CHASING CARS

(richard winters X reader)

angst, attempted suicide

american suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

it’s a bad day not a bad life. stay safe. i love you all

wc: 1735

sometimes it felt like your whole entire world was collapsing around you. it wasn’t something you could explain because in reality you could have every single thing you wanted but at times it just wasn’t enough. you felt like you just weren’t enough. nothing was enough. and at night, your biggest fears were always there to try and drown you. you wanted to conquer the world but you just weren’t strong enough.

we’ll do it all. everything. on our own.

you had felt this way for a long time. in fact, you were diagnosed with depression at a very young age. somehow you knew how to deal with it. you knew not to let it show or get in the way of your life. so you lived on peacefully. no mistakes, no enemies. then the war began and you enlisted in the airborne. unfortunately, you didn’t exactly realize the effect it would have on your mental health.

you now sat on a balcony in austria. the sun had already set and you tried to feel at peace as you gazed up at the stars. a polished gun laid on the floor beside you. ronald speirs, harry welsh and lewis nixon, your dear friends, sat a ways away from you. they were soon joined by the love of your life, richard winters. you sat there feeling so alone and all you wanted was his arms around you.

we don’t need. anything. or anyone.

a part of you truly believed that you would risk it all for that man. he was your safe place. without him . . . you couldn’t live. you wouldn’t live in a world without him. to see him hurt or gone was to feel a great deal pain. the love you felt for him was not one you had felt for anyone ever. he was your soulmate.

when you felt as though you had nothing he was there by your side to bring you back down to earth. you constantly teetered on the edge of the unknown and the harsh existence of reality. there was only one thing that could keep you tethered to the blissful side of reality. and that was always him. the war told you that a life with richard winters wasn’t possible. and you didn’t want to live that way.

if i lay here. if i just lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world?

the polished gun at your side was calling your name. it had began to taunt you. you were suddenly two feet tall and it loomed over you like a cat playing with a mouse. your fingertips ghosted over it for a second. the anxiety in your chest was nearly too much to handle. you picked up the gun.

the tears were hot in your eyes. you tried to ignore it. you wanted that tethered feeling to pull you back down. you wanted to scream out. you wanted someone to help you. you wanted one of those four men to just glance over and tell you to set the gun down. what you felt was unbearable and you wouldn’t even wish that on your worst enemy.

i don’t quite know. how to say. how i feel.

your hands shook. you didn’t want to do this but you needed to. you wished for the pain to escape your body. you longed for a breath of fresh air. maybe this was how it was supposed to be. this was how you were meant to be at peace. the tears ran down your cheeks like rain on a glass pane.

you didn’t put the gun to your head. that would be too obvious. but if you wanted someone to stop you then why would you want it to be a secret. you pressed the gun to your thigh, hoping that if you pulled the trigger you would hit your femoral artery. your previous career as a nurse had taught you well.

so you pulled the trigger.

those three words. are said too much. they’re not enough.

the sudden crack of your pistol was enough to throw the men near you into a panic. all eyes were on you as the gun fell to the floor. you didn’t feel pain when you fired the gun. you didn’t feel pain when the blood began to sleep through your pants. you didn’t feel pain as nix and harry ran to get doc roe. the pain set in as soon as richard came into view. the expression on his face pulled you back down to earth and suddenly you began to panic. this is what you needed.

your chest heaved. black spots clouded your vision. all you felt was the tears on your face. they were never ending. hot and constant. then you felt the pressure on your thigh. speirs was trying to stop the bleeding. richard kicked the gun away and was hugging you from behind. the pressure from the hug was meant to alleviate panic. you weren’t sure how you knew that but you did.

if i lay here. if i just lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world?

you were trying to stay awake but the sounds of sobbing behind you was unbearable. you had begun to realize that you trying to find a way out would do more harm than good. that’s not what you wanted.

as you blacked out, flashes of a good life invaded your mind. growing up. meeting easy company. meeting richard winters. going on your first date. your first kiss. the end of the war. a proposal. a beautiful little farm on a quiet piece of land. a wedding. children. home cooked meals. easy company reunions. grandchildren. a good peaceful life. a carefree life. then everything became white.

forget what we’re told. before we get too old. show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

as the white light faded you could see multiple figures come into view. you couldn’t quite make out your surroundings but that didn’t exactly matter anymore. in front of you stood a few of the men you had lost. donald hoobler, skip muck, alex penkala, john julian, james miller. and suddenly you felt alright. you felt at peace.

let’s waste time. chasing cars. around our heads.

the white light returned. it was blinding this time. a hot searing pain bloomed in your thigh. arms were wrapped around your waist. you had a feeling that if you tried to move you wouldn’t get very far. you glanced towards the gunshot wound and you could see the blood once again begin to bloom on your pants. you knew doc roe fixed you up good. he was amazing at his job and he never let a soul down. you shifted, trying to wake the sleeping ginger beside you.

“hey . . .” you muttered. he was suddenly awake, rubbing his eyes. his eyes were on you in matter of seconds. “don’t look at me like i’m broken glass, richard.”

“what happened? are you okay? how do you feel?” he had already sat up. he saw the blood on your pants and immediately went to apply pressure. you pulled away.

“i don’t wanna talk about it. i wanna sleep in a separate room. i need space.” you didn’t know why you acted this way. there was no reason to act this way. you wanted to scream out for him again. to tell him that wasn’t what you wanted. you just wanted him near.

i need your grace. to remind me. to find my own.

“sweetheart, i don’t understand . . . i’m not gonna leave you alone.” you had turned away from him now. you couldn’t bear looking at someone that you felt you had let down. you could hear his voice shake. you could feel his pain but most importantly you knew he felt your own.

“just drop it. i don’t wanna talk about it. what’s done is done. it’s time to move on.”

“i know you meant to shoot yourself, y/n. i just don’t understand. help me understand. i wanna help you.”

“well maybe i don’t want your help.” the harsh words just slipped off of your tongue. you couldn’t help it. you could feel richard recoil from you. you didn’t understand either.

“okay . . . um . . . we have to write a report. all of the witnesses. nix, speirs, and harry are waiting. there’s crutches on the floor. i could help you if you like but i understand if you don’t want my help.”

if i lay here. if i just lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world?

you pushed yourself off the bed. fragments of your life during the war were scattered around the room. your dress greens. random pictures you had acquired. two silly little friendship bracelets george luz and skip muck made for you back in toccoa. your heart clenched. it was nice to see skip again. even if it was just a dream or glimpse into the afterlife. you picked up the crutches, leaving the room behind. your boyfriend followed.

forget what we’re told. before we get too old. show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

nix, speirs, and harry stood as you entered the room with richard trailing behind you. you gave them a small, weak smile. you motioned for them to sit as you sat as well. you didn’t know how you were handling yourself so well. maybe you were trying to convince yourself that you were okay. after all, you didn’t know how long you had been out.

your boyfriend sat beside you. his hand now rested on your own. and you began to talk. you told them everything. how you felt. what you’re eye thinking. not a single eye in that room was dry. and when you need support you looked to richard. he was right beside you to calm you down. he was there to squeeze your hand when it was needed.

all that i am. all that i ever was. is here in your perfect eyes. they’re all i can see.

he was there.

i don’t know where. confused about how as well. just know these thing will never change for us at all.

he would always be there.

if i lay here. if i just lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world.