Elon Made Me Come Back

Anyone that has cracked open a history book has imagined “What if things had gone differently?”

So, here are 10 conspiracies that could have changed history if they worked!

I swear I learn more off of tumblr than I do in class

Seizure First Aid. 

Learn it. Share it. Know it. Use it. 

100% correct medical information on tumblr for once; also consider calling 911 if you don’t know how often the person has seizures and ESPECIALLY if the seizure has lasted 5 minutes or more (which is why the watch is critical)

This is so important!

Really good friend of mine from work back home had seizures a few times on the job. This is crucial information.

This happened to a teammate once after a comp. Good to know.

I’ve watched two family members have seizures and its absolutely terrifying.

lets talk about this fella here a moment

this baby is a ribbon eel, part of a group of fish called the moray eels. moray eels are basically hilarious because they are always fucking delighted (they can’t actually close their mouths so basically they’re grinning from ear to ear every moment of their lives).

wait i hear you say, if they can’t close their mouths how do they eat. pharyngeal jaws, my friend, pharyngeal jaws. don’t know what those are?

have you ever seen alien?

i shit you not, moray eels have a second set of teeth in the back of their throats that are spring loaded to jump out and grab things that swim into their mouths.

now if that wasn’t awesome enough, the ribbon eel is the only protandric moray. that means that although this little fella is clearly, by his colouring, a young adult male, give him a long enough lifespan and he’ll get bigger, turn yellow-brown, and become female.

that’s right, this is a species made entirely of young pretty men and powerful older women.

also if you put them into captivity they stop eating and die within about a month. the ribbon eel lives to be free~

That’s fabulous

Many nerdfighters have asked for some historical and political context to help understand the crisis in Ukraine. I gave a go at an introduction in this video. For actual news, I’m following the BBC’s Ukraine Crisis hub.

EDIT: Of course I messed up east and west. Of course. Because I always do. Is there a real disease wherein people literally cannot imagine directions or maps? If so, I have it.

RUSSIA HAS DECLARED THAT THEY’RE INVADING UKRAINE OFFICIALLY. NOT EVEN HIDING BEHIND OLD AGREEMENTS. Britain has to aid the Ukrainians against the Russians now,  America warned Russia not to, with consequences if they did, so now they’re involved,  Canada was looking into what Russia was doing to see how bad it was and they to have to get involved even more. WHAT PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND IS THAT IT COULD ACTUALLY DRASTICALLY ESCALTED INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A WORLD WAR.

So: Crimea!

Crimea is a part of Ukraine which was a part of Russia until 1954. It is an autonomous parliamentary republic within Ukraine, and is governed by the Constitution of Crimea. It wants to be more independent from Ukraine, perhaps entirely independent, as in, its own independent nation, an initiative which Russia supports. Crimea has a majority of ethnic Russians. They speak Russian, politically they lean towards Russia, and they have no desire to align themselves with any political body which is generally seen as being in political and ideological opposition to Russia, such as, for example, the European Union. However, regional efforts to move back into alignment with Russia have been consistently blocked by Ukraine.

This is the part of Ukraine that Russia has “invaded.” There is a fair-to-good chance that the Crimean people actually invited the Russians to secure the airfields, as protection from the unrest which as we all know is gripping Ukraine right now. And they have secured the airfields: there are no Russian tanks rolling through the streets of Simferopol, shots are not being fired, the whole thing appears to be quite orderly, and the Russian army is being assisted by local Crimean volunteers.

Is this still illegal? Oh, yeah, sure. But one imagines the Russians might point out that it’s no more illegal than about three dozen things the United States has done in the past ten years. Are the Russians taking the opportunity to assert their sphere of influence over Crimea while Ukraine is disorganized and in crisis? I mean, yeah, probably. Is that a dick move? For sure. Is Ukraine going to be super, super pissed about it, when they finally get their government sorted out? You bet.

Is it an act that has even the smallest chance of leading to war? Christ, no.

So everybody relax. Russia is not going to start World War Three over a penninsula in Ukraine that’s like, almost entirely agricultural. Penis-fencing over Crimea has been going on for decades now, and it will most likely continue for decades to come.

OK Aria, everyone…Aria…for when the Vlogbrothers are too busy to understand WTF is going on in the world because we were out of touch for the last week. 

Things To Know for no reason. (part 2)

[Part 1 - here]

HOLY SHIT ALASKA DOES NOT FUCK AROUND

Yo Saturn get yo ass over here

no saturn stay where you are cuz ya creepy as fuck

FUN FACT!

Do you ever wonder why your lips and tongue sting a little when you’re eating pineapples? It’s because pineapples possess the enzyme bromelain, which breaks down meat proteins. 

Basically, when you eat pineapples, pineapples eat you right back.

Pineapples are so metal.

