Just keep your eyes on her horizon...

I'm in such a strange place right now...

Tori was incredible... The shows, everything she said to me, the time spent with my 'family' or posse as we tend to prefer. It was euphoric. It filled me with so much hope and life and peace and for the 1st time in a very long time, amongst all the chaos, I felt like myself. I will write a much more detailed post about all this at some point, but right now, sadly, my head just isn't there.

And it's not just the emotional come-down after such high's, my life has just become awfully complicated and stressful. Work especially. Not the job itself, I love what I do to pieces, but the background politics and it's tearing me apart. Equally, the thought of leaving breaks my heart.

And my body. It's not intentional, I don't even know what I weigh right now and haven't for some time. But contrary to the usual ED perspective, I can actually see myself disappearing.

I'm trying to just get through each day. If I can get through all of this stress to more stable ground I know I can build on the strength Tori and the entire experience gave me. I just have to keep my eyes on that horizon and hope I don't crumble in the process.

"I know I've got some magic buried deep in my heart yeah..."

Sorry for the lack of posts lately...

The good news is I don't have a lung infection or pneumonia... The bad news is I have a fever and am sick, and my ribs are still swollen and sore. This now marks a month I've been physically sick in one way or another and 10 days off work. To tell the truth, it's really started to have an effect on me mentally...

Geneen Roth

Geneen Roth

Florence Welch, Blinding

I have always felt this song speaks so deeply to my experience with Anorexia. I could write an entire essay on it...

The freedom to feel it all..

I think it's really important to recognise that struggle is a part of life. We all go through ups and downs, and rarely does that have anything to do with our strength or willpower or want, most often it's something we resist - no-one wants life to be more difficult than in needs to be - the difficult lesson I have learnt, is that typically these tough times are necessary for our growth.

And the best thing you can do is embrace it. What if there's no such thing as 'negative feelings', what if feelings are just feelings? Sadness, anger, hurt, pain... We all tend to think of these things as bad or negative; we see others feeling this way and say, "Please don't be sad/angry/depressed"... But I'm not sure this is always helpful. Sometimes those emotions are totally appropriate and justified, and the only way you move through them is to allow yourself to feel them. It's such a key part of the healing process, and yet most of it resist it, and without even realising it, we often discourage others from feeling what they truly feel. 

I've always said I try to maintain this blog as a 'positive space'. But gradually I have decided that the most positive thing (for me) is for it to be an authentic space. To be real. To express the darker thoughts I sometimes have; to admit that I too really struggle sometimes; to acknowledge that I don't have all the answers - we're all in this life game learning together. 

I have always tended to be quiet when things are difficult... and of late they have been. Many parts of my life are coming to a crossroads. But I feel maybe it's the calm before the storm; change perhaps is on the horizon, there's just a few thunderclouds brewing alongside it. 

"Maybe if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore."

~ Tori Amos 

Rambling update (Oh my head)...

So whilst my mind and body don't get along so well right now, they do have this kinda tag team system where if I'm not paying attention to one, the other finds one way or another to bring me to a screeching halt to take notice.

Cue migraine's 2 days in a row. Triggered by a fluroscents on the blink in our back room, but underlying stress and the need to slow down undoubtedly made me more susceptible. So that makes 2 days in a row where I've had to leave work early, and barely have been able to look at a computer screen.

But I clearly needed the time out. I too easily slip in to autopilot mode where I keep myself so busy I don't feel anything. And that's great on a short-term, functionality level, but long term it only ever leaves me headed for a monumental car-crash. Things need to change. I am far too stressed at work and it can't continue, it's sucking my passion for a job that I have always loved. I don't really know what my options are... but I think sooner rather than later I need to bite the bullet and find out.

I've also been taking time out (when my head isn't pounding) to delve back in to music, which has always been my greatest source of healing. Learning and relearning to feel all the things I resist. I have been meaning to write more about this... about many things, but for now that will have to wait.

I know I have a number of asks and messages I owe replies to and I am so so sorry I haven't been able to get to them yet. I promise I will catch up in the next few days as my energy levels return (hopefully). Right now my brain function doesn't extend far beyond reblogging, quotes and images!!! When I can even look at a screen. So thankyou for your patience and if you made any sense of this ramble well done!!!

Love and light xxx

Terri St Cloud

Tori Amos

Lessons...

People will hurt you. This is an unavoidable truth. They will betray you, disappoint you, let you down, completely abandon you; people will hurt you in all sorts of ways, many unimaginable. It doesn't matter whether they're friends or family; professional care or colleagues. There's no exceptions, this is the price we pay to experience connection. And it's easy to sit here and think it isn't worth it. To let the flurry of anger and pain and frustration engulf you; to sit here wondering, when is karma gonna hurry and kick your mother-fucking arse. I could sit here shattered and ponder why life is so unfair... I could start to wonder why I'm still here, playing this losing game...

But I chose to ride out this storm. I still feel all of those things; I'm still hurt and alone. But whilst you can hurt me and break me and leave me shattered in a million pieces, you can't take away my ability to put them back together. You can't take away my will to keep trying. You can't stop me from rising again.

Whenever struggle arises, along with it comes that sense of failure; that sinking feeling and that questioning of why... why now, why when things were so much better? Why can't this path be smooth for just a little while? Because the struggle reminds you of your strength. These backwards steps are not setbacks; they are the necessary lessons we need to learn; they are springboards forwards, up and over the obstacles ahead that once seemed impassible.