Elon Made Me Come Back

"In fact, I just got Viggo back for a trick that he played on me and my agent a few years ago. I was scheduled to hop on a plane and go, I think it was to Vancouver, to start a job and he calls up my agent after hours. He didn’t get her but he got her husband, and he said: ‘G’day, it’s Karl here. Look, I can’t get on the plane, I can’t find my lucky red socks, I dunno what I’m gunna do? I can’t, you gotta call them up and tell them I can’t do the job, I can’t find my red socks!’ And he said, ‘Okay man, I’ll tell Jenny. I’ll tell her.’ And he goes, ‘I can’t find them. I dunno what to do, mate. I’m not getting on that fucking plane!’

Boom! And he hangs up. So, literally at one o’clock in the morning I get woken up by this fucking phone call from my agent saying, ‘Karl! You gotta get on the plane! I will buy you, I promise, I will buy you five pairs of red socks, I just need you to get on the plane!’ And I’m like, ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ And then I go, ‘Ooh, fucking Viggo!’ Flash forward 10 years! So, six weeks ago I’m in Spain and I’m doing press for Dredd and I see that Viggo’s got a film coming out as well called, Une Plan and my press day is happening the day before his, so with every single journalist that I talk to, I do my interview and as they’re walking out, I’m like, ‘Oh I got a day off tomorrow’ and they’re like, ‘Oh really?’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m going to go to Viggo’s farm; he’s just bought a goat farm in Segovia, he’s got a thousand goats! He’s making goat cheese!’

Every single one. (audience laughs) Well, it was reported on the national news! It was published in newspapers! And the next day, every single interview that Viggo went into, they asked about the fucking goat farm. A thousand goats!

So I get this email from Viggo. It starts: ‘You bastard.’ It turns out he got so fucking sick of having to defend this goat story that he just started going with it and saying, ‘Yes, I like the spotted goats because they fart less and their cheese tastes sweeter.’”

"I told you people I don’t need a doctor, dammit — I am a doctor!"