I've spent all of the past week working. While it hardly sounds like fun, it very much was. It was challenging in all the right ways and there is nothing nicer than getting to know new people in a vacuum in which we only know what we choose to disclose.

I got my first grades back, they were fine. Better than average, but to be frank I don't really care. I'm happy with my course, happy with most of my teachers and as long as I pass it's all fine. I'm trying to balance the workload and the rest of my life, so far I would say it's going fine. I'm looking to change my life, as I'm not satisfied where I am and hope to achieve where I wish to be. Life is just life, and it's just fine.

I'm thinking of perhaps starting a blog to replace social media, or to make it so that I only use these platforms to create. I don't care much for monetary value, but I find them interesting as digital journals. Snippets into my thoughts and what others reflect on as well. The value of social media platforms for me has never been about me as a person with a regular irregular life but moreso about my ideas and thoughts. Who we are is relevant, but I find what we think and how we act on said thoughts to be far more important.

I'm not quite sure why I stick around on social media anymore. I assume it's a sunken cost fallacy, I feel as though what I share still has value to me even though I'm not quite sure it does. I already don't very actively engage in social media due to the negative effects it has on my health, but why I post remains a mystery to me currently. Maybe I'll figure it out soon.

University is starting coming Monday. This week has been a little strange, it feels like I'm tying up loose ends in a way. Everything is set for my start at university, and while I am excited I am also approaching it with healthy caution. I expect it to be a more pleasant experience than secondary school, but I try not to raise expectations too high.

I love nib-grinding. To put it simply, a standard fountain pen is sold with a round nib, often tipped with a metal to prevent the tip from corroding. This round tip can be ground down to a variety of shapes, the most common being the stub nib, to produce interesting lines. It is the secret to having distinctive handwriting and adding a certain unique taste to your handwriting. The process is quite simple and frankly only requires some sandpaper and a loupe (or a phone with 10x zoom). Essentially you grind both the top side and bottom side of the circle flat, and then grind the end of the tip flat as well. I find it a quant idea to imagine some years down the road owning a little cottage and spending my days working away on nibs.

I've got promises to keep.

Fevers are a funny thing. Though I can't say I felt anywhere close to good, surprisingly in my lucid moments I realised it's time to set my priorities right. I felt the need to sedate myself and my mind through media, it felt necessary despite that I know it was very flawed calculus. I have obsessive qualities which I don't doubt are amplified in this day and age, and I want to channel them in more sensible ways. Excessive consumption of media has always been my way of escaping the world, I think I'm ready to stop running.

Authenticity is a strange thing. Authenticity is just another buzz word to encourage consumption these days. It is hardly an objective thing, or even really a concept we can put into words. I suppose it's become a synonym for realistic, which seems equally subjective to me. What is realistic, and thus true or authentic, to one is very different from another. Authenticity hinges on the idea that there is some opposite that is not authentic. If I were to present myself in one specific way, a deliberate act we would consider it inauthentic. Yet, if no one is any wiser and all people know me as my act, then isn't it authentic. Is it even a question worth asking?

I don't like summers, nor do I like holidays much. I enjoy the lack of external pressure in my life, yet at the same time it is unbearable for me to spend day in day out with the same horrendous people. I much rather enjoy working all the time at 70% intensity than something akin to intervals of 100% and 0%. I'm not made for the latter, I cannot do that without going insane. The again, perhaps I am insane already.

I've finally bought a tablet with a pen. I've wanted it for a very long time. While I adore the analog and will never stop using my pens, I am conscious of how much paper I use and want to actively reduce it. So much of my paper usage is for one-time things like worksheets I never look over or scrap paper for solving problems, doing it digitally is a space efficient and eco friendly alternative so I'm excited to combine the digital space and my analog world in new ways.

I can't stop thinking about death and rebirth. Our fear of death, and how many times we die without dying. How can we claim to be a person, specifically ourself when each day we break away from the world and begin afresh, yet suffering from the past.

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I got a traveler's notebook and I'm enjoying it very much for my planning. There's something beautiful about the simplicity of paper.

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I'm home alone this week, a thing I consider to be a great gift. I have graduation tomorrow and a dinner with friends some day this week as well. I'm looking forward to it all, to the end of an era but I am lamenting it in equal amounts, this end does not feel just after the past year and a half.

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After some anger fueled journaling I came to the conclusion that I am in fact trans. I.e. I've always been/felt like a boy but repressed that once puberty came around because I was told a small infinite times how my feelings were completely invalid and spend all my time trying to please my abusers, who obviously have a daughter. It makes sense now, just like when I first realized I was being abused emotionally. Realising this doesn't solve how I feel right now, but it's a step. (Featuring my current reads)

I graduated but I'm still working hard. Currently I'm mainly focused on learning German. I intend to move there sometime in the future and though I think I can improvise my way in emergency situations, I am finally taking the time to properly learn it in a structured way.

I graduated highschool cum laude and got one of my grail pens, a Pelikan Souverän M405. It's the pen I'll use for a lifetime, or at least the next three years of university. To all other people who graduated, congratulations! And to those currently struggling, I have spent the past 6 years battling a variety of mental illnesses and personal problems and yet here I stand. Spring will come.