We are six months on in this trial but the scar and neurostimulator you see represent years and years of struggle, hopelessness, suicidal ideation, and disappointment, to name a few. A lot of bad has happened to me and at my hand and I hate even think about everything that’s happened. But I’m still here, still trying to make it through, which is a goal that I don’t necessarily have every day, so when I’m able to I try and ride that wave as far as possible
In a society that still holds onto a heavy stigma surrounding mental illness, it’s surprisingly easy to forget that there are people who aren’t depressed
I was talking to my therapist today and we got on the subject of my dreams and I mentioned that I have a recurring theme in all my dreams (that I remember) in which I’m stuck somewhere, physically unable to move because my muscles are so weak, but I need to run away from danger and she asked me what the worst part about being stuck even if there’s nothing bad and I said that the worst thing is the feeling you get when you accept the fact that you’re stuck and have no control and your fate is no longer in your hands
I likened it to when a volcano erupts, and that first wave of heat and debris and energy starts coming out at whatever hundred mph and a guy is in his car trying to out run it but he knows that driving 60 mph will not save him and hey can see it coming in his rearview mirror; he accepts what is about to happen, he sees death coming for him faster and faster
That feeling when you can’t put forth any effort that will make a difference in anything
That feeling is quite literally going to kill me
I know this demon is going to win. It’s wearing me down like wind on a building. Slowly, gradually, inconspicuous to outsiders
obviously not havin a good day sorry y’all
Trying to remind myself to help myself on the daily ft. my oddly decent for once handwriting
Actively recognizing and feeling and watching and witnessing your mood swing is wild
hi if you don't want to answer its ok & i dont want to trigger you,just delete this srsly if you cant talk about it, i just know sometimes youre more open about your life which is really cool. how do you know when its time to get help? i have noticed that every year its gotten worse. maybe when i was 18, it was more subtle and i never would have done it but then i started hitting myself when i was 20 and now im 22 and it is constant whenever im alone. but im still scared im just being dramatic?
(2) like what if it's just me being me or me being insecure, like how do you know when it's something beyond you?? what if two years from now the suicidal thoughts are worse? is that just bc im used to it or is something wrong with me? like obvs you dont know the answer but idk when it's TIME like when was it TIME for you
What struck me the most about this, or I guess what really touched me the most, is when you said you’re scared that you’re just being dramatic.
That is my biggest hang up about my situation. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times in 15 months because a doctor thought it was indicated and I still think I’m just being dramatic. So if that’s what is keeping you from getting help, please don’t let it. Because that “I’m just being dramatic” thought is only circulating in YOUR mind, no one else’s. No one else thinks you’re being dramatic and if they do, they’re irrelevant.
But for me, in terms of getting help, my situation was different. My initial problem came on VERY suddenly and I didn’t have time to be like “I’m dramatic” before I got help. That only came afterwards. I was in such a state of panic and so uninformed that I didn’t even know my problems were psychiatric in nature until after I saw a doctor.
But if I could give you one single piece of advice, it would be this: you need to get help as soon as you start to wonder when you should get help. If getting help is on your mind at all, you need to get help. Because that means you’re in a state of existence such that you know you can’t do this alone. Does that make sense? To me it means that even if subconsciously, you’re looking for ways to get yourself from where you’re at to where you want to be.
I really appreciate you feeling like you could trust my input on this. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but please get help sooner rather than later. Don’t try to power through whatever you’re going through, because that only makes the process of recovery harder when you finally start.
If you ever want to know more, or have other questions, obviously you can come to me anytime, on anon or in person (obviously to be kept private).
Good luck, friend. I’m praying for your heart that you will find peace.
It’s been a year since my last ECT treatment and I still can’t remember huge chunks of my life over the past couple of years. And my short term memory, which used to be really good, is now crap. I know that ECT works for some people and that’s fantastic, I just wish that all the time and money we invested ended up being worth it for me too. Oh well
I just want to die. But I'm also tired of wanting to die. But all of this is just so draining and I circle back to just wanting to die.
I just saw this in my inbox, I have no idea how long it’s been here and I’m so sorry, friend.
I’m pretty much in this same position and have been for a LONG time and I’m still trying to figure everything out. So I really don’t have much advice on this front, but maybe some of my followers do?
Is anyone ever okay? Like, I can only see the world through my window of depression and it’s hard for me to imagine not being depressed and wanting to kill myself. But some people have got to actually be okay, right? Like obviously everyone has problems I’m not saying that everyone’s lives are perfect, but people actually live with a mostly positive outlook and are not sad all the time?
SOUNDS FAKE but it has to be real I think?
My dad was like “I hope y’all don’t get sick from me” and I was like “I don’t get sick. At least not physically. Mentally, it’s terminal”
I need to come up with coping skills for my anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, all separately.
Thing is, nothing I’ve done so far actually helps me feel better. I don’t know what makes me feel good. I don’t know how to figure this out. It’s so frustrating and disheartening.
It makes me feel like I will never get over this and that makes me feel even worse and the cycle continues.
This is something I just recently learned and I related to it a lot so I figured I'd pass on the info just in case anyone else related to it, whether personally or because of a friend or family member:
Anxiety disorders with no comorbidities have been linked with suicidal ideation and attempts.
Suicide isn't just about being depressed, schizophrenic, or addicted to drugs...anxiety alone is enough to get you there so please watch out for your anxious friends/family because even if they aren't symptomatic of anything else, that one single symptom is enough to send them into a dark, hopeless place no one should ever have to see or experience.
Depression is hard because you have a pile of clothes that’s been living on your floor for a week and dishes in the sink that have been there for 3 days because you can’t bring yourself to empty the clean dishes from the dish washer but today I managed to get up, walk my dog, do laundry (still haven’t put my clean clothes up yet) and do the dishes. Plus I rode my bike. I still feel shitty af but I’m trying here.
