On Thanksgiving, I witnessed something I think was one of the best parenting moments I’ve ever seen.
I’ve been adopted by my coteacher’s family, and since I have no family around where I live for the holidays, she invites me to her house. I go to birthday parties, soccer games, family events, the whole deal.
Her young son (he just turned 5) was swinging around a toy on a string in circles. She asked him quite a few times to stop because he was too close to people and it could hurt them, but he still continued to do so. While he was swinging it, it smacked her pretty hard in the leg, hard enough to leave a bruise later.
Right away, her husband ordered him to apologize, and with a rather less than sincere voice, he said “sorry.”
She looked at him dead straight and said, “I don’t accept your apology.”
The kid was floored. He just stood there and didn’t know what to do. Her husband asked her why she said that, and she said, “He’s not sorry. He doesn’t know what he did wrong or how to fix it. He just said it because you told him to. So, no, I don’t accept his apology.”
After a few seconds, she walked away. The kid just stood there, confused and not knowing what to do. So, we at the family dinner table, walked him through what happened.
“She asked you to stop so no one would get hurt, and you didn’t listen. And now, someone got hurt.”
“Do you think saying sorry made it stop hurting?”
“Do you feel bad about it?”
“What can we do to fix it?”
And he agreed he should stop swinging around the toy and went to a different room so no one would get hurt. No more forced apology. Just action.
Eventually, about an hour later, he offered a sincere apology to his mom and gave her a hug. Only then did she accept his apology and told him why. Not because he said he was sorry, but because he stopped once he realized what he was doing did hurt someone, and he went on to fix the problem.
So many parents force their kids to apologize, and she’s told me time and time again it always makes her feel uncomfortable because usually the kid doesn’t regret their actions or want to apologize. Parenting isn’t always pretty words and being gentle. Sometimes you have to prepare them for real-life situations, and unconditionally accepting or being understanding of their actions isn’t always the best way to go.
Not only is this teaching him how to genuinely apologize for his behavior and do better, but it also makes him realize words are just words until action is taken. That’s the only way things get fixed.
Is there gray area? Absolutely. Is this always going to work? Absolutely not. But, is it a step in the right direction to teaching children how to genuinely apologize? Most definitely.
