The CEO of MakoMart (LLC) was named Trout Jehoshaphat Craven, and he almost deserved it.
Hosting Turf War matches in a supermarket was a rather off-the-wall business decision to begin with, but it payed back dividends in publicity, exposure, and — most importantly — that sweet, sweet slice of the profit pie. Now, the ground-level employees of MakoMart never saw much of said profit, but Trout reasoned to himself that, by virtue of his mere presence as a high-net-worth individual, it would all trickle down to them one way or another.
One evening, he had his most brilliant idea yet: a theme song! Not your standard commercial jingle; MakoMart already had several inoffensive tunes in that vein. Nay, this was to be a full-fledged battle anthem worthy of both the Turf War scene and MakoMart itself! If a bowling alley was able to squeeze a smash hit out of some worthless floozies from the boondocks (Deep Cut with "Smeared Canvas"), why, Trout J. Craven could commission an even better work of art for even less, couldn't he! Thrift and Grift were his two middle names! (if you discounted the one he already had, but tbf who wouldn't?)
So it's rather unlucky that, by happenstance, the indie band this CEO hired to compose an anthem for MakoMart were:
A.) fervent anti-capitalists
B.) already in a collective, melodramatic affair with his wife.
The five-and-a-half minute power ballad that played over the intercoms that weekend made both these points very explicit.
(The lyricist is best known for his ill-fated collaboration with Pearl Houzuki on "#$@%* Dudes Be #$@%* Sleepin'", if that gives you a better picture.)
During the resulting scorched-earth legal klusterfuffle that continues to this very day, the rights to the "employee bonus" one-and-a-half-minute karaoke version (now playing) was inexplicably sold off to interested parties from Barnacle & Dime — who started sneaking it onto their Turf War playlist. While this karaoke version is but a shell of what it's supposed to have been, it's become one of those near-memetic songs where if you know, you know.
Eventually, life goes on, jokes are left behind, and this tune will comfortably fade into the grocery store background static that it probably should've been in the first place.
(sample source list can be found on my YouTube)
