Two words...

Me, too. Those two little words have been swirling around my head for the past week...

The first post I read was on Instagram, and despite the pangs of sadness and anger, the overwhelming feeling was one of collective empathy - painful as it might be, we are in this together - no woman is alone in her experience of sexual assault, abuse or harassment.

The problem of course is that so many of us carry these things alone. Out of fear, or shame, or the lack of words and/or appropriate support... We carry these heavy burdens that truly belong to someone else.

Never in a million years did I think I would ever share my experiences publicly... Yet seeing the collective power of women bravely telling their stories, I suddenly felt compelled to be a part of this. But as I began to think it through, the reality of my Instagram audience sunk in and the old shame gremlins of the past started to sneak up on me. I couldn’t share my most personal, deep, dark secrets with everyone I work with... With the people I look up to the most; with the friends I’ve known since school who never knew the truth behind the ways in which I fell apart. I started to doubt myself; I felt guilty that I couldn’t bring myself to add my voice to something I believe is really important.

And so I came here to write a post. Here where I ironically have 30 times the followers (not that numbers matter), yet in terms of people I see day to day, I’m pretty well anonymous. And there’s a certain safety in that. I analysed and criticised that choice - if I could only be honest in a place I’m anonymous, what was the point? The point is women need to feel safe to tell their stories. Whereever that takes place; however that takes place. I was reminded of this Brene Brown quote...

“My story is reserved for the people in my life who’ve earned the right to hear it.”

And that will mean different things for different people. The details of my experiences are something that I choose to keep private and probably always will. For someone else, it may be incredibly freeing to share more openly. The power lies in making that choice for ourselves. And this is where I believe the Me Too campaign is positive and important; it’s giving women a platform to speak about experiences that previously were hidden in the shadows. Bringing the dark into the light is never easy; I know for many people reading these posts may be painful and confronting - it has been for me. But I also believe it offers the opportunity for healing and connection; to begin change and find freedom.

To everyone who has shared their experience of sexual violence or harassment (in any way), I honour you and my heart goes out to you for what you’ve been through. And to anyone who has felt unable or has chosen not to share, you also have my love, light and respect, I hope you know it’s perfectly ok to choose not to share whatever you may have been through. We are all in this life together, be kind.

Love and light,

Sar

“Rolling and unrolling, uncoiling running free...”

Looking back at my life this time last year, I barely recognise myself... I have changed and grown and my life has evolved in ways I never imagined... I am filled with gratitude for where the universe has taken me.

And proud of my own hard work!!! And that’s what it mostly comes down to - working my ass off and never giving up!!! Learning to put myself first; walking away from things that no longer serve me; sitting with uncertainty; trusting the path even if it’s still being paved.

I’ve gained and lost so many things... most of which can’t be measured in kilograms...

I’ve lost my fear of being alone...

I’ve gained confidence and self-belief...

I’ve lost people who held a negative space in my life...

I’ve gained respect, recognition and a sense of being valued...

I’ve lost most of the shame that has overshadowed my life for so long...

I’ve gained dreams and goals and ambition to go after what I really want...

I’ve lost my fear of speaking my mind and disappointing people...

I’ve gained health, happiness and contentment...

I’ve gained freedom...

I’ve gained friends I love with all of my heart...

I’ve lost my attachment to my Eating Disorder...

I’ve gained my life back.

And yes, I have gained weight. But aside from it being necessary for my wellbeing, it’s an inconsequential fact... There’s no fear or shame or discomfort, but nor is there any real need to focus on it. I can say without hesitation that I’ve gained around 20kg and I am to a degree proud of that because of the battle this has been... But on the other hand, it pales in comparison to all the other things I’ve gained in my life.

And I continue to change and grow and where I once would have feared this I now just roll with it... I am going for a role that will mean moving my whole life... Again. But you know what? BRING IT!!! I am so excited... About EVERYTHING in my life. Life is amazing, and SO SO SO worth fighting for. Nothing lasts forever, so if you’re going through darkness just keep going - there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and it never goes out. You just have to believe that because you won’t always see it until you get there.

Love and light xx 

Today...

Is my least favourite day of the entire year. A jumble of thoughts and memories and things I’d rather forget. Every year I convince myself it will be different... But every year it passes, with sleepless nights, anxious texts, flashbacks, and tears that cascade down my cheeks like waterfalls, alone. Every year, my only wish is that next year will be different.

And maybe it is. Maybe it’s not without all of these things I dread and wish with all of my heart to never feel again... But some things have indeed changed...

