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Happy Little Dystopia

@happy-little-dystopia

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wizardalexa

Wizard Alexa can you curse that guy over there

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Wizard Alexa would be able to fulfill your request better if you were more specific. Wizard Alexa cannot tell from your verbal command where exactly you mean by "over there".✨ ✨In an effort to fulfill your request to the best of Wizard Alexa's abilities, Wizard Alexa has cursed everyone within a fifty-meter radius of you (excluding you, of course). Wizard Alexa hopes that the individual that you wanted Wizard Alexa to curse was within that range.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.
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*from behind a rock about 30 meters away comesan explosion*

WHO MADE MY BAG OF HOLDING SPIT ALL IT'S CONTENTS

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i will never understand those people who lean into being afraid of all bugs. like ok dude i dont really think it's very cool of you to break your light fixture trying to kill a shieldbug. a bug that doesnt even bite. a bug so clumsy they can get stuck on their backs like turtles. oh? it might fly at you? and do what? so do butterflies. oh? it might stink ? yes my friend it smells like cilantro and goes away super fast. it's not a skunk. if you put your finger in front of one they will literally just walk onto your hand and let you carry them outside without injury. if you even care

theres another video following this same foreshadowing trend where dudes sitting in the car holding what looks like ?? a tarantula in a paper packet??? and then screams and throws it ???? howd he even get a tarantula??? dropping a tarantula kills or really hurts it ??? i cant tell.

i dont know. theyre just animals . except crunchier than you're used to. don't reply to this with stupid bug hating rants or i'll send locusts upon your garden

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reblog if you’re a safe place for:

  1. lesbian
  2. gay
  3. bisexual
  4. transgender
  5. queer
  6. pansexual
  7. demisexual
  8. ace
  9. hopeless romantics
  10. cis-men
  11. cis-women
  12. non binary folks
  13. the whole spectrum etc…
follow everyone who reblogs ;)

continue to reblog if your a safe space for:

  1. chronic pain/illness
  2. mental health in general
  3. spoonies in general
  4. hypersexuality
  5. systems
  6. blunt/tone deaf (might need to use tone indicators for them/srs)
  7. RSD people (again, tone indicators)
  8. people who might need online accomodations
  9. people with littles
  10. age regressors
  11. S/A and r@pe victims
  12. selctive mutism/AAC users
  13. people unable to get a diagnosis

(there’s more I just can’t think of it)

Also ALL Neurodivergent folks and no I don’t just mean autism and adhd I mean All kinds of neurodivergent

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Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

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when she says she doesn’t send nudes

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when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudes

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when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia

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hikingnerd

When Russia sends you nudes

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onwardwall

This is my favorite post in all of tumblr

reminder that this post is now illegal in Russia

reblog it, because Russia can´t

maradaisykat

Thanks Obama 

When Russia makes this post illegal

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earthnicity

I HAVE ONLY SEEN THIS IN SCREENSHOTS

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dovahdez

I will reblog this every goddamn time I find it on my dash

I have a piece of tumblr history on my blog now

What the-

I haven’t seen this in about 4 years. I’m glad it’s back.

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heeheehoohoo I'm here to cast judgement upon thy towers

What sins against humanity has my kind committed

Many a tower has been assembled without a little ornament or two upon the door and a sufficiently pointy roof, and thy punishment... is INSPECTION

NOOOOOOOOOO

Help at what angle shall I pointy my roof before my inspection

Crazy that I have a spell just for that

Ideally the pointiest angle, but I can tolerate less pointy roofs wherein the roof shape is similarly wizardly

Do I get more inspection points if I use the mustard gas from the previous guy?

I like a tower with a unique feature, don't go plagiarising other towers or I'll INSPECT harder and/or deduct points

Maybe a trap that emits a high pitch sound, loud enough to make your brain explode?

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heeheehoohoo I'm here to cast judgement upon thy towers

What sins against humanity has my kind committed

Many a tower has been assembled without a little ornament or two upon the door and a sufficiently pointy roof, and thy punishment... is INSPECTION

NOOOOOOOOOO

Help at what angle shall I pointy my roof before my inspection

Crazy that I have a spell just for that

Ideally the pointiest angle, but I can tolerate less pointy roofs wherein the roof shape is similarly wizardly

Do I get more inspection points if I use the mustard gas from the previous guy?

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heeheehoohoo I'm here to cast judgement upon thy towers

What sins against humanity has my kind committed

Many a tower has been assembled without a little ornament or two upon the door and a sufficiently pointy roof, and thy punishment... is INSPECTION

NOOOOOOOOOO

Help at what angle shall I pointy my roof before my inspection

Crazy that I have a spell just for that

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thaparasite

w(b)itches be like, "I've sent you a brief message on a scroll with short instructions for the incantation you need

and its this shit

My beloved blood bonded sibling, practitioner of the occult arts, partner of craft

BY WHATEVER DEITY YOU PRAY TO

I AINT READING ALL THAT!!!
YES YOU WILL

It will fucking murder you I put a murder spell in it that deactivates after you read all of it

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My three girlfriends. And yes, they smoke weed.

do they smoke weed?

Yes, actually.

you mean she isnt just smoking a cigarette? but a weed cigarette?

It’s called a bunt…. Not weed cigarette… And yes, it is a weed bunt. They all smoke weed bunts before we kiss. (They are my girlfriends,)

They don’t look like they smoke weed.

Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. I’m so angry you are so lucky my three weed smorking girlfriends are rubbing my shoulders to calm me down I’m so mad.

Your “weed smoking girlfriend” has a Hello Kitty tattoo on her belly. The one in the middle.