That explains a lot

I KNEW IT. IVE ALWAYS KNOWN PINEAPPLES WERE SUSPICIOUS AND I DIDN’T TRUST THEM. NO LOOK. THE PINEAPPLES ARE EATING US. WAKE UP PEOPLE. PINEAPPLES ARE DANGEROUS.

Sherlock: Take your family to work day.

Also the child’s voice in ‘The Great Game’ is the voice of one of Moffat and Sue’s sons

and the secretary in ‘The Blind Banker’ is Benedict’s (now ex) girlfriend.

Scales

This is because Fahrenheit is based on a brine scale and the human body. The scale is basically how cold does it have to be to freeze saltwater (zero Fahrenheit) to what temperature is the human body (100-ish Fahrenheit, although now we know that’s not exactly accurate). Fahrenheit was designed around humans. Celsius and Kelvin are designed around the natural world. Celsius is a scale based on water. Zero is when water freezes, 100 is when water boils. Kelvin uses the same scale as Celsius (one degree, as a unit, is the same between the two), but defines zero as absolute zero, which is basically the temperature at which atoms literally stop doing that spinning thing. Nothing can exist below zero Kelvin. It’s the bottom of the scale. So. Fahrenheit: what temperatures affect humans Celsius: what temperatures affect water Kelvin: what temperatures affect atoms

Why didn’t my science teachers ever see fit to toss off this little fact?

 Australia’s history of racism towards Aboriginals is absolutely disgusting. 

Until the mid-60s, indigenous Australians came under the Flora And Fauna Act, which classified them as animals, not human beings. This also meant that killing an indigenous Australian meant you weren’t killing a human being, but an animal.

To this day, Australia breaks every code of the Geneva Convention when it comes to indigenous Australians and their human rights. The “public housing” that the government has given them are one-bedroom shacks with no running water, no electricity and no gas, that entire families are forced to live in. These shacks are in communities in the outback, as far away from “civilised” society as possible. Out of sight, out of mind.

Indigenous Australians that live in the city are commonly forced to live in very dangerous and derelict areas that the government gives very little funding towards. Redfern in Sydney is a highly indigenous Australian populated suburb that is rife with crime, unemployment and horrendous living conditions. The government does next to nothing to help these people, either.

Whenever riots have broken out as a result of incredibly low morale, the police and the government are very quick to point all the blame at the indigenous Australians and say that they are the cause of their own problems, rather than looking at what the actual cause is.

Unemployment rates amongst indigenous Australians is astronomical. Crime rates are astronomical. Suicide rates are extremely high within the indigenous Australian community. Death from inadequate living conditions and inadequate health care is common. Brutality towards indigenous Australians is common.

The way many indigenous Australians are forced to live is equivalent to that of what one would expect from a third-world country. Indigenous Australians are considered by the UN to be one of the most horrendously marginalised groups in the world.

And how does the government amend all of this? With a national “Sorry Day”, where white people plant a hand in some designated area of soil as a token of their white guilt, and then continue going about their white privileged day.

On top of that, white people here commonly bitch and complain about how “good” indigenous Australians have it and how “thankful” they ought to be to the white man for improving their quality of life. Meanwhile, indigenous Australians have lost almost all sense of identity and culture because of white colonisation.

What is left of Aboriginal identity and culture has been nearly completely destroyed. And most people in this disgustingly privileged country do not give a single god damn fuck.

Australia is a disgusting country when it comes to racism. I am disgusted by my own country.

This story, although sad, sounds all to familiar.

And I’ve talked to many white Australians who have smugly told me that racism was an “American problem”.

HOLY SHIT ON A STICK, BATMAN, THAT’S SOME GORGEOUS LOOKING FUDGE. 

YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME HAND-MADE, ‘MAY AS WELL SUCK MY OWN COCK, BECAUSE I’M A GODDAMN KING’ KINDA DESSERT? WELL RELEASE THAT WILD TIGER YOU’VE BEEN NURSING BACK TO HEALTH, BECAUSE SHITS ABOUT TO GET FUCKING REAL. 

GATHER UP YOUR SUPPLIES, YOU CLASSY BASTARD, AND DON’T FORGET TO GRAB A BAG OF SEMI-SWEET CHOCOLATE CHUNKS, A BAG OF DARK CHOCOLATE CHUNKS AND A CAN OF SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK. ALSO WAX PAPER

MAKE SURE YOU’VE GOT A STIRRING SPOON READY, BECAUSE THIS SHIT NEEDS YOUR LASER-FOCUS ATTENTION. LIKE YOU’RE DISARMING A NUKE WHILE BALANCING ON A TIGHTROPE OVER A VOLCANO FULL OF LAVA-RATS. 

THE FIRST STEP IS TO TURN YOUR STOVE ON TO THE LOWEST FUCKING SETTING IT’LL GO TO. 

