Hello my lovely,

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been battling this insidious illness and are finding things difficult again *big hugs*

I think the very first thing I would do, is to try to let go of the idea that this is something that’s a part of you. I know it might feel that way, and I don’t want to be invalidating by saying this, but I believe - as many other experts and recovered sufferers do - that Anorexia isn’t a life sentence; you won’t have to keep this at bay forever; and that one day you will find the freedom from this illness, and greater peace, health and happiness in your life.

That idea may seem hard to really believe in right now whilst you’re still in the midst of struggle. I know at a similar age I too believed this was something that I’d just have to live with on some level for the rest of my life. Even in my mid twenties when I began to recover for the second time, I still told myself that there would be a certain point where I’d just have to accept that this was ‘as good as it gets’. But I didn’t define what or when that point would be, I just kept going, and I believe it was this that allowed me to actually reach a place of balance between mind, body and soul that I considered full recovery.

Perhaps the most important thing for you to accept right now is that recovery is a long process, and one you’re still in the midst of. It’s not just about weight restoration and ensuring an adequate intake, it’s also about cultivating a healthy relationship within your self that allows you to nourish your mind, body and soul. And beyond that, addressing and healing any underlying emotional issues that may have contributed to your development of Anorexia. It takes time, and that’s something that will be different for all of us. Be patient with yourself and respect that your journey is uniquely yours.

What helped me the most in the past was to invest as much of my time as I could in ‘living’, and recognising and developing my strengths as a person. Look at the things you’re most passionate about, and the things you’re good at (which may or may not be the same) - make these priorities in your life. Engage yourself in the things that make you feel good. Find the parts of your life that give you the greatest sense of purpose - this might be work, helping around the house, volunteering, advocacy - it could be anything at all, what’s important is that it helps to develop a sense of your own value and worth. For me, all of these things slowly built up my sense of self worth. It took my focus off my body and the things I didn’t like about myself, and sharpened it upon my strengths and interests, and I began to find that there were actually parts of myself I did quite like. Over time this grew into confidence, and this confidence in who I was as a person initially made my feelings about by body and how I looked seem irrelevant, and eventually led to finding a comfort in my self as a whole person.

At the same time, I spent a lot of time digging through the deeper issues that had led me to believe I was worthless etc. That was a process that was partly guided by a Psychologist, and partly an exercise of self-exploration. It will be different for every person, as every set of factors that leads to an ED is completely unique. But it is important that at a point, when you’re ready, you do ask yourself honestly, “Why am I not able to love myself?” “Where do these feelings come from?” Because at their core, rarely is it anything to do with your body or what you eat. 

That deeper healing is something that takes time and cannot be rushed. It’s largely about tapping back in to your own intuition and being guided to what you need at any given moment. For me, it turned out there were things that I wasn’t yet ready to deal with, and that’s led me to where I am now. And that’s ok, this is my journey, and the lesson for me has been to trust the process and that I will get to where I’m meant to be eventually.

I might be wrong, but it sounds to me as though maybe you’re keeping your feelings to yourself, which leads to them being projected through your body? Year 12 can come with a lot of stress and anxiety, it’s really important you’re able to express whatever feelings come up for you - either to a profession, your friends, family, or even through a blog or messages on Tumblr. Please know my Inbox is always open if you need support, and you’re more than welcome to message off anon.

My last suggestion, if you haven’t already seen it, would be to watch Brene Brown’s 2010 TED talk. This is 20 minutes of some of the most powerful speech you’ll ever hear. And her message about worthiness may be just what you need to hear right now.

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”~ Brene Brown

Love and light xxx

Oh darling anon, I feel you so much on this one. It can be SO hard, and it’s something I have struggled with a lot and at times have felt highly hypocritical, and a deep sense of shame that I can have all the answers and insights for others, yet I fail to hold up the same beliefs and make changes in my own life. It leaves you feeling powerless, frustrated and fraudulent.

But we are not alone in feeling this way. It’s a common struggle for many people, and I believe there are two main reasons why:

Firstly, in a word: shame. Many of us would not even recognise that as something we feel, because it’s a word and feeling that typically most of us will do anything to avoid. But when you’re honest with yourself and dig in to how you really feel, and take a look at the issues underlying your struggles, there is almost always a deep sense of shame and without you even realising it, it can be affecting your view of almost everything in your life. In particular, your sense of self-worth. It will often make you feel that you’re less capable; less worthy; not good enough; not smart enough; not pretty enough - too much, but never enough. When this deep sense of shame washes over you, not only do you feel the weight of the world, but you believe that it’s all your fault and these burdens are all yours to bear.

The reason we can look at someone else’s situation, which may be incredibly similar, is that standing outside our own shame spiral, we can look upon their situation with empathy. We will often draw on our own experience to relate and demonstrate that empathy, but as our focus is outwards, upon someone else, and not inwards on our own feelings, we can avoid being blinded by our own emotions, and can view things clearly and objectively.

The most important thing to understand from this, is that empathy is the antidote to shame. To heal your own shame, you need to learn to be able to step outside your own emotions, and offer yourself the same empathy you offer others. You can’t do it when you’re caught in the middle of the storm. The shame gremlins will beat you down, telling you you don’t deserve the same love and care others do. Shame tells you that this pit of misery is where you belong. Whilst the most powerful empathy always comes from yourself, receiving it from others DOES help. Knowing that you’re not alone in this - it’s not a magic cure, but it does help. And when you reach out to others and tell them that it wasn’t their fault, this is your biggest opportunity to open yourself up to receiving the same empathy and support in return, that will slowly help rebuild your sense of worthiness.

Whatever you’ve been through, I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. And I want you to know that one day you will believe that, and you will feel that, and you’ll hand back this burden you’ve been carrying to those it truly belongs to. Although it’s hard to take our own advice, it is possible to change these feelings and to heal, and I believe that for you, and for me, and for the millions of other people out there who’ve suffered hurt they never deserved.

"Shame derives its power from being unspeakable and becomes self-limiting in a sense that it keeps us from building community. It keeps us from asking for help. It keeps us from seeing the sources of our struggle as being a larger issue, not just a personal character flaw.

It starts with, “let me share my story with one person, let me find one person in my life who has a capacity to hear my story and be with me in it.” Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.

That’s what shame needs to grow exponentially. If on the other hand, you’re able to tell your story and own your story with a single person, that is the first step. So I think the first thing is to find someone who can hold space and listen with some compassion to your story.

I think it’s important to note, that the world is not divided up into people that need help and people that give help. We are all people that need help and we are people that have the capacity to give help. No one gets there by themselves. And those who do are not very happy. So the sooner we can let go of the idea that we shouldn’t need help, and support, that is the mind shift that needs to happen.”

~ Brene Brown 

Love and light xxx