It’s not been an easy month... I’ve never been so busy in my life or been so confident in where I am - and where I’m going - at work. Although it comes with uncertainty, and frustrations and ups and downs... It’s burnt me out a bit, but at the same time is the most positive thing in my life. I’ve realised that no-one is ever really how they seem... That 6 year old who decided she was all alone in the world and needed to learn to depend on no-one but herself was right all along. I still have more work to do than I thought. I am terrified I’ll be alone forever, always too much for anyone... and there’s things I still carry that make me feel this way. I need to set them down where they belong once and for all, firmly in the past.

But throughout all this, I haven’t self-destructed. I haven’t stopped eating; I haven’t lost weight; I haven’t wanted anything but the freedom to keep moving on and living and loving my life. And I’m having to accept that means losing some things... Letting go of people I never wanted to leave... Taking leaps I’m not sure I’m brave enough to take. But the only thing scarier would be to remain in the same place... I’m not where I was a year ago, or 2, or 3, or 4... But I’m not prepared to stay here either. As someone wise once told me...

ACTION CONQUERS FEAR

I know I don’t post on here often anymore, mostly because I’ve been insanely busy and doing pretty well. But I’m not kidding when I say this outlet has saved my life and I value every single person I’ve connected with through it, even if you’re just reading this and we’ve never spoken.

So tell me, what are your fears and what are you going to do to conquer them?

Love and light xxx

Come alive...

This has probably been the busiest week of my life... And I’ve never felt so alive. I’ve pushed myself to the absolute limit physically and mentally... But out of passion, not punishment. I’ve been told so many times how well I look, and instead of retorting in my head with nonsense of being fat or too big, I just smile, because I FEEL well... I feel energised and confident and in control. Control of my life - not micro-facets of it. Find what you love and go do it. Passion is contagious... So much so even your negativity will eventually be persuaded.

“Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Howard Thurman

Sunday ramblings...

Today I caught up with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time, which was SO nice for so many reasons… But the one thing I couldn’t stop thinking afterwards was, “Shit I talk a lot!!!” Which really isn’t anything new. As I thought about it more, what I realised is that what has changed - at least by comparison to the past few years - is that I have so much energy, and I’m so passionate about EVERYTHING!!! Whether it’s talking about my own life or responding to someone else. And it’s a good feeling. It's in distinct contrast to not so long ago when my conversations revolved around such a narrow range of topics. Just, you know, keep in mind if we ever meet you’ll probably want to tell me to shut up haha!

Hope everyone else had an AMAZING Sunday!!! xxx

Trigger Warning

Perspective...

So I’ve spent most of the past 48hrs in bed, sick with the flu, cold, aching, shaking, unable to stand without the room spinning....

And all I can think of is that this is exactly how I felt during the worst periods of my Eating Disorder... And more so HOW THE FUCK DID I FUNCTION??? 

But mostly, thank goodness that period of my life is over and I sure as hell hope I don’t feel this ill too much longer or ever again.

Change...

You could never say Eating Disorders are about any one thing, but one factor that I think is commonly overlooked is the role which change plays. 

For many people, the first thing that comes to mind when I say change, is fear. Fear of the unknown; fear of losing safety; fear of it all being too much. And these are real fears and they can play a huge part in driving Eating Disorders. But that’s not what I want to talk about...

Eating Disorders also have a way of harnessing not just the fear of change, but the desire for it. That want of transformation. The wish for a different life. That desperation to make certain things disappear from your life altogether. These are changes that can seem incredibly difficult - in some cases actually impossible. And so the idea of changing your self becomes appealing. Visible, measurable, tangible... You suddenly see the power of your actions. And lets remember, it doesn’t seem so destructive at first. Power is seductive and addictive; like a magician, you get high on the transformation happening before your very eyes. Eating Disorders undeniably change your life, but in a destructive and damaging way. The iniitial power and control is short-lived and you become consumed.

Eating Disorders seem to present change that is visible and measurable, but aside from the the fact it’s in a dangerous and destructive form, the main problem is that it doesn’t address any of the parts of your life you really want (and possibly need) to change. And so you become stuck in this situation until you realise that the real power lies in recovery and healing... Change on a grand scale, that is scary and is hard... But my gosh is it worth it. You don’t just change a number or how things appear, you change every aspect of your entire life. For the better.

I could write endlessly about how my life has changed in the last 6 months, year, 2 years, 10 years... The fact is it’s been changing forever and it always will be. And I embrace it. Wholeheartedly, the good, the bad, the ugly - I trust it’s all leading me to where I’m meant to be.

