Super Hero Happy Meal

In the post-DC Comics Relaunch Universe of SUPERBOY BIG GULP:

This is what the unread postcard KAL-EL sent the Bat-Boys looked like, before they fed it to ACE THE BAT HOUND.

It was the same card he'd also sent a few other peeps, the original having been mailed to The THREE Architects of the DCU's Great Change.  It was with those fuckers in mind that Superman's simple, direct message

had been written, after all.  When he'd learned of The THREE's latest intentions -- erasing his marriage to LOIS LANE after they had been together God knows how many years -- telling them to suck his super-sized Kryptonian cock just seemed to say it all.  

There was just one little problem. While The THREE played dice with his identity for their new DCU, Superman's Kryptonian abilities had been put on hold.  Thus, Kal-El knew he'd need BATMAN's help to keep Lois around.

Since he could no longer fly, getting to where Batman was also became something of a problem. After all, what good was knowing where to find Batman if he couldn't get to him? 

Deciding he'd ask the Bat-Boys to borrow a Batmobile to go see BRUCE, Superman walked from Smallville all the way to the secret location of the Batcave.

He couldn't wait to see their little Bat-boy faces when he told them he knew where their Daddy was!

Somewhere in-between our Universe and the post-DC Comics Relaunch Universe of SUPERBOY BIG GULP:

DARKSEID, dreaded Dark Lord of Apokolips, apologizes to Tumblrs in our universe for interrupting last night's SHERManifestation.  Mysteriously, an advance copy of his first book, A Darkseid Little Christmas, arrives at SUPERHERO HAPPY MEAL this morning via Parademon Courrier.

In the post-DC Comics Relaunch Universe of SUPERBOY BIG GULP:

Unlike GREEN LANTERN, AQUAMAN was just happy to finally be an active part of the DC Universe once again.   [Art via]

Well actually, only a part of him was an active part of the DC Universe again.  But whatever, he thought, it's cool.

And it was.  The Aquahand / Green Lantern: Star Pervert crossover event, maybe not so much.

In the post-DC Comics Relaunch Universe of SUPERBOY BIG GULP:

HAL JORDAN, formerly the proud GREEN LANTERN of Sector 2814, also learned a valuable lesson:

Hal couldn't even jerk off in his own living room without the incident ending up on the cover of one of new DC's Green Lantern titles.  [Art via].

He knew Ollie was hoping to relive their 1960's Glory Days, back when they were both "Hard-Traveling Heroes," but come on!

That was a whole different kinda 'hard', and Ollie knew it.

In the post-DC Comics Relaunch universe of SUPERBOY BIG GULP:

And so he did. Defeating Batman became The PENGUIN'S first best-seller. Thanks to his new marketing plan -- and some sage advice from William Faulkner that he took to heart, literally -- Oswald Cobblepot climbed The New York Times Best-Seller list. [Art via]

His books might not be selling well at home, he thought.  But their sales in the MARVEL UNIVERSE were going through the roof!

In the post-DC Comics Relaunch universe of SUPERBOY BIG GULP:

The PENGUIN's first attempt at publishing didn't fly with the local critics, and worse, there just wasn't a demand for the material. Not being one to let anybody ruffle his feathers, Oswald Cobblepot decided to find other markets where he could unload his literature to an appreciative audience.  [Art via]

We predicted just before 3am Sunday morning that Selina Kyle would be smiling after the big DC Comics Relaunch in September -- and we predicted right!

Guillem March provides the cover candy for Catwoman Issue #1, shipping from DC Comics in September, 2011, and damn if it ain't fine. We like it, and hope March does, too.

As he writes on his blog, March was the solicited artist for Batman and Robin Issues #23 and #24, but was pulled off the project in late May for another one after completing just 10 pages of art.  He doesn't say what the project was/is, but now it appears the secret is out.

Artist James Ingram provides the cover art for Mark Waid and Alex Ross's follow-up to their 1996 Elseworlds series, Kingdom Come.

Or not. Captain Carrot still rules!! [Art via]

There's an all-new Oswald Cobblepot coming to Arkham City.

The newly-updated Penguin appears on the cover of the latest issue of Playstation Magazine. He's one of Batman's most well-known Rogues, but he's also undergone plenty of changes for Rocksteady Studios upcoming video game, Batman: Arkham City.

According to Rocksteady's spokesperson Dax Ginn, The Penguin's going to be a "nastier piece of work" in the Batman: Arkham Asylum sequel. But the biggest and potentially most controversial difference will be the re-imagining of The Penguin as a cockney geezer, complete with a brash London accent.

Batman: Arkham City is scheduled to be released worldwide for PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and MS Windows the week of October 18, 2011.

It's been exactly one year since Terry McGinnis - aka BATMAN BEYOND - made his official debut as a bona-fide member of the DC Multiverse in Superman/Batman Annual #4 (2010), in which -- keeping true to the series' name -- he also enjoyed his first team-up with an older Clark Kent.

Terry's been enjoying sweet success since that comeback, first in a six-issue limited series, and later in his current monthly ongoing that followed on its heels. And while even Batman Beyond prefers to be a solo act, DC's making sure that he won't be alone much longer.

Grey-templed Kal-El gets called back to service when Superman Beyond #1 drops in August. Written by Tom DeFalco and illustrated by Ron Frenz and Sal Buscema with Batgirl cover artist Dustin Nguyen doing the same for Supes, the issue promises to pit the Elder Man of Steel against his most powerful foe yet.

Old age is supposed to pose our protagonist a problem, too, but probably not too much. For while Superman Beyond is only slated as a One-Shot, DC's likely just testing the waters before moving ahead with an ongoing.  Considering they've also said a third Beyond book -- this one starring the Justice League of the Future -- is also in ours, we'd say Superman's future looks rosey indeed.

COMICS LOOK HOT IN AUGUST:

Almost poetically, Felipe Massafera returns to the Justice Society of America and provides the regular cover art for the team's 50th issue.

Justice Society of America Issue #50. Variant cover art by Darwyn Cooke (DC Comics, April 2011).

The Avengers, from the cover of Cine Premiere Magazine [via]

 From The Legion of Doom [art by Luciano Vecchio] to the Legion of Super-Heroes [cover of Legion of Super-Heroes #12 by Yildiray Cinar]!

The Legion of Super-Heroes swears their loyalty to the Lord of Apokolips in The Great Darkness Saga, perhaps the greatest, bleakest Legion story of them all.

Written by Paul Levitz and illustrated by Keith Giffen, Saga's 5-issue story-arc was originally published in 1982, and like the Legion itself, stands the test of time. The tale was recently collected into a Deluxe Edition by DC Comics -- and while those DE's can carry a hefty price tag,  Legion lovers can find some great deals HERE.