you know i think i’ve come to the conclusion that the answer to “but what if a cis woman is traumatized by men/male presenting people/whatever?” irt safe spaces is this: if you can’t be in the same room with someone you assume to be male or a man without feeling triggered, it probably means you have a lot more solo therapy and healing to do before relying on group therapy or other communal healing.
because how do you decide who gets to stay and who gets kicked out based on a cis woman’s trauma response? is it based on appearance? should intersex women with facial hair not be allowed because beards are triggering? should butches and studs not be allowed because masculinity is triggering? should tall broad shouldered trans women who don’t want to voice train not be allowed because low voices are triggering? is it based on identity? should a pre transition trans man who came out two days ago not be allowed because he’s a man? is a nonbinary person with a full beard and deep voice allowed because they are not a man?
because if you base your entire set of rules for who’s not allowed in the safe space on what makes cis women uncomfortable or triggers them, you’ve just made that space unsafe for trans people. and you need to decide if you’re ready to own that.
to the "what if a cis woman is traumatized by men/male presenting people" thing: well, then she needs a fuckton of therapy to work through that, because demanding a space that's free of an appearance or identity that bothers you is not realistic and it's not only counterproductive to your healing but makes you a danger to others. right after I'd been diagnosed with ptsd, i got put in two mixed-gender therapy groups. one was a dbt group, the other one was an actual for-credit class on the physiology of ptsd. at the time i was still identifying as mostly a girl, although kinda-sorta starting to question it.
i really really didn't want to be in mixed gender groups. i was in a state of extreme hypervigilance like 99% of the time. i was having flashbacks and panic attacks at the drop of a hat. and you know what my therapist said when i asked if i could be in groups without men?
she said no, and that it would be a crucial point in my healing process to learn that men aren't inherently dangerous. i was petrified, because i was twenty years old and in the worst mental health of my life, but i showed up to the groups and did the homework and sat next to the men i was scared of, and you know what? my therapist was absolutely right! getting to know those men in my groups was one of the most healing experiences i could've had, because i was forced to stop seeing them as a monolithic boogeyman and start seeing them as individual human beings! not to mention quite a few of them were also rape/sa survivors and therefore made up a safer and more understanding space than any of the non-survivor social groups i frequented.
i distinctly remember having an anxiety attack having to sit next to a guy i didn't know in dbt group. i remember apologizing, because i did want him to know he didn't personally do anything. he had vaguely similar features to my ex and in the state i was in at the time, that was a trigger. he told me it was okay, he totally understood because he was the same way with guys who looked like his dad, and then seat swapped me so i could have my back to the wall instead of the open room. just like that.
my ptsd physiology class was me and a bunch of big burly ex-military guys. i was feeling brave one day and piped up about how if someone touched me, i could feel it for hours after and felt like i needed 50 showers. this big bearded guy in a muscle shirt snapped his fingers and went, 'dude, EXACTLY!!' it led to a very educational discussion on dysregulation in individuals with ptsd and how your startle response just Doesn't Wear Off, as well as all of us sharing/brainstorming ways to cope with that when it happened. we all learned a lot and me and that guy both learned we weren't alone.
all that to say: you're responsible for learning to manage your triggers. someone's appearance or identity being a trigger for you means you are gravely, critically ill, and need a lot of help to work toward being okay and being able to function as a person. if you can't handle being around anyone you read as a man or as remotely masculine, there's a very strong chance you're sick enough you shouldn't be in groups at all until you have enough of a handle on your shit to not pose a danger to yourself and others.
"you're responsible for learning to manage your triggers. someone's appearance or identity being a trigger for you means you are gravely, critically ill, and need a lot of help to work toward being okay and being able to function as a person"
louder for the people in the back