I think this is also a part of why I’ve fallen in love with VM (Visual Merchandising). I just worked about 70 hours in 7 days, the last 2 being 13 hour days where I did a re-merch that normally would have been done over 3-4 days. Exhausted is an understatement. But my gosh, I have never been so happy and content. I started the week unsettled, stressing over something that really doesn’t matter... The high I get from completely transforming the store has totally erased that. Being set a really massive job in a very challenging timeframe, and to totally nail it - I can’t even describe the feeling. This is LIVING and this is what happens when you work your butt off to change what you need to change; to let go of what isn’t serving you and invite the things you WANT in your life. And you know what else? It’s not about perfection. It’s not about ticking off a list and reaching an end point... I still have a long list of things I’m working on... I’m still growing, recovering, healing, changing... And maybe I always will be. This is LIFE and I’m actively living it.

And I hope you’re doing the same. I may be less present posting, but I am always here.

Love and light xxx

Why do we...

Crucify ourselves. Every. Damn. Day.

This is the toughest week I’ve had in a long time and I’ve really tied myself up into a all of stress over a stupid little thing. But it’s also kinda a big thing, and that’s the problem. And I’ve just amplified it and made a horrible mess of things in the process.

On top of this I’ve ended up horribly sick. Probably in part due to my own stress levels, but I think mostly I’m just run down from months of hard work.

Months of hard work that I will not just throw away. I’m frustrated with myself for getting so wound up in the first place, which isn’t helping. I need to let it go.

The lesson here for me is about balance. So much of my self-worth is tied up in a small number of things... But even if they’re worthwhile things, it leaves you vulnerable. And it also leaves me neglecting important parts of my self and what my soul wants... I love my job, but I’m dying to be more creative again... I miss being a social butterfly... Is it tour time yet? Not every moment needs to be productive. It doesn’t need to be measured to be worthwhile.

I watched the Tori Amos Welcome To Sunny Florida DVD tonight. That version of Crucify... 

“And I’m never going back, no way, on the floor that day, head in my hands, at your feet, this I swear I have crawled my way back, I have crawled my way back I have crawled my way...”

Powerful. And just what I needed. There is no going back.

It never stops. No matter how prepared you are there’s always that thing you don’t see coming... I’ve spent so much energy fighting on every front in my life I feel like I have nothing left, and this tsunami may just wash me out to sea...

This is a gift...

I’ve had the best 4 days... And I’ve worked every single one of them!!! Some people would think that makes me crazy or a workaholic, but I feel nothing but blessed... 

To love what you do so much that it doesn’t feel like work is a gift.

And it’s played a huge part in me reclaiming my health, my life, my self...

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman

It’s also what you need to do when you’re struggling to see the light through the dark. Find what it is you love, and go do it. Stop wasting your precious energy on what you don’t want, and invest it in your passion... Stop feeding the flames of self destruction, and light that inner fire that makes you come alive.

Never. Give. Up

Because good things come to those who work their asses off and NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!

Today, almost 2 years since I had to leave my last position as Store Manager, I was promoted to 2IC. As my Regional Manager sitting next to me, almost in tears, said, “It’s been a hell of a battle.” And she wasn’t just talking about my professional life. Almost in tears myself I told her, “It means so much more than just the position...” “I know...” she said, as she hugged me.

And if you’ve been following this blog for some time, your probably know that too. In the past 2 years I’ve come dangerously close to losing everything, several times. But I didn’t.

I’m reclaiming my mind.

I’m reclaiming my body.

I’m reclaiming my life. 

Piece. By. Piece.

That’s been evident for some time, but today lit it up in neon lights. As Tori said, “I have crawled my way back, I have crawled my way...”

And I’m never going back. No way.

Life is too good to ever leave this place.

Love and light to you all xx

Perspective...

18 months or so ago, when I moved to this store, I was deemed a walking talking OH&S risk. I wasn’t allowed to be in the store alone, wasn’t allowed to climb ladders, wasn’t allowed to run days - pretty much all I could do was sell. Which was kinda ok because, well, I’m kinda not bad at that and that’s what I love most in this job (or so I thought).

I’ve just spent the past 3 days doing the VM (Visual Merchandising) for our entire store. Moving modules that weigh 100′s of Kg’s; climbing ladders carrying shelves taller than I am; deconstructing and reconstructing entire walls; moving literally 1000′s and 1000′s of garments... This is a job normally done by 2 people over 2 days- I did it entirely myself in 3. And I absolutely love it. I have been doing VM alongside my manager for the past few months and it’s uncovered a passion I never realised I had... And apparently am pretty damn good at. And am pretty sure now this is what I want to do, all day every day.

It’s not only good for my happiness, but it’s also been good for my health. I ate more on my break yesterday in 10 minutes than I previously would have in a week. The tiredness I feel now is from working so hard, not from punishing myself. And it’s a contented tired - muscles that ache from being well used, not from eating themselves because I couldn’t feed myself. 

I looked up at the walls in the store last night and realised they not only reflected my creative abilities and business understanding, but also reflected my physical strength and ability to function as a normal and skilled human being.

I’m now LIVING my life...

And I love it.