mouthporn.net
#sleeping beauty – @holyfunnyhistoryherring on Tumblr
Avatar

must there be a title

@holyfunnyhistoryherring

is it not enough to just vibe
Avatar

not a lot of old-ass movies hold up in terms of comedy but sleeping beauty is fucking hilarious. “this is the 14th century.” “that’s because it’s on you dear.” the king at the end being confused af. fucking amazing

ok yeah im watching it again and nobody ever points out but. when merryweather says “you can’t sew and she’s never cooked” that like highkey implies that merryweather was the one in charge of actually taking care of the fucking kid which is hysterical. if merryweather was the main parental figure it’s a wonder aurora isn’t down for murder 24/7

see it’s easy to say “flora fauna and merryweather are a polyam couple” but tbh i think just flora and fauna are married, they both seem vaguely maternal towards merryweather, who in turn seems a lot younger and less experienced. so i have the headcanon that over in the fae realm these two were put in charge of training merryweather as their fae apprentice or whatever which somehow makes “merryweather was the one to take care of aurora” even FUNNIER. imagine you’re trying to train under these two powerful fairies and then before you know it you’re in the middle of the woods raising a baby and it turns out that without their wands your mentors are useless lesbians who don’t know how to cook. no wonder she’s so pissed all the time

i never liked the criticism that “aurora doesn’t do anything she only has like 10 lines that’s not #feminist” because. the main characters of the movie are the fairies, she just happens to get marketed more nowadays cause of the disney princess lineup, if you actually watch the movie it’s clear she’s not the protagonist, neither is phillip, i think he has roughly equal screentime to her. gender equality they’re both useless

but anyway when disney was doing that thing where they made one-shitbillion sequels they have serious untapped potential in post-movie aurora main character. because listen. listen. first of all she went through the most wild life-changing shit all in like two hours so she’s gonna be dealing with the fallout from that

but more importantly. girl was raised in the WOODS. she runs around barefoot petting wild animals and eating shit she picked up off the ground. she now lives in a castle as the future monarch. WHERE is my comedy sequel about that. where the FUCK is it. where is my scene of the servants and royals like “we’re so happy our beloved, perfect princess is finally back :)” and then she walks in covered in mud, smelling like riverwater, carrying a live fish and saying “i caught dinner” phillip sees nothing wrong with this

Avatar

“beauty and the beast” where beauty’s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck that and puts on her pants and marches down to the beast’s castle herself

and she’s expecting this horrifying dark fortress but it’s actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture that’s sometimes alive

and she thinks, i can work with this

and the beast comes out and he’s like don’t look at me i am a hideous monster and beauty’s like dude you’re like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding you’re AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride

and he’s like what and she goes around the castle like okay we’ll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook

and the beast is confused because isn’t she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and he’s like uh aren’t you going to try to run away

and beauty’s all are you kidding this is a magic castle i’m going to live here forever

so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and they’re all amazed that she’s alive and her sisters go WHY DIDN’T THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and she’s like nahhh he’s basically just a big cat he’s kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks i’m not looking

and she explains how it’s really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesn’t know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey that’s his hobby y’know i’m not gonna discourage that man

and then one day while beauty’s re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and he’s like hey so this is awkward but are you like………………………………..in love with me……?????????

and beauty’s like oh uh wow haha um sorry no you’re…sort of a tiger

and the beast is like thank goodness because if you were i’d have to turn back into a human and i’ve kind of gotten used to being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason like why would i want to go back to being a spindly little man and then beauty laughs and she’s like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear

and they end up getting married in the end just because it’s easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if he’s not actually a man, and that’s fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers

and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you don’t like my crepes? well you know my husband, who is literally a tiger, loves them and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted

and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again

can that happen

8D

Can we have a whole book of aromantic fairy tales?

I needed this so much.

I am down for this idea of the Beast as a scholarly ace tiger with horns.

Avatar
kiragecko

[Image shows a bipedal tiger-man with horns and tiny round glasses, a dark-haired woman with bare feet and hairy legs, and an animate teapot and broom.

