is as loyal as they come, but she's also pretty judgemental. It's how she narrows down the applicants for her intense loyalty. Be prepared for rigorous testing. Has zero romantic chill, but will legally out-maneuver a demon for you if you pass her tests. (She will out-maneuver you, too.) Always wins at pub trivia night. Never passes on an opportunity to do something dangerous, but will insist on planning the excursion.
4. Agatha Wellbelove: She's just not that into you. Hates dating. (So much.) Excellent choice if you have no intention of actually dating and just want to go hang out with goats. Otherwise, it's not happening. Get used to it.
5. The Mage: The Activist. You're only right if you agree with him. Otherwise, you will be canceled. Speaking of canceling, that's what he keeps doing. He has to put the mission first, and if you really loved him, you'd understand. Dresses like Robin Hood. Believes he's Robin Hood. Will never be satisfied.
6. Shepard Love: Too good to be true. Except he is true. Has made a lot of mistakes, but he will never regret you. Has some significant baggage from previous relationships, but really, who doesn't? The least judgemental person in the known universe. Will let you pick the restaurant, and will genuinely love your decision no matter what it is. Actually listens. Genuine smile. Will never get tired of you or think you're "too much." Will talk a lot about Bigfoot though, but honestly, he's so cute when he gets passionate about his interests. Or yours. oh, and D&D night counts as date night. Can't directly satisfy your monster kink but he gets it, really, and can make arrangements if you'd like. (No downside unless you're a merperson.)
7. Lamb: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Knows how to show you a good time, and basically owns Las Vegas. Extremely open-minded in bed. Or out of it. There is a matter of an expected blood donation, though. (Very happy to satisfy your not-so-secret monster kink.) Will never be monogamous. Politician loaded with old money. Very pragmatic, which could go either way for you. Looks like Hugh Grant. Knows he looks like Hugh Grant.
8. Smith Smith-Richards: The Showman. If you believe his hype, he will let you adore him. Has a million watt smile that does actually dazzle. Won't stop talking about how great he is. Was born under an eclipse. Wants to be your hero, but only if it's via performance art.
9. Fiona Pitch: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Smoking hot. Smoking habit. Pretentious rich girl who thinks she's punk. Will complain about whatever club you take her to, even if she chose the destination herself. High standards for you, not for herself. Somehow you will end up obsessed with her and wonder how you got there.
10: Nicodemus Petty: Grunge personified. Rebel living with the consequences of his actions. Hidden sense of loyalty, possibly intense. Here for a good time and a long time. Will take you to a dive bar where you could disappear and your body would never be found. He makes it sexy, fun, and dirty. Gets you home again. Occupies your couch. Your bed. Your head. He lives with you now.
11. Ebb Petty: Goodness personified. Basically a cat lady, but with goats. Needs to bathe more often. Will support you, be kind to you, hug you, and make you feel safe. Romantically unavailable, though. Doesn't leave the grounds even for dates. Excellent choice if you're a goat. Better off friends. But now you have a really amazing friend.
12. Malcolm Grimm: You didn't know you had a daddy kink until now. Offers comfort, luxury, security, and devotion. Constantly suppresses his passions in his day to day life, so that energy needs an outlet. Expects class and sophistication, but only because it's habit. Needs someone to break him out of his routine. Romantic, thoughtful, great potential for just the right amount of night time corruption.
In the end, it comes down to what you're looking for.
If you want a whirlwind night of romance and high-stakes gambling that culminates in the most erotic night of your life, which you only half remember, Lamb is your guy. Comes with bonus souvenir neck scar.
If you want some security and structure, with bonus sophistication and genuine respect, Malcolm. He's in it for the long haul, which is super sexy.
Monster kink need attention? Simon is the sweetest disaster in the world, with bonus dragon bits. Intimacy issues could block your advances - patience required.
Romance meets impeccable if slightly over the top fashion choices in Baz. Roses guaranteed. Thunder can be cultivated. (it's in him, you know it is.)
But me? I like cryptids. Theorizing. D&D. Being valued. SHEPARD you impossible gift, you. Take me to meet your friends. Then take me home. Ahem.
It's 5 am now. I was supposed to be sleeping. Ashton, look what you made me do.
