All amazing points and so important to take in. I think I have done a couple of these, but not habitually or intensely. But it's good awareness for me.

This little girl was getting ignored by her mum.

So I was on the train and this little girl (about 5years old) was sitting across from me, her mother had her headphones in and was ignoring the little girl. The girl was rambling about random things and started playing i spy with no one. She then said “I spy with my little eye something that’s green” and I pointed at my shirt that was green. She smiled and said “I spy something that’s white” and I pointed to my white shoes, she then said the colour red and at first I couldn’t find anything red so I pulled out a red school book from my bag. This continued for a few turns and then she said brown, I looked around me and in my bag but couldn’t find anything, the girl still expecting me to find something brown started looking around too when the man two rows down pulled out a brown phone case and pointed to it. The young girl then said blue and another lady pointed to her bracelet, we all silently continued playing until the whole train carriage was playing along, the whole time her mother didn’t even realise.

Okay, so, I was going to just scroll past this and ignore it, but it was really bugging me. And then I looked at some of the comments and reblogs and well… I need to say something.

I am the mother of five children. I have been a mother for ten years now, and I can assure you, it is completely 100% impossible to be completely engrossed in your children every second of every day.

While OP isn’t outright saying that the mother here was being neglectful, the tone does imply it, and it’s what a lot of the reblogs and comments have focused on. But once again, while it’s sweet that all these people came together to play I Spy with this little girl, it says exactly NOTHING about her mother.

I would even go further to say that the fact that this little girl can keep herself occupied and happy for a little while by herself, to me, actually says that she has parents who teach her to be able to be a bit more independent, capable of happily playing on her own. That’s actually very HEALTHY. 

Did this little girl look sad? No. In fact. OP continuously mentions her smiling. Does she look neglected? Upset to be “ignored” as the OP puts it?

Listen. Moms are on the job 24/7. If they space out for a bit on the train, and their kids seem happy to play on their own, I cannot for the life of me understand why that should be a problem, and how you can all decide that they’re terrible parents. 

I am an incredible mother. I am 100% aware of this. My kids feel loved and supported, I am open and honest with them, and I am always there for them if they need me. But they also know how to function in the world without me constantly having to be engaged with them. My kids can figure out games to play on their own, they can make themselves a sandwich, they can help each other with things. 

If I’m on a train with them and I have five minutes of quiet where I can read a book or listen to music, or be on my phone, and don’t have to worry about crossing streets or keeping track of my child because they’re sitting right next to me, and they aren’t trying to get my attention for anything, then HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD PARENT?

Wow. Someone played a game with a little girl for five minutes on a train. And everyone somehow thinks that makes them this little girl’s savior or something? Were any of you reblogging this with her in the middle of the night when she was crying with a tummy ache, or cleaning up after her when she got sick? Were any of you with her on her first day at preschool? Did you all have to pick up and leave work in the middle of the day because her teacher called with an emergency? Do you all get up with her early every morning and get her out to school on time?

Someone played a five minute game with a happy, content, and well-adjusted five-year-old and everyone wants want to accuse her mother of ignoring her?

I am fucking done with this website.

ALSO ALSO this was probably really really good and healthy for the little girl, because her mother is there giving her a sense of safety and familiarity, but not hovering and watching over her shoulder. SO the child has the opportunity to play and socialize in a new strange place without feeling like her mother is monitoring her but she has the security of knowing her mother is there if she needs her. And she engaged with the people around her in a good way, that child is learning good social skills and how to interact. This is good this is right what the fuck you don’t hover and helicopter you kids every second of the day and I bet you ten bucks that the mom was watching. She knew where her kid was and if her kid needed her to step in she would have. And let moms have breaks, god. Their job is harder than any job and they deserve it.

We need to get rid of some stuff, but I have a hard time trying to get my son to let go of things because my mother would get fed up with my stuff and throw it all away every few years because I never could keep a tidy place.

Certainly did NOT make me be tidy. It did make me feel insecure in my home, though. That and them moving me every two years.

My mum used to throw my things away too, as a kid. And I struggle with trying to declutter. Especially the last 10 years, as I got into 1:6 dolls, which has contributed 200% MORE STUFF to my home, which I’m fighting to cull STILL.

But my eventual goal is for everything to have a “home”, so I can find things, and put things away where they go. I started last January, by cleaning my room and assigning what’s “allowed” to be on the flat surfaces in my bedroom and kitchen, and trying every night to take anything that isn’t allowed to be there back to where it belongs before bed.

I fell off the wagon when I threw my back out in April, and things descended into chaos in AUgust. But I’m trying to focus on the good stuff instead of the backsliding, and get back into habits that help reduce all of the GINORMOUS AMOUNTS OF STUFF that is making my environment affect my feelings of self, and causing shame. 

Mostly, for me, it’s trying to ignore the voice inside my head that insists “but what if we NEED that someday?” and instead listen to the voice that says “If we haven’t touched it in 2 years, then it’s time to either sell it, donate it, or pitch it.”

