Mudad Adventures: Spider-fest

summary: Giorno is terrified of spiders, Hol Horse is less than sympathetic

Giorno’s Dinner Party: Mudad Adventure pt ?

Summary: Hol Horse enrages little GioGIo, so obviously he is forced to take drastic measures to put Hol in his place. 

CW: Giorno acting like his father, attempted murder, DIO the bad dad encourages said murder, no actual murdering tho

Disclaimer: Obviously DIO reads ancient history and philosophy to Giorno as a bedtime story. He thinks graphic Greek tragedies are perfectly age appropriate for a five year old. 

Mudad Adventures: The Hol Horse Special

Summary: DIO leaves Giorno with Hol Horse for a short vacation. Both Hol and Giorno are less than thrilled. 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23027542/chapters/55487023

Some confused onlooker: What’s your relationship? *gestures beetween Hol Horse and DIO*

DIO: Were partners

Hol Horse: in business

DIO: the business of love

Mudad Adventures: Poker is a Family Game

CW: gambling (?)

“Hey there GioGio, this is gonna have to be our last house, alright?” Hol Horse leaned down to Giorino, gently guiding him to their last destination of the night. 

Girono nodded solemnly, understanding the significance of this being the last house. He’d have to play it for all it was worth. He carefully marched up to the door and knocked three times. 

“Trick or treat!” The little boy dressed as a vampire beamed up at the middle aged man who opened the door. 

The man stared down in confusion at the little boy holding out a pillowcase filled with candy. He then turned to the, even stranger, menacing cowboy standing behind the boy. Hol Horse motioned to him expectantly, like you know get the kid some candy and stop stalling so my boss doesn't literally kill me. 

“Uh sorry but we-” 

“Now, listen here pall. This may not be ‘Halloween’ but this kid is only four and he wants some-” At this point Hol Horse reached down to cover Giorno’s ears, “ FUCKING CANDY” Giorno’s little ears were freed again as Hol continued, “ and youll give it to him.” 

The man had no common courtesy, and just continued to stand there mouth agape, so Hol had to take things into his own hands. Specifically he had to take Emperor into his hands. A quick flash of the two guns over Girono’s shoulders had the man running inside only to come back out to dump a few candy bars and packets of sugar in pillow case. 

~~~~~~~

“Wryyyyy” DIO crooned over Giorno’s shoulder, “did you come home successful!” 

“Uh huh! I got chocolates, and skittles, and mints, and starburst, and hershey kisses, and peanut butter cups, and-” Giorno prattled on as DIO ruffled his hair taking inventory of the many sweets before him. Er, them. 

“Hol dear, I think its about time we set up that poker game don you think?” DIO mumbled suggestively. Unfortunately Hol was oblivious as to whatever DIO was suggesting. 

“Uh sure sir?” Hol replied going to get the cards and chips. 

“Papa! Papa!! Can I play?” Giorno jumped. He didn't know what poker was or how to play cards at all but he was on a sugar high and felt like he could do anything! 

“Now Giorno. I would love to let you play, but you simply don't have any money,” DIO paused to emphasize that with a comically large frown, “And to play poker you need to bet something that other people would want.” 

Giorno paused for a moment, thoroughly confounded. He didn't have any money, but some people tonight had thrown in money with his candy… 

“Can I use my candy?” Girono offered very seriously. He had earned that candy with all of his hard work so it was obvious to him that it was worth just as much if not more than money. 

“What a smart little boy you are, that's a very good offer my little GioGio. Of course you can bet your candy. Come here and I’ll teach you how to play.” DIO beckoned Giorno to come sit on his lap. Once the little boy had crawled over, DIO taught him how to play. Not sparing any details or dumbing it down a bit for the child. 

“Now, are you ready?” DIO asked. Giorno nodded so DIO lifted him off his lap and plopped him down on the couch between him and Hol Horse. 

“Ok I’m gonna have D’Arby deal us in but this is just for a practice rou-” Hol started but DIO quickly cut him off.

“A practice round? Do you think Giorno is stupid? Do you think that I, DIO, taught him inadequately enough that he doesn't have a complete and total grasp on the rules of the game?” DIO glowered over Giorno, who was currently spreading his cards out face up on the table and counting their number, rank and suit out loud. 

“Uh no sir, no no no Sir. The kid is gonna do great.” Hol stuttered fearing more for himself than the little boy’s candy fortune. 

“D’Arby. Begin.” DIO’s simple command started the game. 

~~~~~~~~

DIO lay sprawled out on the couch, dangling his shoes over an armrest while leisurely enjoying a peanut butter cup.

Giorno lost. Terribly. So awfully that absolutely every last candy bar, every loose skittle and M&M had been taken from him and put into his father’s custody. The little boy was on the verge of tears but the last time he cried DIO had told him that crying is for weak children, so he shuffled away plotting his next gambling free Halloween.