The tiger-man is picking a bouquet of roses from his bush. The lady is sitting cross-legged on a wall and reading behind him. The teapot is pouring tea into two tiny cups. The broom is sweeping in the background.

They all seem at peace.

End ID.]

Please, a whole book of aromantic fairytales would be amazing! (I’d like ace and aro-ace tales, as well, but it could also be good for aros to get rep that isn’t mixed together with ace stuff, for once. I mean, it shouldn’t ALL be for me.)

The Seven Dancing Princesses: dude figures out that the sisters have an amazing magical land where they can dance as much as they want and not have to be separated. Keeps the secret. Figures out a way to protect their slippers so they don’t wear them out, probably with the youngest sister’s help? She’s so impressed that she marries the dude. He’s safe from poverty. She gets to pursue her passion and stay with the people she loves. They become good friends, and he loves watching her dance with her family.

Sleeping Beauty: no one can wake her. A hundred years pass with the castle frozen in time. An animal makes it’s home on her bed. Snuggles with her at night. Keeps its babies alive one winter using her magically preserved body heat. Eventually, it licks her face and she awakes. No boys are involved in the story at all.

And this one got away from me and became a whole story:

Rumpelstiltskin: autistic miller’s daughter is REALLY good at making thread. Especially linen thread. She’s constantly soaking flax in the river that powers their mill. Extracting the inner fibers from the outer, straw like, boon. Hackling (combing) it. Spinning it. Dying it. Her thread is strong, her colours are bright and long lasting, and her father isn’t foolishly boasting when he says she turns straw into gold.

Avatar

A totally random sleeping beauty origin story in which the king and queen go to outside help to conceive. the gorgons, the creatures that lay in the belly of the swamps, slithering in the boiling pools, grant the couple’s request. they are loyal subjects, after all.

they promise that the child will live a long life. they promise that she will have great strength, will speak many tongues, and that she will strike awe into the hearts of men.

the queen thanks them, but before she can go they stop her with one last promise: if the child is not loved, then they must give her back.

I will love my child, say the two, and race off atop a shimmering steed.

9 months pass and the queen gives birth to a child, a healthy baby girl. but as time goes on, things start going wrong. servants start burning from the inside out, objects begin to vibrate from the toddler’s cries. the princess howls like a never-ending night, and nursemaids leave blind.

this cannot go on, the people hiss. this cannot go on.

and so the king and queen place her away from the castle’s inhabitants, far up in a tower. there she may scream and the world may tremble. there she may cry and no one’s ears will bleed. there she may live her life, among four stone walls. alone.

they send instructors up to the tower, one by one. a professor. a sorcerer. a hunter. a tamer. each attempt more desperate.

until there is nothing left to do. and so the princess is left in her tower, viewed as more monster than girl, fed by scraps through the door.

the parents do not fulfill their promise.

they do not give her back.

the princess, in filthy tatters and between clawed walls, pleads to be let out. i will be good, she promises tearfully. i will be good, just let me see them. I want to see them.

but she cannot control her nature, these sick powers she has been given. so she is left, often starved.

over time her pleas become bargains. i will not scream, if you let me see them once. i will not look upon you, if you let me touch them. i will not kill you, if you only let me be with them one last time.

none of these are accepted.

the princess turns fourteen. she grows strong. she speaks many tongues. and she strikes awe into the hearts of whoever she meets.

and why not? her eyes are yellow, like a deathly hawk. her hair hangs low, like the night. her teeth shine brightly, like the fang of a beast. her skin, though. oh, her skin. it glistens and glimmers and it is cold, like a reptile.

and her heart grows stunted. small. shattered.

they did not love her. no one did. they did not give her back, either.

months pass and crowds gather, swooping into the castle in courtly procession. the princess stares down in curiousity, but also longing. why are they here? what has happened below?

for the first time in her life, she escapes. i will not tell you how. perhaps because it is terrible and wicked. perhaps because it is clever. and perhaps because it is boring.

only you really know.