Question: does it help to “prioritise” things - particularly with children? ie. Say “everything must have a place, and we only have places for 25 toys, so some will have to go”?

Because this changes the question from  “do you want to throw out your toys” to “which toys will we clear out?”

It’s a choice that still achieves the objectives desired. It gives the child some control, while still maintaining that you are the adult and you get authoritative say over them in their best interests and in the smooth running of your household.

Yes! This is a good idea.

What we also do in our house: “Which toys are your favorites, and which do you think should have new homes?” or “Which toys do you think we could let other kids enjoy?”

Or something to that effect - if they know we’re not just throwing the toys away (unless they really are broken or missing parts or so cheap as to be trash) but rehoming them. Then they’re able to have a choice and be kind about it and really think about which toys they like and play with often, and which toys can be moved on.

I have a much, much harder time getting my kids to give up books. If you have an idea for that one, I’ll take it. ;)

i’ll be like 40 w/no kids and people will say “aw i’m so sorry for you” and i’ll be like how was the fucking wiggles reunion tour asshole i went to italy last week for fun and didn’t have to hire a sitter

This is a very sad mentality. To think oneself more important than that of progeny is the sign of a failed human life.

so the wiggles concert wasn’t as good as you thought it would be huh

file this under “trying to sound smart and failing”

We have more than enough humans in this world. It is far more noble to expend effort to make the world better for the existing population than to sacrifice one’s own ambition to make more humans.

I don’t think it’s about being more noble or thinking oneself more important than progeny or going to Italy instead of Wiggles concerts (ALL of which, for the record, you can do with or without kids of your own). Do you want kids? Great! Have them, adopt them, be a Big Brother or Big Sister, and enjoy the hell out of experiencing life as a parent and/or mentor. Do you not want kids? Totally okay! You definitely should NOT reproduce. Enjoy your life to the fullest as a spouse/child/grandchild/aunt/cousin/friend/CEO/vintner/whatever.

The point is, you can find fulfillment and joy in life with kids, and you can find joy and fulfillment in life without kids. No one needs to resent or feel superior to anyone else relating to procreation choices.

I just get so tired of this argument, I have kids and think kids in general are awesome, but some of my best friends are childless by choice, and I totally support their choices, I don't think they're being selfish at all,we're not a post-apocolyptic race struggling to survive, if we don't all have kids THAT'S OKAY ( bethanyactually)

Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm one of those people who never thought I'd HAVE kids, wasn't sure I wanted them, and was pleasantly surprised to find that I liked having a brood of them. But I am the first - THE FIRST - to say that if you don't want kids, do not have kids. That's not being selfish, that's being the exact opposite of selfish, because you care enough about your family and yourself to know what you want and what you can do.

But having kids does not make you stupid or lame or boring or or a dupe. It also doesn't make you wise or more in touch with your womanhood/manhood (snort). It makes you a parent, and the person you were before you had kids really doesn't change at all. You're just that person plus kids. If you're lucky and have the money and support, you can still travel, you can still work, you can still do things. It's just about what you want to do and what you're willing to do.

Here's the thing about kids: it's a complicated business. I don't always like my kids. I don't always like HAVING kids. They drive me crazy sometimes. I had to give up a lot to have them. But all of this? I knew that going in. I had the privilege of being able to choose to have children, and I don't regret it at all (even on the days when I want to run off and join the circus).

My kids? They're so sweet. They're really genuinely funny. I get to teach them geeky things. We can all cuddle and play and have silly conversations and it's just the best thing in the world for my heart and my head. Some days, I can't believe they're mine, and I'm so grateful for them.

But that's me, I had an idea that my feelings would often be contradictory to each other. I've known many women whose experiences were very different, and those experiences are just a valid. Just because it worked out for me, doesn't mean it's going to work out for everyone. They're no better or worse than me, they're just different. In different circumstances, I'm sure my experience would be different.

So: kids are a complicated business. And it's dangerous - really truly dangerous - to perpetuate the black and white view of parenthood or being childfree. In a way I was lucky that I had a difficult childhood, because it gave me a more nuanced view of parenthood and singlehood, but many people don't have that.

And for people who reflect these expectations you've represented, handling disappointment - either with themselves or their children or lack of children - becomes very difficult. I know, I've seen it! These black/white views don't give people the tools to deal with that.

These black/white expectations don't tell them that deviations in their experience is normal, that it's not the end of world, that tomorrow won't feel the same as today. It tells them that they're wrong, that they've made a mistake, and that can make people feel very desperate. And that's a kind of desperation we do not want people to feel.

Anyway, I'm not the thought police. You can think what you want, but I wish you'd evaluate it and figure out why you need to feel superior in order to validate your life choices to yourself before you share your thoughts with the world.

Because yes, those people who are telling you that they feel bad for you for being childfree at 40? They're a problem. But you, you're the other side. You're the other guy in this argument, and you are also a problem.

That's it, that's parenting.