The earth was covered in shrapnel, and so was her heart. The moon where they crashed was deserted and silent, motionless but for thin streaks of grey smoke still swirling up from the venator’s remains. And in front of it was a graveyard.
Soldiers at war never get the privilege of being buried. They are left where they died, nobly or not, it doesn’t matter. They get eaten by wild animals and birds peck at their mindless eyes, they rot into the dirt, into the water, into the sand, until nothing but the bones remains. They freeze inside of their armour or steam alive, depending on where they died. Some get burned by kind natives, some are left naked by thieves, some are forgotten forever. And almost none get to know the comfort of the endless sleep under the gentle weight of the earth. It doesn’t cradle them, it doesn’t protect them, instead, it eats them, slowly but persistently.
Ahsoka had always thought that this was unfair. That all of her good friends who died not by being exploded into a billion tiny bits deserved a quiet end. Jedi were almost always cremated, for Jedi lives and legacy was valued. Despite them being ten thousand, they were still rare, compared to the clones, whose numbers counted millions upon millions. Clones weren’t valued, not by most, and their brave sacrifice wasn’t even deemed necessary to appreciate by the Republic. But while senators made snarky remarks about these men being created for the sole purpose of dying, each and every death tore a piece out of every padawan’s heart. When your friend dies, you don’t care much if he’s a Jedi, a clone or a senator. At that moment, when life leaves his body, when with his last whisper he lets out a hopeless “I’m sorry,” nothing like that even races through your agony-embraced mind.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
The senators’ words make perfect sense, you think afterwards. But in the midst of battle, during those short seconds when you actually get to see your friend off, and not just feel his breathless body fall at your feet, they seem absurd.
It doesn’t matter now. The senators turned out to be more right than they could ever have imagined. In the end, the clones die. Not nobly, not bravely, not even sanely. They just die. And the Jedi die with them.
This time, she decided, she’d give her friends what she couldn’t to the others. This time the senators can be screwed, for they will never be here. They never have been. They aren’t here now.
You find every single body. Every single broken, dead body with your face on their dirty helms. You haven’t even noticed it while they were trying to kill you. You do now. You know that the memory of your own face hunting you down, lying dead and beaten and betrayed at your feet, will haunt you forever.
You bury every single clone. You take each helm off and gaze shortly into the identical faces. There is nothing but numbness on them, and nothing but bloody bruises in your heart. It’s sliced to pieces. It bleeds all the blood these troopers don’t.
You put all the helms above every grave. You dig into the cold dead earth, trying to bury your grief with your friends, but it won’t go. The grief is to stay forever, as well as loss.
You’re suddenly happy for all the clones who died before this day. At least they thought they died for a noble cause. At least they could think of something while dying.
Then, you say goodbye.
Goodbye to your past
Goodbye to happiness
Goodbye to freedom
Goodbye to the clones, to the Jedi, to war, to victory, to love and to friendship
Goodbye to your war-scarred childhood
You leave a part of yourself with the clones too. You leave them your lightsabers. You don’t want them anyway, and with them a part of you shall also know their peace.