“the baby princess,” the people whisper to each other, while she clings to the shadows. “the baby princess.”

she is not a baby though, is she.

is. she.

and so the christening begins, golden plates and golden goblets set down. each numbered correctly, one for each guest.

the fairies of the glen. oh, how beautiful they are. their wings gleam like dewdrops in the morning, and their hair slips over their shoulders like the sun peeking through trees. they have made this possible, everyone murmurs. we must be thankful to the fairies, for they have given the rulers their daughter.

they all sit down to dine, and the princess–the eldest, the first born, the forgotten–stumbles in. her hair is lank. her eyes bleed tears. and her skin is cracking, old and scaly. oh, she is gruesome. the courtiers gag at the sight of her.

“leave, witch!” they order, but she pays them no heed. she walks up to the throne, and smiles at the king and queen.

“remember me?” she murmurs, teeth sharp but smile pleasant. she looks around. “every plate and every goblet. every person has a setting. except for me. now, why wasn’t I invited?”

“we don’t know who you are,” they reply fearfully.

“oh?”

the ground begins to shake. the guests scream. people howl, ears bleeding.

“you should not have struck another bargain so soon, you know,” she says, glancing at the fairies’ iridescent wings. “for everyone knows that gifts from the forest folk are not gifts. song, beauty, grace, wealth. are these all not useful to the fairies? and they will get their gifts back.” she stares at her parents. “they always get their children back.”

“please,” beg the king and queen, kneeling before their daughter. “please.”

the girl steps aside and walks to the cradle.

the guards surge forward.

“I WANT TO SEE HER!” screams the princess. the guards collapse in a shot of ash. “I want to see her,” she whispers brokenly.

the girl inside is like the dawn, blonde and gold and rosy. noisy, too.

“come now,” she soothes the child, smoothing back a curl. “do not cry. out of the two of us, i am the more ugly one,” she teases. “you are my family, you know. my own little sister, wound by the spring petals as i was forged by the burning pools. we are together, in that. they will not understand half-beings such as us. in fact,” she looks up at the court, cracked lips winding into a smile. “i, too, would like to give a gift to the child.”

her parents recoil, but it is too late.

far, far too late now.

“she will be yours until she finds my tower. on that day, she will learn what has been done, all your great sins against me. i will take her with me, show her the chaos you wrought into our veins by asking the forest for what was not theirs to give. thus, i give you this last promise: if she does not love me, i will give her back.”

and the princess strode from the castle, ripping the stone walls down. only the tower remained.

what happened next was simple, really. it was just the middle and the ending. every story has to have it, as you well know. but the middle and the ending are vague things. you will have to decide what happens.

after all, this was just the beginning.

Avatar
writeyouin

This was the coolest version of Sleeping Beauty I’ve ever bloody read. OP, you deserve an entire novel, a film, and a whole crowd of dedicated fans for the imagination this sparks. Thank you for sharing your epic work.

Avatar

ok we gotta come up with writing prompts for these:

1. After her magnate father’s untimely demise, Ella, recently jilted by her very own prince charming, turns to an old family friend for help stealing back her inheritance from a wrathful stepmother. But the pair can only work so much magic and time is running out: in this increasingly deadly game of cat-and-mouse, there’s no telling who will still be standing when the clock strikes midnight. Bonus points if the writer uses a ‘sin-derella’ pun. bonus points if there are diamonds involved so we can make puns about glass.

2. When her police chief father is forced off the case, a young P.I. investigates a series of presumed kidnappings of beautiful socialites. All roads lead back to the mysterious mob boss known only as La Bestia, but under his violent reputation there may just be more than meets the eye. Throw in the once-resplendent now-defunct Castle Rose Casino, an egomaniacal ex-fiancé won’t take no for an answer, a local lycanthropy legend that may actually hold some truth, and the threat of being forcibly detained–this detective is in for the biggest hunt of her life. But beastly or not, she always gets her man: they don’t call her Jezebelle for nothing…

