I love being perfect. Too bad I never was </3

Today is the day! I will not understand anything I read and I will ask you to repeat everything which will make me want to kill myself. I can feel it

In theory, I love mandatory readings assigned for classes... in practice? Fuck that.

Please believe me when I say that I missed school last wednesday and thursday so I can work, and I missed school almost every day this week, because I was mentally exhausted and also had to work and I truly feel awful for missing classes, but I can also burn out so fast like an ancient star that has no more warmth and light to give and fades into the infinite sky like it wasn't even there, just by caring too much about what others think, and that star is mistaken because actually no one cares about it...maybe just for a second when people are looking up at the sky with their partner when they are spending a romantic evening, lying on the grass, pointing at stars, and saying things that is not even true, and that is the only moment they are looking at me...just for a second. So EXCUSE ME for missing classes this whole week, I was fading into oblivion. I will go next week tho.

School starts TOMORROW and I don't feel ready. This summer was one of my best and coziest summers ever, and i'm so not ready to say goodbye.

But I'm also excited about this new school year, because i am a senior now, and I also have a lot of different stuff for this semester.

And also autumn is right around the corner!! And I can't wait to watch all my fav movies and read books cozied up with a blanket but of damn, I will miss this summer with my whole heart 💛

I would kill for financial stability right now. And also for free time. Like I want to have a full bank account and I want to sit in a café and write my silly little novel, and walk around town, and go into stores, and buy some stuff, and then go home and sleep.

Almost a month ago, I decided to stop the madness that is being held captive by my own phone.

I hated the cage I spent my precious hours in, when I scrolled mindlessly on my phone, looking at useless stuff.

I remember someone saying, that I don't even remember the last three videos I watched on social media, and I agreed, but worst of all, I realized I didn't remembered the last three sundowns. My last meals, or the last conversations with my friends.

I didn't remembered a lot of things before. I used social media mainly to make myself 'relax' and 'forget' the uncomfortable moments of my life, but with that I paid the price of forgetting the pleasurable moments too. Like my friends and family's little ways of living, or the blowing wind or the first smell of summer. I forgot a lot of things.

So when I finally said goodbye to my phone (well almost, I still use it but spend like five of ten minutes on is every day, mainly for calling my family or something) I knew it is the best decision of my life.

I felt the awful longing for the fast pacedness of instagram, or the mindless hours of peace tiktok gave me. And the first week were mostly hitting my hand that reached for my phone every 5 minutes, and looking for other things that can take my mind off of it.

But when the first week ended, I started to feel the thread loosening, and I didn't reach for my phone often.

And now, I feel just... free.

And I go out a lot more. To the garden I never appreciated enough. And I picked raspberries and gooseberries that I never did since my childhood when I spent every summer day in my grandparents garden. And picked the fresh green onions, and climbed the cherry tree to reach the ripe cherries that were growing on the top.

And I read two books already. And didn't put them down every 10 minutes just to check my phone. And enjoyed them more too!

And I spend a lot of time talking with my mom. And playing cards with her, that she loves.

And first in the morning I open the balcony door, and the morning air blows through the kitchen, and I go out and smell the damp earth, and listen to the birds.

And at night, I go out, and look up at the sky, and I look for stars, and bats that flying above. And I love the quiet, and the warm breeze.

And I just realize, that yes, every bad thing came from phones, and social media. It robbed us from our days, that it will never give back. And it didn't even gave us nothing in return. And it never will. The more we dependent on it, the more it will seep into our life, and never leave.

But life, nature, sounds and voices, fresh fruit, and dark starry nights will be there. Again and again, and it will give you real unadulterated peace, and happiness that you looking for.

'emotional support thoughts'

This week I made a presentation about dark academia for my Culture and Literature class, and I listed Anna Karenina as a dark academia book but my professor argued that he doesn't think it can be classified as da. Please tell me which sode are you on

Complaining about something to someone who suddelny says "oh, i'm so sorry that you're going through this thing" and I say "please don't be sorry for me, it's nothing" because i don't want to inconvenience them with my life

Once you start drinking blood, you can't stop... I mean wine! I MEANT WINE!

My downfall started when I realized I'm more energized during the day if I only sleep for one or two hours

I read back my diaries for the last three years and it was just me deciding every two month that I have a new life purpose and it was just different activities like song writing, biology, fashion design etc.

For the past like two months I always woke up very late whatever I did and I was going crazy and blaming myself because i'm lazy and I thought that's just my life and I'll never be able to wake up at like 5am ever again and I'm a failure.

But the weather is changing and I am waking up very early and the last two month I was able to rest enough that my body is capable of waking up earlier and i'm not a failure just needed rest. And also adapting to the changes in the weather and the longer nights.

So I realized that I was pushing myself and cursing myself for something that was never a constant thing, but momentary, and at that time was crucial for my own good. My body knew better, and I should listen to it more.

I don't want to be perceived unless it's out of absolute admiration and respect.

Today someone told me that I will never find what I'm looking for in love, because I enjoy the ride more than the reward

Saltburn is the new The Talented Mr. Ripley

*spoiler for both movies*

The two movie is basically the same, but in a different light. I would describe them as Saltburn is in night light and TTMR in daylight.

Bot of the main characters (Oliver and Tom) in very shy, but very charismatic. Smart, but doesn't show it. They are observant, and use it to get what they want.

Oliver saw Felix and immediately knew he wants what he has. Admirers, love interests left and right, money and a good family.

Tom sees Dickies family, sees their high rank and fortune and knew he will do anything to get in their good graces.

They also are neurotic liars, and are dangerously good at it. They knew how to get close to their target person, and lie they way to them. But when the lies are getting too much, and starting to emerge, they are taking action, and because they are so desperate to hold onto that imaginary life they created for themself, they'll do anything.

That's when the killing starts. For both boys, it's quite literally life and death, and can't see clearly, only that the carefully crafted sandcastle of their life is crumbling.

The ending for both is way too similar also, because you would think they realize how awful the thing they did, but no. They get the reward, and it makes them fulfilled. Makes them happy. I don't think they even feel a second of guilt after all of it.

All in all, two of my favorite films, absolute fucking rollercoaster, beautifully crafted with yummy academic undertones and dark academia vibes hmmm