Today...
Is my least favourite day of the entire year. A jumble of thoughts and memories and things I’d rather forget. Every year I convince myself it will be different... But every year it passes, with sleepless nights, anxious texts, flashbacks, and tears that cascade down my cheeks like waterfalls, alone. Every year, my only wish is that next year will be different.
And maybe it is. Maybe it’s not without all of these things I dread and wish with all of my heart to never feel again... But some things have indeed changed...
It’s not been an easy month... I’ve never been so busy in my life or been so confident in where I am - and where I’m going - at work. Although it comes with uncertainty, and frustrations and ups and downs... It’s burnt me out a bit, but at the same time is the most positive thing in my life. I’ve realised that no-one is ever really how they seem... That 6 year old who decided she was all alone in the world and needed to learn to depend on no-one but herself was right all along. I still have more work to do than I thought. I am terrified I’ll be alone forever, always too much for anyone... and there’s things I still carry that make me feel this way. I need to set them down where they belong once and for all, firmly in the past.
But throughout all this, I haven’t self-destructed. I haven’t stopped eating; I haven’t lost weight; I haven’t wanted anything but the freedom to keep moving on and living and loving my life. And I’m having to accept that means losing some things... Letting go of people I never wanted to leave... Taking leaps I’m not sure I’m brave enough to take. But the only thing scarier would be to remain in the same place... I’m not where I was a year ago, or 2, or 3, or 4... But I’m not prepared to stay here either. As someone wise once told me...
ACTION CONQUERS FEAR
I know I don’t post on here often anymore, mostly because I’ve been insanely busy and doing pretty well. But I’m not kidding when I say this outlet has saved my life and I value every single person I’ve connected with through it, even if you’re just reading this and we’ve never spoken.
So tell me, what are your fears and what are you going to do to conquer them?
Love and light xxx