2024.11.03

I'm trying to find more peace with 'ugly' productivity. I am vulnerable to the allure of perfection, especially the kind encapsulated in pristine layouts, writing and appearance. Alas, images are not a lived reality. This blog is not a lived reality either, but I would like for it to be somewhat accurate to life. On a different note, I'm idly pondering ways of structing my commonplace. It is almost exclusively text, the exception being film stubs, and I dislike the circle indexing system as that doesn't help me easily find specific information. I would keep a running index digitally, but I have just a few too many loose quotes without further context slotted into the book. Very open to suggestions (and general thoughts related to commonplacing).

hizerain

20241012

Though I am halfway through the notebook that is my dedicated commonplace book, I'm not exactly sure how to fix it anymore. Removing of structure makes it too messy and makes it impossible as a reference piece, adding even more structure makes it too unwieldy to add entries into. Perhaps the inherent problem is looking for this optimization, instead of just trying to make it work for me. Life is busy, thesis work is busy. I want to document more, to share more but I am unlikely to take photos and feel increasingly uncomfortable with being online, not so much because of the people as it is the corporations and the way the internet is changing (though admittedly, the players do play a role). I want to be seen, but I don't really want to be known.

hizerain

2024.07.26

I'm attempting a comeback of sorts, attempting to use this account as a way to document and create accountability. I do notice I'm quite resistant to the visual nature of most studyblr and studyblr adjacent content. Of course this isn't necessary, but it is the general way such content presents itself. As is usual, I'm attempting to find my own balance within existence. Currently I'm working through the entirety of 'The Rising Sea: Foundations of Algebraic Geometry'. I hope to get around part IV done this summer and finish the book before the end of the calendar year. It's going alright. Beside that I have a small note I'd like to write up about a theorem and I'm playing around a little with skew braces. So much mathematics and so little time.

hizerain

It's been a while. I'm not exactly present, not exactly gone. I've changed a lot, I'd like to think grown on the good days and adapted on the worse days. I've stopped feeling the desire or urge to really document life in the way that any kind of social media inherently promotes. At times I do miss it, I enjoy the visual diary this account has become, though I cringe at times when looking back at older content as I imagine most people do, but at the same time it is difficult for me to remember to document things and then keep up with it.

Either way, summer's come. I'm working on some small research project, working through a major textbook, learning a language and at times occassionally attempting to relax.

hizerain

20240205

I wrote a little summary of what I read the past month. It's been quite a ride, my exams started one and a half months ago and today the new semester has come forth. Nonetheless, the past few months have been deeply transformative for me and I find myself in a position of neverending gratitude for the kind people in my life and hope that I may be of service to them in some small amount as they have been to me.

hizerain

i'm not really on here anymore, or any virtual platform for that matter. The past few months have been tumultous and I have changed, fundamentally, intensely, a deliberate effort to rebuild and reshape the clay of the earth.

I've reached a greater level of mathematical maturity through ego reduction, I've found an undocumented life to be better, for me. Above all, I've decided the self is a network, it's always moving. Who I am cannot be reduced, it cannot be simplified, it is what I do and what I do is all encompasing and ever changing.

hizerain

So I read 200 pages a day for a week (link is to a textpost) and the most insightful thing I gained from it, outside of the knowledge resulting from the books themselves obviously, is that I'm going to be stopping all tracking of the books i read. Quantification of reading makes reading a secondary activity as opposed to the focus, everything becomes reduced to data. So much of life is already reduced to statistics, it seems silly to impose even more rationalization to life.

hizerain

I wrote a little something. I've been finding myself increasingly dissatisfied with any platform, especially the visual nature of most. These are some musings based on some recent experiences, predominantly re-reading Open Water and how, when I read it the first time, the book made me re-evaluate much of the experiences in my life and the relationship I had established between myself, my body and the world.

I might move to a blog permanently. Though I enjoy the hybrid space of tumblr, I don't feel much for visual aesthetics anymore and find the formatting of predominantly written posts on tumblr to be cumbersome. We'll see.

hizerain

I've been re-reading some of my favourite books - in particular Assembly by Natasha Brown and Open Water by Caleb Azumah Nelson.

Both are about very similar topics, explored in different ways. One is poignant, clear and straightforward, the other melodic and lyrical. They both tell a different story, they both tell the same story. What it's like to be looked at, but not be seen.

I know that feeling all too well. How people look at you but don't see you, and if they do, what they see is different from what you are. How you lose the ability to see yourself and instead can only look at yourself, at a self that isn't really yours anymore. And when you can't see yourself anymore, how can you be yourself?

But both are also about love, love for family, love for friends, others, strangers and yourself. Love may not be the way out, but it's the way forward. It's an attempt at healing, it's a requirement for survival.

