Imagine how much scarier zombie movies would be if the zombies smiled when they saw you because they were excited to finally eat. Imagine walking into a building to go and find shelter, scavenge, whatever, and you shine your flashlight into a room only to find several zombies idling there. Your light catches their eyes and they turn to look at you, their expressions desolate and empty. However, the moment they spot you, their open mouths turn to wide uncontrollable smiles and their eyes disappear into slits. They almost look friendly. Maybe even some of them manage to laugh instead of groan. How would you feel after months and months of losing people you know to smiling hoards? How would you feel after every encounter with a joyful zombie leaves you shaken and tired and fearful? How would you feel after hearing the sounds of laughter mixed in with the sounds of screaming and flesh being torn? After everything, what would your brain's wiring process do to you when you see a friend smile? Would you hate smiling? Would you feel rage? Would your brain devolve back into a time where showing one's teeth always meant a threat? What would you do if the joy of the human race was now only kept by the dead

hey this is fucking horrifying

Can we talk about how in zombie shows/movies/books they always find a veterinarian and not a surgeon? Are veterinarians deemed more likely to survive the apocalypse?

Yup.

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Well if this isn’t some good writing research info then I don’t know what is.

I’m not over professional skills in Not Being Bitten

I would like to add that pediatricians are also trained in the fine arts of Not Being Bitten, Restraining the Patient in a Safe (Fun) Way, and Figure It Out (I’m Not Telling), which might also be helpful in a zombie apocalypse.

However, pediatricians also tend toward, as my old attending put it, to have a ‘shit sunshine and rainbows out their ass’ personality, which doesn’t mesh well with a grim-dark zombie show.

Last night I dreamt that there was a virus which reanimated the corpses of murdered children and made them return home, like changelings, and there was one man whose son had been 'turned' and he was on a one man mission to kill them before they got home. The children were all zombie-like and had no trace of their original selves, but the parents obvs wanted them back, so this vigilante man had to destroy the zombies before they got back to their parents and took the place of the child.

My brain wrote a p good horror film. Thanks, brain.

Hear me out... the vigilante man, who usually has to prevent the reanimated corpses of murdered children from returning to their grieving families, learns that a child was murdered by their parents but the parents got away with it, so he actually helps this weird zombie changeling entity hunt down its family and destroy them. It’s a dark comedy.

*Vigilante man driving, furrowed brow, zombie child buckled into a booster seat in the back*

Zombie child: *growls* Vigilante:  No, we still have another hour.  Your parents moved. Zombie child:  *quizzical growl* Vigilante:  I don’t know why they moved, they just moved. Zombie child:  *angry growl* Vigilante:  I said, I don’t know! Zombie child:  *insistent growl* Vigilante:  No, you do not need to go to the bathroom. Zombie child:  *quieter growl* Vigilante:  ... Yes, we can get McDonald’s. Zombie child:  *contented growl*

THIS IS EXQUISITE and I love you

*Vigilante man and zombie child finally arrive at zombie child’s parents’ new house. It’s a well kept house in the suburbs, with a beautifully manicured lawn, pristine white fence and yellow rose bushes alongside the garden path. The sign outside the house reads ‘Pleasant Cottage’, and there’s a smaller sign which reads ‘Beware of the children - they bite!’

Vigilante man opens the car door, unstraps zombie child from the booster seat, and, holding zombie child’s hand, he walks them up to the door.

Zombie child looks up at the building, then back at the car, then up at vigilante man*