“Uh Master DIO Sir?” Hol Horse interrupted DIO’s sweet winning reverie. “Aren’t there easier ways to get candy rather than having your son go trick or treating in February, then stealing the candy in a poker game?” 

DIO just looked at him expressionless. “You could just go buy some…” Hol Horse ventured. 

“And let those plebeians outside think that I DIO consume carbs and sugars? I think not.” After some thought DIO added, “Take Giorno trick or treating again next week and don't let him gamble away all his earnings this time.”

Bonding Time with Dr Phil

DIO takes Hol Horse and Vanilla Ice to therapy.

Thx @iggybestdoggo for the absolutley CURSED reccomendations

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hol Horse and Vanilla Ice had been instructed to drive DIO into a recording studio in Cairo. Neither particularly knew why, but DIO had insisted it would be a bonding experience.

When they finally arrived, Enyaba greeted them, telling DIO that everything had been set up and “he was ready.” Hol Horse wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but most of the time he wasn’t sure what DIO meant so he went along anyways.

“Master DIO, May I ask why we are here?” Vanilla Ice was equally as confused as Hol Horse.

“I have arranged a meeting with the great Dr. Phil from the color box I had installed in my room. He helps people deal with issues like ours.” DIO explained as if that was a sufficient answer.

“Other people want to kill the Joestars?” Hol scrunched up his face, worrying that they would have to go up against more stand users.

“Mm not particularly. More of an issue with ‘partnership’.” DIO responded vaguely.

Oh shit, Hol Horse thought you himself, DIO didn’t have the best skills in matchmaking when it came to Hol’s previous partners...

The trio entered the studio only to find an empty audience but a rotund man tied to a chair in the center.

“Phil, I am sure Enyaba has filled you in on our... little predicament?” DIO was towering over the man who was visibly sweating through his tacky clothes.

“Uh. Yes sir. But I’m afraid I can’t work with hookers. Against studio policy.” Dr. Phil tried explain.

“There are no ‘hookers’ here,” DIO sneered down at the man.

“Well. I’m afraid that one over there in the leotard needs to cover up his ass cheeks or we won’t be able to get anything accomplished.”

“Hmm I suppose you’re right they are quite distracting. Vanilla Ice put one some tights.”

“Yes master.” Vanilla Ice scurried off trying to find sake thing suitable.

“Actually Vanilla-“ Hol started, but was interrupted by DIO, “No no, you’ll be staying here.”

“Well,” DIO sat down and crossed his legs, “let’s start things shall we?”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to start but-“

“SILENCE” DIO screamed at Dr Phil, turning instead to Hol Horse.

“Darling Hol, do you like being eaten?” DIO nearly whispered, leaning into Hol’s seat.

“Uh sir, I think if I had been eaten I wouldn’t be sitting here.” Hol stuttered.

“Ohh, so you wouldn’t even be able to sit let alone walk if you had? Isn’t that delightful.” DIO purred.

“I mean sir I feel like that’s kind of a life or death sort of-“

“Oh it’s that significant for you is it?” DIO was practically frothing at the mouth when Vanilla Ice jogged back in, dressed like he had just finished Jazzercise.

Dr. Phil looked between the three gentleman skeptically, “So you three are-“

“Partners. We’re partners.” DIO declared looping one arm around Hol and the other around Vanilla.

“Uh. Okay whatever you say yellow man-“

“HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME LIKE THIS YOU INSIGNIFCANT PEASANT-“

“I think you lot need to calm the fuck down. And to find some god.“ Dr Phil was going to say something pithy about thier outfits and male strippers but DIO was getting just a smidge infuriated.

“Phil. I am the closest thing to god you will ever see. And if you don’t want to spend an eternity under my thumb I suggest you get on with it.” DIO snarled close to the porky man’s ear.

“Uh alright then. Uh Sir. Um what exactly brings you into me today?” Dr Phil stuttered as the sudden reality of his situation hit. Sure he had had some really weird people in his show, and of course he had dealt with egomaniacs, people with god complexes, and the occasional BDSM tie up. But never all three at the same time. And certainly not with a giant beefcake of a man with two whorish lackeys.

“Simple. Ibe brought you two here because I want a threesome.” DIO stated, as if it was the only logical conclusion to this scenario.

Vanilla Ice hurled himself out of his chair and at DIO, “WHAT am I suddenly not ENOUGH for you? I bleached MY ASSHOLE for you!”

“And it was delicious,” DIO patted Vanilla Ice’s head, “but I desire more...” And with that open ended statement he threw a lustful look at Hol Horse.

“Oh... OHHHH!” Hol finally caught on to what DIO was saying. He stood up slowly and walked over to DIO.

He leaned in close to whisper in his ear, “I didn’t really peg this piggy over here to be your style, but go at it. I won’t stop you guys!” Hol threw a wink to a stupefied DIO and a disgusted Vanilla Ice before strolling out.