Hi, so this may be very personal and I’ll understand if you don’t wanna answer this. But recently I have figured out I’m aroace, but.. I have questions like... am I “worthy” enough? Can I rlly identify as those? I like a boy and like how we’re kinda dating rn, but I don’t LOVE love him- am I still an aro? I don’t rlly despise sex and I actually like to read it- am I still an ace?
I’m a cis straight woman (which is why the “worthy” enough) and idk how it works and I’m so sorry for sending you this but you’re one of the few I’ve ever seen to speak abt aroace and I feel very insecure and high anxiety abt this. Again, I know it’s kinda unfair to you to just ask these, so I totally understand if you dont answer this. Thank you though!
Hope you’re having a nice day/ night! ☺️
Hi there!
First of all, don't worry. I think it's actually more personal to you than it is for me. So I don't mind at all.
You should know that I perfectly understand how you're feeling. I, too, sometimes wonder if I'm worthy enough of being ace. As a matter of fact, that's something I've wanted to talk about for a long time but never really had the chance. Thank you for providing it.
I personally associate my own feelings of unworthiness to the stigma (?) surrounding phases. Like, "what if I'm really just going through a phase? Isn't that disrespectful of true asexuals or other LGBTQIA+?"
That's how I've been feeling for a while.
I always say I've been identifying as asexual since I was 14, because it's true! But my lack of experience in romantic or sexual relationships makes me wonder if I truly am ace or if I'm just lacking enough facts to form a proper opinion.
I mean, I might not really react to "hot" people (I mostly just have the aesthetic appreciation), but I don't even know my romantic orientation. I've never even had a crush in my live, and the sole idea scares the shit outta me, but deep down I would like to experience a relationship. Because of that I don't really identify as aro; I don't know, it just doesn't feel right, you know? Not like calling myself asexual feels right for me.
That being said, despite my doubts, I also understand that things aren't black or white. Life is an unpredictable, never-ending journey of selfdiscovery. It's full of nuance and contradictions. And that's not necessarily bad!
If you want my honest opinion, I do believe you're both ace and aro.
Inside each sexual orientation there's a whole world of possibilities!!
For example, you say you like a boy and you're sort of dating him, right? Well, that's perfectly possible. I don't think I can find it right now, but there's this comic detailing different aspects of being aro, and one of these experiences say, "I really like you platonically. Can we date?"
It seems to me that's what you're going through.
Just because you're aro, it doesn't mean you can't date! Hell, there's this thing you might know about called "queerplatonic partners."
Basically, that's what happens when friends decide to do things that you'd normally expect from couples (especially MARRIED ones) together. Such as living together or having kids. But you are still just friends.
Also, you can be cishet and still be queer, you know that, right? I mean, nothing is set in stone! There's lots of people who, for example, identify as asexual lesbians/gays, etc. There's more than one way of doing things, if you know what I mean.
Now, you said you like reading about sex?
Sugar, so do I. And, again, proud asexual since I was 14 here!
FYI, I like reading about sex, but I hate watching sex scenes. No matter the gender of the characters, I just can't. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. And actually listening to moaning?!? Dude, just kill me now.
That's a good part of the reason why I prefer watching cartoons or comedies over live-action and dramas. As a hopeless romantic (see? Another contradiction), I get my much needed dose of heartwarming interactions without having to watch people intertwining limbs and panting.
Also...reading allows me to...control the intensity, so to speak. As in, I decide what I want to picture in my brain. Sex on TV forces me to watch exactly what the directors want me to. And, no thanks.
Oh, and just so you know, being asexual doesn't necessarily mean you despise sex. True, there are asexuals who are sex-repulsed, but many others are okay with sex, it's just...not a top priority, you know? And both ways of being are perfectly valid.
Now, tell me. After everything I've said, do you think I'm unworthy of calling myself an asexual? Because I personally don't think you're unworthy of calling yourself aroace.
Your life, your identity, is a journey only you can find the answers to. Experiences aren't universal, and there isn't one more valid than the rest. You do you.