@greenberetgirl / greenberetgirl.tumblr.com
Please, I must know what a "shakespeare themed bathroom" looks like
it looks fucking awesome that’s what it looks like
Excuse me, what the fuck? And where do I find this shit, because now my life is incomplete.
Not a real doctor | www.metzgercartoons.com
Never talk to me or my 42 trees again
Life goals.
so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
silence.
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
silence.
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”
“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
maybe you MILLENIALS would be able to afford a house if you stopped spending your money at your local diner’s jukebox buying twenty one (21) plays of what’s new pussycat with one (1) play of it’s not unusual in the middle
Beware the comma
Universal constant: Kirk leans stage right in the chair when he’s being a dick. Apparently the gradient of the lean is proportionate to the level of dickishness.
I like to think that this is a tell the bridge crew starts to recognize—Kirk thinks he’s so smooth but he doesn’t realize they can read him like he’s a Subaru due for a realignment.
“Careful today, guys; he’s practically planking across the armrests.”
“I’M ESPECIALLY GOOD AT PRECIPITATING”
“MY WHAT AN EYE THAT GASTON”
when i was a breeze i blew four dozen trees every morning to strengthen my gales and now that i’m grown i just raze them with ease, so i’m seven times bigger than wales!
Just gonna leave this here…
one time my friends and i got bubble tea and my one friend didn’t know abt the tapioca pearls and he took a sip and then opened his mouth and let like 9 of them roll out of his mouth and onto the floor and then whispered “what the fuck”
I can’t stop thinking about the wisecrack carrie fisher would make about debbie reynolds dying a day after her: the joke about her family, always bringing the drama, the ‘she couldn’t stand to let me have all the attention even when I had just died. I want you all to remember that I did it first.’
I like to imagine her in the afterlife adding material to her stand up: ‘I’m really disappointed to be here tonight, I was hoping I’d get to haunt george lucas for that metal bikini.’ ‘do you know how long the line for this place is? I flipped off nancy reagan and fidel castro on the way in. ’ ‘when I said dear lord please don’t let me live to see that orange buffoon be president I should have been a helluva lot more specific.’
playing to a sold out audience, her mother in the front row. bowie and rickman at a table in the back.
“All those people on Twitter saying ‘no parent should have to bury their child,’ and what does she do? She goes ‘damn right I shouldn’t’ and kicks it the very next day.”
Lin-Manuel Miranda said in an interview that he wrote the song “You’re Welcome” for Maui once he knew the character would be voiced by Dwayne the rock Johnson because he thought that Dwayne the rock Johnson would be the one person on earth who could sing something so egotistical and have us completely convinced we should be thanking him and honestly he’s not wrong.
This just further proves my theory that he added in the “Maui can do everything but float” line knowing that people will be making the pun about “the reason floating is the only thing Maui can’t do is because he’s The Rock”.
wow what a worthwhile thing i did
This is the only worthwhile critical response to Duchess of Malfi I have ever made. This gif >>>>>> my thesis.
@lemonsharks diggy diggy!!!!!
Today one of my students threw a stuffed animal across the room and it landed directly in a plate filled with paint
And I had it narrowed down to a few kids but no one would confess so I made them all put their toys away and have five minutes of quiet time to Reflect on Their Behavior
During that five minutes of relative silence, this group of three year olds INVENTED A NEW CLASSMATE, named him, and unanimously blamed him for throwing the toy across the room
There was not a single weak link, they were all ride or die
Unreal