You would soon learn that love made you worry, but it also made you beautiful. Love made you Black, as in, you were most coloured when in her presence. It was not a case for concern; one must rejoice! You could be yourselves. (Open Water)

hizerain

20230726

I oscillate between satisfaction and dissatisfaction with life at a rapid pace. It is not that I am unhappy, nor that I am particularlly happy, it is moreso an evaluation. At times I am satisfied with all that I've done in spite of the many things that have stood in my way, other times I remain dissatisfied with whatever achievements I've accumulated. I don't think there's a particular solution to the oscillation problem, perhaps I wouldn't want one. I think it's very easy for us all to get caught up in waves of satisfaction (with who we are, what we do, what we've done) and dissatisfaction (what we haven't done yet, what we ought to do, what we could've done) which is undoubtedly amplified by instantaneous communication and the development of the internet. In the end we should just ride the waves, enjoy satisfaction when it comes and when dissatisfaction looms remind ourselves that whatever lies ahead, or parallel, doesn't diminsh what is already done.

hizerain

20230722

I've finished most of my summer TBR, I'm currently a tenth through 'Transformation of the World' and it is a delight to read. Surprisingly, the more I read the less I want to read. I very much enjoy reading, but I feel more inclined now to be more mindful of what I read. I've long stopped caring about how much I read, I don't want to quantify every aspect of my life especially not the things that are nigh impossible to quantify. Now, I'm finally thinking more about what I read as well, and why I read what I read. I'm also writing again, a story I ought to have finished a long time ago. I've revisited this idea for the third time, and while I wish I had finished it those times before I do believe that every time I start again with the idea I add another layer to it and improve it.

hizerain

20230714

Currently about halfway through 'The Brothers Karamazov', I'm enjoying it immensely. It's been a while since I've read something that provokes an equal amount of thoughts within me as it does laughter. The humor might be morbid to some but I rather enjoy it. I can't wait to see how it turns out, and then it's onwards to Tolstoy.

hizerain

20230710

Reading, reading, reading. I don't quite know what to say in these captions anymore, I'm out of practice it seems. I'm approaching summer with a singular goal, reading. It's been a very tumultuous year for me so far because of a wide range of happenings, whilst I usually find the quiet of summer disconcerting I welcome its melancholy and temporality now. I'm primarily reading non-fiction, completing philosophical works of which I only managed to read a snippet for class. Usually I'd be thinking of the future, the many things to come. I can't live in ignorance of what is to happen, but for now I can live in the present.

hizerain

Summer TBR

Given I wanted to spend the majority of my summer reading, in an attempt to recover from the tumultous spring semester and I wanted to be a bit more active on here I thought I'd keep track of my list on this post.

La Chute, Albert Camus
~~The Dispossessed, Urusla K. Le Guin~~

Finished 2 July. I really enjoyed this, it was quite an easy read but I mean that in the best way possible. It passed around a lot of interesting ideas in a way that is easily graspable and I liked the switch of perspectives between the planets/past and present.

~~Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov~~

Finished 7 July. I have had this on my shelf since 2018, and finally finished reading it. Subject matter aside, it was a surprisingly easy read as the language was surprisingly simple to comprehend and the pace, at times, rather high. It was revolting in the exact way I had anticipated and the book definitely lives up to its status as a classic.

~~Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami~~

Finished 5 July. I'm not the biggest fan of Murakami, but I enjoyed the mystery aspect of this book and the story unravelling slowly before my eyes.

The Gebroeders Kramazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Leadership, Henry Kissinger
Transgender Marxism, Gleeson & O'Rourke
De metamorfose van de wereld, Jurgen Österhammel
~~De Consultancy Industrie, Mazzucato & Collington~~

Finished 4 July. One of the most frustrating books I've read all year in the best way possible, that is, by exposing one of the fundamental structures that keeps out current world running in a clear and comprehensive way.

Additional books I've read

The Secret History, Donna Tartt

I reread this book about every year during the summer as it perfectly encapsulates my melancholy. Surprisingly, I found it particularly insightful this time around. Perhaps because I'm a little older, perhaps a bit more experienced, but I felt that for the first time I was able to fully see both stories unfolding (The great tragedy and the satire) and it made the book all the greater to read again

hizerain

It's been a while. I'm not exactly well, but I can't claim to be sick either. I have slowly been discarding the internet and though the fog appears to be parting, the ground underneath my feet feels is more unstable than it was before. There is much I have seen, there is even more to come and somewhere, in between, I exist.

hizerain

"Through him, and Rach, I study this cultural capital. I learn what I'm meant to do. How I'm meant to live. What I'm supposed to enjoy. I watch, I emulate. It takes practice. And an understanding of what's out of reach. What I can't pull off. Born here, parents born here, always lived here - still never from here. Their culture becomes parody on my body."

Assembly, Natasha Brown

hizerain

I think I might slowly migrate, in part, from tumblr to a blog of sorts. This tumblr blog has always been a strange mix of a diary of the current trajectory of my life, which has been changing rapidly as of late, a motivational boost to study and a place to share some musings.

I enjoy what this blog is to me and what it hopefully can be to others but I have an increasing repulsion towards aesthetics and engaging with them in any way feels wrong. I want to share more and yet I want to share less.