Vigilante man: I know, kid. Take your time. Zombie child: *quizzical growl* Vigilante man: Yeah, they’re not doing too bad for themselves, considering they should be rotting in a jail cell. Zombie child: *warning growl* Vigilante man: Aw hell, sorry. Not that there’s anything wrong with rotting, of course. Zombie child: *placated growl* Vigilante man: So, what do you want to do? Zombie child: *looks back at the car, does a nervous growl* Vigilante man: I’m sorry, kid. I can’t answer that for you. Zombie child: *even more nervous growl* Vigilante man: It’s not up to me. It’s never been up to me. Zombie child: *looks up at the doorbell, does a very unhappy growl* Vigilante man: *ringing the doorbell of the house* It’s not fair, you’re right. You shouldn’t have to decide. You’re just a kid. But I can’t do that for you. I would if I could, but I can’t. It has to be you. All I can do is bring you here, and ring that doorbell, and the rest is your decision. You want us to turn around and leave, I’ll do it. I’ll drive us right back to - hell, I don’t know where, but somewhere far away from these fucks. Somewhere where you don’t ever have to see them again. But they did you wrong, kid. What they did was - *he breaks off, shaking his head* I’m so, so sorry that they did it. You deserved parents who loved you. And I’m not that, but I’m here for you, and if you want me to get in that car and take you far away from here, I will. I can’t say what’ll happen after that, but I promise, kid, I won’t let anything -

*the door opens, and a woman of about 35 stands there. At the sight of zombie child, she throws both hands up to her face, wide-eyed, and screams.*

Woman: Alex, I -

*Zombie child throws themselves on top of the woman, sinking their teeth into the meat of her shoulder. She howls in pain, trying to throw zombie child off, but their teeth hold fast. There’s an awful lot of blood.

Vigilante man stands, watching awkwardly, and rubs his thighs. He puts his hands in his pockets, then takes them out again, scrubbing a hand through the hair at the nape of his neck*

Vigilante man: Right. Right-o. Good talk, kid. I’ll just... wait in the car. Away from all... that.

*He walks back to the car quickly, chancing a glance over his shoulder every few steps, as the woman’s agonised screams fade out*

Plot twist, he actually ends up adopting all the zombie kids and lives in a big old house in the forest

Jason Statham is: Zombie Dad

well fuck now i gotta write this

Our fangs are none of your business unless they’re in your neck!

Our songs are not something to fool around with so save yourself the time and possible pain and just stop.

Stop👏telling👏werewolves👏to👏howl!!!

Our howls are only used for communicating and we don’t want to inconvenience our pack members!

It’s a rude stereotype. We don’t like that shit.

We don’t laugh like that! Our laugh is no different to yours, and making rude jokes about it really hurts our feelings!

Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie apocalypses are curiously lacking a large array of common equipment that could neatly control the situation.

“But we can’t build walls to contain them!”

Moves by truck, train or boat. Ridiculously common. And see those holes on the bottom? Mobile by forklift. Also, HEAVY, even when empty they’re in the tons. If you had some warning you could string these things end to end for miles and human bodies can’t move them. Plus they’re nice and wide so you can comfortably walk on top of them for patrols.

“But we don’t have easy ways to kill them!”

Put the shotgun down you fucking idiot.

No tires to pop. Heavy and slow but inevitable. Climbing required to enter and thus, relatively zombie proof, especially if you spend like an hour to protect the glass.

A lot of large farming equipment can destroy cars.

Want to guess what it’d do to a decaying human body? It’s not pretty.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Merely flattening them with common construction equipment or farming gear isn’t enough.

How about a

tree trimmer that can mulch a tree top to bottom in nothing flat?

OM NOM NOM NOM.

“But we need ways to move a lot of people that zombies can’t stop!”

BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER. Deer don’t have a chance and neither does a zombie.

“But that’s not good enough!”

NOW it’s time to call our friend the military because this ride stops for no one.

Do I need to keep going or is it clear the movies are bullshit yet? Seriously a dozen prepared people with heavy equipment licenses could clear an entire street of zombies AND powerwash it after.

Country folk can survive

Dude stack those connexes up and you got a sweet home. Lived and worked outta one for a year.

i had a dream about fucking… vampire discourse on tumblr like;

“reminder that blood sucker is a slur”

“vamp-born-vamps are valid if u got bitten later in life you’re not part of the vamp community” 

“support vamps who drink human blood, support vamps who drink animal blood, support vamps who drink animal and human blood”

“half bloods who are human presenting don’t belong in the community”

fantasy tumblr would be fucking insufferable

god can you even imagine

“If you only have two legs you’re human-passing and don’t belong in the fantasy community”

“What about satyrs?’

