I've never had something that was intricately part of my life, that I did for pleasure and brought me happiness instantly turn I to a trigger for me overnight. Is this an extreme reaction? Yes, and I know my mental illness is partially to blame. But I have been managing my illness and has gone almost two and a half years with almost zero symptoms. But this, this triggered a full blown spiral into anxiety and panic. I feel foolish, and every moment of pleasure I got from this show feels wrong and dirty now. I feel deceived, betrayed. Every post I've liked, every new person I've followed, every artist I followed to twitter, every post I've made, everything I've drawn, all the merch I've bought, every video I've made for my new YouTube channel, every discord I joined, every fic I've read, every new follower I've gained, every new cosplay I've made in the last 6 months has been voltron. I spent two months building Paladin armor. I posted my first art to get any attention in years. I finally got up the motivation to actually make videos like I have been planning for years. And I can't even look at any of it. I can't be happy to see new notes from the wonderful people who are still liking and reblogging my things. I can't go talk to the first people I've started to get to know over the internet in years. Tumblr and Google and YouTube keep recommending Voltron things and making my anxiety spike. I was going to do a reaction video, it was supposed to be funny. I have over an hour of footage. I can't watch it. What do I do delete it? I can't go on Instagram because I follow Bex, I'm too scared they'll post something related. I want to be a fan of the VA's but I can't even think about them. Flashes of the show will pop in my head and literally trigger panic. I can feel the adrenalin pumping out of my heart and through my body. I feel physically ill. I haven't slept properly in days. I'm not hungry. I had to be sent home early from work. I'm ashamed and frightened that this has that kind of power over me. I've tried to find comfort in old fandoms but simple things like love confessions, dates, weddings make me feel uneasy. I want to stay a part of fandom, to create but I can't. I have to cut myself off completely for my own mental health. I can't look at my dashboard, my Twitter, I have to be careful how far down I go in my own likes. I've barely opened my computer.....I just stare at the tabs I have open to do with Voltron. I have a bunch of songs in Voltron playlists I probably won't be able to listen to for awhile. I feel like Ive been traumatized, I'm literally afraid to watch any new western shows like Dragon Prince or She Ra because I need to protect myself from getting hurt like this again. It is so...so frightening to have an attack like this when you are mentally ill, when you feel like all the progress you have could be undone in a moment? When you remember why you have been so afraid to follow ambitions? This was worse that I could have possibly imagined. Maybe in a few days, weeks, months I'll be okay enough to add to the fandom more, if I even want to. Voltron is effectively dead to me,and its not just because I'm petty, or whatever other thing people want to say to invalidate my reaction. I can't even go into specifics in this post I'm too afraid of triggering myself! It was just a show but it really really hurt me and a lot of vulnerable people out there like me.