YOU WANT TO LEARN SOME SCIENCE ASSHOLE? WELL LISTEN UP! CHOCOLATE IS DELICATE SHIT, AND IF YOU HEAT IT UP TOO GODDAMN MUCH, IT’LL SHRIVEL UP LIKE A WITCH WHEN YOU THROW HOLY WATER IN HER NASTY-ASS FACE. . 

WHEN THE CHOCOLATE MOLECULES SHRIVEL WITH HEAT, THEY’LL COOL DOWN IN THE SAME SELF-LOATHING POSITION, AND TURN OUT BRITTLE AND WEAK AND FUCK GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, THAT’S SO INFERIOR TO REAL CHOCOLATE JUST GET RID OF IT. 

NOW YOU’RE AN EDUCATED MOTHERFUCKER.

 SO DUMP ONE OF THE BAGS IN THE POT HAMMERED FROM THE CRYSTALLIZED SOULS OF YOUR VICTIMS AND PUT IT OVER THE LOW HEAT. STIR THAT FUCKING CHOCOLATE AROUND AS IF IT WILL RISE UP AND DEVOUR YOUR ORGANS IF YOU DON’T KEEP IT CONSTANTLY DISTRACTED.

THE CHOCOLATE WILL BE SLOWLY SLOWLY MELTING LIKE YOUR CHILDHOOD CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY MELTED WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON ITS FACE WHEN YOUR GRUBBY CHILD HANDS STRANGLED THE LIFE OUT OF IT AND MADE YOUR PARENTS PREPARE FOR YOUR EMINENT BADASSERY.

THINK YOU’RE READY FOR THE OTHER BAG?

THINK AGAIN, ASSHOLE!

WHEN THAT FIRST SHIT’S MOSTLY MELTED, POUR HALF THE CAN OF CONDENSED MILK INTO THAT MOTHERFUCKER. KEEP STIRRING, ASSWHIPE, THE TEMPERATURE CHANGE COULD KILL YOUR CREATION. 

NOW YOU CAN ADD YOUR GODDAMN SECOND BAG OF CHOCOLATE, AND KEEP THAT STIRRING HAND MOVING, LIKE YOU’RE JACKING OFF A LEVIATHAN AND ONLY ITS PLEASURE WILL STOP THE END OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE. 

WHEN YOU’VE GOT A POT OF DELICIOUS-LOOKING MELTED CHOCOLATE, YOU CAN ADD THE REST OF THE CONDENSED MILK, AND STIR THAT BITCH UNTIL IT’S SMOOTH. 

YOUR SHIT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS, ALL SMOOTH AND BEAUTIFUL. IF IT LOOKS GRAINY AND CLUMPY, YOUR HEAT WAS TOO HIGH, MOTHERFUCKER. 

NOW THAT YOUR CHOCOLATE IS PERFECT, DUMP THAT SHIT ON A HUGE SHEET OF WAX PAPER. 

SHIT’S TRYING TO ESCAPE? FUCK THAT! USE YOUR STIRRING SPOON TO SHOVE THE SIDES INTO WHATEVER SHAPE YOUR BEAUTIFUL ASS DESIRES. SQUARES ARE EASY TO CUT INTO CLASSY LOOKING CUBES, BUT MAYBE YOU WANT YOUR FUDGE SHAPED LIKE A DRAGON, OR THE TAJ MAHAL. 

MAKE SURE YOUR FUDGE-SHAPE IS PRETTY DAMN THICK, LIKE YOU CAN SET YOUR HAND ON THE COUNTER NEXT TO IT, AND THAT BITCH SHOULD BE NEARLY AS TALL AS YOUR DEMON-SLAYING THUMB IS WIDE. 

NOW PUT THAT FUCKER IN THE FRIDGE AND GET SOME PANDAS READY, BECAUSE ONCE THEY EAT YOUR FUDGE THEY’LL BE READY TO FUCK LIKE RABBITS AND REPOPULATE THE GODDAMN GLOBE. 

THREE OR FOUR HOURS LATER, TAKE THAT BEAUTIFUL SHIT OUT OF THE FRIDGE, WHIP OUT YOUR BUTTERFLY KNIFE THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR BACK POCKET, AND STAB THAT ASSHOLE UNTIL IT’S IN PERFECT CUBES. 

BETTER GET READY FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO WORSHIP YOU LIKE A GOD, BECAUSE YOU JUST MADE SOME HOME-MADE  FUCKING FUDGE. 

CUTE ANIMAL FACTS

In response to some of the fandom’s cries

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m still feeling a little nauseous after this realization.

I also put it on DA

This is a wonderful presentation. I just had to add these:

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that gender egalitarianism isn’t possible among humans, or that our species’ “natural” state is one of gender oppression.

I just cried a little reading this.

did u know ancient people used to think women were miracle workers because they magically produced babies and they were worshipped and revered but then one day someone figured out the D had something to do with it and then the dudes figured they were most important and elevated themselves to the higher status

thanks art history class

my life changed forever when i found out the word “slang” was actually slang for “shortened language”

so slang is slang for slang