“You can wear shoes”

“Just a reminder that if you appropriate mermaid culture you’re a piece of shit”

“Actually we don’t mind because a lot of our culture comes from humans”

“Shapeshifters aren’t valid because they can be human if they want”

Oh my god it gets worse and worse

Listen Sweaty :) :) :) Bigfoots and Jersey Devils aren’t REAL mythfolk :) :) You r just confuused humans :)))

stop fetishizing incubi

stop fetishizing incubi

stop fetishizing incubi

stop fetishizing incubi

stop fetishizing incubi

stop fetishizing incubi

ONLY 👏FAIRIES 👏CAN 👏MAKE 👏FAIRY 👏RINGS

Why the FUCK did no one tag me in this

Werewolves are still werewolves no matter what form they’re in. We don’t stop being werewolves when we’re in human form, we don’t stop being werewolves when we’re in wolf form. Stop werewolf erasure!

Listen, I’ve been in a committed relationship with a selkie for over ten years.  I can tell you that whole hiding-the-pelt-thing is total bullshit.  If he wanted to leave he could, I am not holding him hostage.  Please, stop spreading this hurtful misinformation.

Support veelas who dance naked at the crossroads

Support veelas who seduce random townspeople

Support veelas who take shepherds as lovers

STOP SLUT SHAMING VEELAS!!!!!!!

friendly reminder that “ghost” is a term reserved for noncorporeals. if you’re semicorporeal you’re a poltergeist. stop calling poltergeists ghosts.

destroy the idea that zombies “need” to eat brains

some zombies can’t eat brains due to physical conditions that make them too weak to gnaw through the skull

some zombies can’t digest them

some zombies just don’t like the taste

all of these zombies are STILL VALID

DONT 👏 HOARD 👏 ITEMS 👏 UNLESS 👏 YOU 👏 A 👏 DRAGON

This post gets worse every time I see it

OhmyGOD

LET👏SHIFTERS👏INTO👏THE👏COMMUNITY👏👏👏👏 THIS INCLUDES ALL SHIFTERS!👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty

hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty

hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty

hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty

hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty

hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty

DONT👏WEAR👏FLOWER👏CROWNS👏UNLESS👏YOU👏ARE👏A👏WOODLAND👏CREATURE

ROBOTS. ARE. NOT. ALL. SERVICE. WORKERS.

STOP ASKING ROBOTS WHERE TO FIND THINGS IN SUPERMARKETS

stop calling demons evil just because they defied an oppressive system

demigods have a right to both halves of their heritage!

Repeat after me kids: Kelpies do. not. have to look like horses to still be Kelpies. Kelpies who take non-equine forms are JUST AS VALID as the Kelpies who take equine forms. Stop Kelpie purism and erasure.

Friendly reminder that Wendigos are possessed by cannibalistic spirits and can’t actually help their cravings.

Stop judging Wendigos for something they can’t control!

Don’t date underage elves!  Human years and elf years are not the same!

Stop the pedophilia!

Support tieflings with horns. Support tieflings without horns. Support tieflings with tails. Support tieflings without tails.

Support tieflings.

This gets longer and better every time I see it

When I first reblogged this it had 3 additions to it and now… How far we’ve come

DO NOT stereotype Western dragons for kidnapping damsels and hoarding treasure!! The treasure is for making DEALS, and we DON’T all kidnap maidens.

Okay?

Have I made myself clear?

DO NOT STEREOTYPE WESTERN DRAGONS, WE DO NOT ALL KIDNAP HUMANS AND EAT THEM. VEGETARIAN DRAGONS EXIST, AND IN MY OPINION SHEEP TASTE BETTER THAN HUMANS.  

I’m so over hearing the “a dragon is two wings, four legs. Everything else is a sub-type of dragon.” Like, wtf?!

These are just racist steroetypes of all dragonkind made by Gary Gygax to sell books! Try researching ancient or medieval dragons and you’ll find our ancestor come in all shapes and sizes! Heck, read the Bible and you’ll see that dragon has 7 heads and 7 horns!

STOP ERASING US. ALL DRAGONS ARE CREATED EQUAL!

Just because I’m a leprechaun, doesn’t give you give you permission to try and catch me. You won’t get a pot of gold, you’ll get arrested for assault.

how have I never seen this before oh my absolute god this is beautiful