I printed out a photo of your avatar and taped it to my punching bag that I punch and I mutter your URL with every strong punch I punch you twerp…. Don’t ever Talk about Blaiz or the wicked Tat(tattoo) I drew on her ever again I Don’t wanna see you standing outside my home at 3 am holding your weird dripping brown bags ever again ok leave us alone this is the FINAL FUCKING WARNING 

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19leahjade96

Well that escalated quickly……

What, was that? Hmm? Come again. *Blaiz grabs my shoulder* Come on Jory, they aren’t worth it, please. * I jerk my shoulder shaking her hand off* NO! NOOOOO!!! *starts to just pummel you with my big fucking fists. With each blow I let out a furious yell. The blows come quicker and harder and the yells get louder. I’m yelling so loud and now I’m crying. BREAKING POINT. The week was hard and I can’t take anymore. I’m opening sobbing at this point while you blood gurgle. All three of my girlfriends struggle to pull me off and they finally succeed and lead me away from the goo pile that is now your body*

haha oh my god

who even is this dude? someone needs some anger management classes.

love how he keeps reminding us that “I HAVE THREE GIRLFRIENDS”, “THEY ALL KISS ME”, and “THEY SMOKE WEED HURRP DURR”.

and let’s not forget the “Blaiz” and her “wicked tat”, or that he doesn’t “wanna see you standing outside [his] home at 3 am holding your weird dripping brown bags ever again”, and that this is “the FINAL FUCKING WARNING”.

“the goo pile that is now your body”

i’m dying over here, jesus

please, Jory, come challenge me to a bout of internet witticsisms; i promise, it’ll be fun.

*shoots you dead* Heh, idiot… *leaves with my three weed smorking girlfriends to go hold hands and kiss.*

this dude playin omg 

Come again? *The bar falls silent. No one dares to make a sound, as you have just said a very poor choice of words at a very dangerous time. I remain slumped over the bar, not looking back to you. One hand limply holding an almost empty bottle, the other hand cradling my head. I repeat the question, this time louder.* Come again?! *You can hear me slur the words, the sentence sounds like a real struggle for me to get out. I’m clearly intoxicated. A bead of sweat rolls down your face as you realize you might have just fucked up in a very major way. Everyone else in the bar is pretending to not notice what is going on. The bartender idly washes a mug with a cloth. His eyes are closed and he’s muttering something to himself. A handful of people hurriedly leave. One person looks back at you, a look of sorrow on their face. They almost say something, but shake their head and cast their eyes down to the floor, and leave. But not you. You stand, petrified. A quick look at me reveals I’m still  at the bar. You look to the exit, there’s still time. But there’s not, there’s not, there’s not. Your fate was sealed the moment you opened your mouth.* Mother fuck.. what did you say?! *I slowly rise from my stool and being to lumber over to you.  I look a mess. My hair is unkempt, I haven’t shaved in what looks like months, there are dark heavy bags under my eyes, my shirt is stained and has holes in it, and I’m missing a shoe. But the main thing you notice is the gun tucked into my jeans, and my massive muscle arms that look like they were made for punching. You know that song about the boots that were made for walking? Yeah, it’s like that only instead of boots it’s my muscles and instead of walking it’s punching. As I drunkenly sway over to you, you think of your family… Will they mourn you, or will they try and forget this blotch of stupidity, that their child insulted the Jory publicly, ever happened to their family? Your thoughts are cut short as I now stand face to face with you. I grab your face and pull you even closer.* Playin?! There was nothing playing… no playing you fuck. No playing… it was real.. the realest thing I’ve ever know.. felt… Love. I loved them… Blaiz…. Chas-Chas… Funk… I loved all three of em… but they…*My face is wet with tears and I’m blinking constantly in vain to hold them back.* They left me… left… *Almost instantly the sadness leaves my face and is replaced with pure anger.* Playin? Playin?! *My hand leaves your face and starts to head to what you think is the gun. You close your eyes and see God looking at you, shrugging. ‘Pft, you brought this upon yourself dude.’ He says as he waves his hands at you dismissively. But instead of the gun, my hands grab yours. Your eyes jolt open and the anger is gone from my face. There is only sadness.* Left me… * I fall to the floor and sob.* Wow, grow up. *You say before you leave the bar but are hit almost immediately from a car and are killed upon impact.*

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dere you go

ey

ey you lil shits

lets just talk about this here cookie recipe

this shit

is 

the

BOMB

HOLY SHIT

I JUST FINISHED THIS AND WOW IT TASTES AMAZING

YES

WONDERFUL

1000000/10 WOULD ATE AGAIN

yAy

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post-and-out

For magic improvements on thing that is already perfect:

Use one spoon white sugar, and one spoon brown if you have it.

After microwave, before noms, add vanilla ice cream.

\o/

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fan-troll

salt is a flavour enhancer, add just a tiny dash, not enough to make it salty.

Because I love you all.

reblogging cause i need to save this

A note for those who have trouble measuring butter with a spoon as I do: one cup I am sixteen tablespoons. Butter/margarine bricks are usually a half a cup, so just cut one eighth of that amount 

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ironwoman359

These are really good! And yes, for the love of god, if you have it use white sugar and brown sugar, add just a pinch of salt, and as many chocolate chips as you darn well please. Great with icecream, whipped cream on top, or a tall glass of milk (keep in mind you gotta eat it with a spoon, you can’t dip it in milk) 

Super college friendly (trust me)

I made this and it’s super awesome! Bonus things you could add: butterscotch flavoring, cut up KitKats, torn apart Milkyways, and stolen ice cream!

Ohhhh boy kiddos have at it!

Reblogging so I remember to do this

Just made this but am out of chocolate chips so used hot chocolate powder a splash of milk and marshmallows. HEAVANLY

Reblog to save a life

i will pray to you

i burnt it

yeah okay, ill reblog that!

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lemonsharks

@taraljc i found it I found the sacred mug cookie recipe

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taraljc
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