3. The Arabian Tiger’s Eye may not be the world’s largest ruby, but it’s certainly the most famous–and cursed. With a habit of disappearing and reappearing, the gem is briefly scheduled to be exhibited in public for the first time in decades. Naturally this brings all sorts of thieves out of the woodwork, including: a beautiful-but-dangerous royal descendant intent on reclaiming her country’s rightful heritage, a conman with a heart-of-gold being set up to take the fall, an indebted illusionist who is running out of magic to perform, and a treacherous museum director who is ruthless enough to kill them all. Not to mention what could happen when the ruby’s curse comes into play…

4. Commercial diving isn’t a glamorous job, and Ariel’s tired of the family business. When saving a handsome (but hopeless) swimmer leads to an invitation to a private resort, she jumps at the chance to travel. And if the wealthy stranger assumes she’s one of the jet set, who is she to correct him? In need of quick funding, Ariel makes a dangerous deal. Ursula Enterprises is fishy at best, and the job is anything but easy: locating the long lost Sea Witch. The shipwreck has spent centuries on the ocean floor, sunk in almost undivable waters. Now Ursula wants it–and its mysterious cargo. But sunken treasure is the least of Ariel’s worries–not when she’s already feeling like a fish out of water masquerading as a carefree tourist, and dealing with a love affair that won’t quite take off. Throw in a crabby family friend who wants her to return safely home, his sweet but floundering partner, and a contract she should have read more carefully before signing–it’s anything but smooth sailing for this rebellious diver, who just may be out of her depths. 

YES

5. Tiana likes to make her own way, working honest to prove that it can be done in a city riddled with crime and underhand dealings. But when an offer comes her way she finds it hard to say no. An offer to play dress up for a few days and keep a visiting royal out of the way for a lucrative business deal. But when kidnappers and possible assassins try to silence the Prince permanently, Tiana must save both their lives. Using her street smarts and strong will she gathers allies along the way. A man with a gift for music whose reputation is completely unfounded, a day dreamer who knows everyone and anyone, and a wise woman who might be as crazy as she is all knowing. Dragging around a pretty boy was not what Tiana imagined. She planed to ditch him until he takes a bullet for her and she starts to see beyond the facade. Can she keep him alive long enough for their relationship to go anywhere? Bonus points if Naveen gets the nickname Hopper at some point.

6. When Fa Zhou is murdered by a man with a grudge from his time in the Chinese military, it falls on his daughter Mulan to avenge his name and restore the family’s honor. As a first generation Asian-American, Mulan must balance her family’s past and traditions with embracing the new opportunities her homeland offers her. When she goes undercover to hunt down the man who killed her father, she finds herself working with a young police officer trying to live up to his fathers shadow. But when Li Shang’s father is killed by the same man who killed hers, Mulan finds herself struggling to keep her identity a secret and to not fall for the officer. When a confrontation with the murderer goes south, Mulan finds her secrets exposed and no way back in. How can she avenge her father and rekindle the spark between her and Shang? Bonus Points if Mushu is a reformed gangster whose eccentric personality resulted in him being indebted to the Fa family.

7. When Miss White’s father died under mysterious circumstances, she barely has time to grieve before her mother shoves her aside in an attempt to “Keep the family’s reputation pure.” But when Miss White is the survivor of an arranged accident she flees for her life. When she finds herself cornered later that night by a bunch of thugs and she is rescued by a group of vigilantes. After suffering a blow to the head in the fight, she comes too in their hideout she starts to earn her keep. At first by doing chores but then by taking lessons on how to fight and now hopes to join the band of oddly named vigilantes out on the streets. When her first mission on the streets goes south and the rumor she’s still alive reach her mother’s ears, all bets are off on whether Miss White can keep her hands from turning red. When a fresh out of the academy baby-face cop gets caught up in the action, Miss White now finds herself teaching him the rules of the streets, together can they stop this duplicitous queen of a hidden social class empire?

You are using an unsupported browser and things might not work as intended. Please make sure you're using the latest version of Chrome, Firefox, Safari, or Edge.
mouthporn.net