I got my first grades back, they were fine. Better than average, but to be frank I don't really care. I'm happy with my course, happy with most of my teachers and as long as I pass it's all fine. I'm trying to balance the workload and the rest of my life, so far I would say it's going fine. I'm looking to change my life, as I'm not satisfied where I am and hope to achieve where I wish to be. Life is just life, and it's just fine.

I love nib-grinding. To put it simply, a standard fountain pen is sold with a round nib, often tipped with a metal to prevent the tip from corroding. This round tip can be ground down to a variety of shapes, the most common being the stub nib, to produce interesting lines. It is the secret to having distinctive handwriting and adding a certain unique taste to your handwriting. The process is quite simple and frankly only requires some sandpaper and a loupe (or a phone with 10x zoom). Essentially you grind both the top side and bottom side of the circle flat, and then grind the end of the tip flat as well. I find it a quant idea to imagine some years down the road owning a little cottage and spending my days working away on nibs.

I can't stop thinking about death and rebirth. Our fear of death, and how many times we die without dying. How can we claim to be a person, specifically ourself when each day we break away from the world and begin afresh, yet suffering from the past.

20210709

I got a traveler's notebook and I'm enjoying it very much for my planning. There's something beautiful about the simplicity of paper.

20210705

I'm home alone this week, a thing I consider to be a great gift. I have graduation tomorrow and a dinner with friends some day this week as well. I'm looking forward to it all, to the end of an era but I am lamenting it in equal amounts, this end does not feel just after the past year and a half.

20210702

20210626

After some anger fueled journaling I came to the conclusion that I am in fact trans. I.e. I've always been/felt like a boy but repressed that once puberty came around because I was told a small infinite times how my feelings were completely invalid and spend all my time trying to please my abusers, who obviously have a daughter. It makes sense now, just like when I first realized I was being abused emotionally. Realising this doesn't solve how I feel right now, but it's a step. (Featuring my current reads)

I graduated but I'm still working hard. Currently I'm mainly focused on learning German. I intend to move there sometime in the future and though I think I can improvise my way in emergency situations, I am finally taking the time to properly learn it in a structured way.