but seriously shout out to bi girls who want boyfriends/husbands or have boyfriends/husbands and love them a lot I know people give you shit for "choosing the straight side" and saying like, "oh well society expects you to be in relationships with men" as an excuse to like, be rude or exclude you from wlw/LGBT spaces and conversations and dismiss your complaints about how bi women are treated etc. you're fucking awesome and you deserve to be in community spaces and to feel safe and welcomed, and you shouldnt have to feel guilty because people think your love is somehow less radical or whatever the fuck. i hope you have a lovely healthy relationship with a boyfriend/husband and he makes you feel happy and loved and accepted.
aceflux bisexual women are wonderful and deserve so much more positivity than they are given!
aw thank you!
Me: It’s ok for bi ladies to talk about, date, marry and have crushes on boys. It doesn’t invalidate their bi-ness or their liking for girls. It’s also ok for bi men to talk about, date, marry and have crushes on girls. It doesn’t make them any less bi either. In fact, you could argue they wouldn’t be bi if they didn’t acknowledge their attraction to the opposite gender; “bi” means “more than one”, after all! People who say you’re fakin your queerness when you talk about the opposite gender are the ones who are wrong. They’re biphobic and shouldn’t be listened to!
My rat brain: not you, tho
Me: not me, tho
reblog if you’re a lesbian who supports bi girls, a bi girl who supports lesbians, or if you want all wlw to have a nice day
Bi women and bi men dating each other? Beautiful. Keep it up 💗💜💙
i think anyone who says tht a bi man & a bi woman in a relationship r basically the same as a straight couple have never put any thought into how bisexuality challenges preconcieved dynamics and the gender roles usually assumed in m/f relationships.
Friendly reminder that bi/pan women can be just as GNC+ as lesbian women and in this house we love and support them. Butch bi/pan women are valid, they/them bi/pan women are wonderful, he/him bi/pan women are extraordinary, GNC+ Bi/Pan women are perfect and I love every single one of y’all!💗💜💙~💖💛💙
This post is aggressively inclusive of trans bi/pan women, aro and ace bi/pan women, non-binary bi women, and any m-spec women whose identity weren’t listed. It is also aggressively exclusive of any gatekeepers and radfems.
Bi women can’t talk about being in relationships with men because that’s seen as forcing heterosexuality upon gay and lesbian people. Bi women who previously identified as something other than bi can’t talk about the process of realizing they were bi because that’s seen as forcing heterosexuality upon lesbians. Bi women can only talk about being in relationships with women if they add 15 caveats about how they hate other bi women now and have discarded their bisexuality. Bi women in relationships with bi men or with lesbians have to swear up and down that they aren’t fetishizing their partners.
Bi women can’t talk about being happy (either single or in a relationship) because then people will take that as us having no problems in the world. Bi people can’t talk about mundane issues such as media representation or language about bisexuals because that’s too trivial. Bi women can’t talk about their sex lives or wanting to be polyamorous because that’s seen as too dirty and too gross and too predatory. Bi women can’t produce or consume “sappy wuhluhwuh content” because that’s seen as defanging and disrespecting lesbian identity and yet they can’t talk about bisexual social alienation/trauma/invisibility/loneliness because “invisibility is a privilege” and because “those things are just stolen terms from gay and lesbian people”.
Bi women can’t talk about being unicorn hunted on dating apps because apparently they don’t face that issue and instead perpetuate it and force lesbians to have threesomes with their male partners (apparently). Bi women can’t talk about intracommunity biphobia without being told that we aren’t radical for dating men and that LGBT spaces are safe gay spaces that we’d be invading.
Bi women can’t call themselves gay even when they’re in gay relationships. Bi women can’t call themselves tops or bottoms even when they’re having regular gay sex. Bi women can’t call themselves queer because that’s a slur but oh wait, it’s okay when other people weaponize that word against us. Bi women can’t call themselves masc or femme because they’d be stealing those terms from lesbians but oh wait they can’t call themselves tomcats, does, or stags because those terms are cringeworthy imitations of butch/femme. Bi women can’t talk about gender expression without being told they’re appropriating “real” gay culture. Bi women can’t talk about femininity without being told they perform it for men and bi women can’t talk about masculinity without being told that being bi makes it impossible for them to be masculine.
Bi women can’t talk about how unique relationships between bi women and bi men or bi women and bi women or bi men and bi men are. Bi women can’t call their relationships “bisexual” relationships because that’s somehow “anti-materialism”. Bi women can’t talk about loving their male partners because that’s anti-feminist but they can’t talk about hating men as a class or their trauma with respect to men without being told that it means they must actually be “lesbians suffering from comphet”.
Bi women can’t talk about solidarity with LGBT people without being seen as selfish, nor can they talk about just bi women without being seen as selfish.
Bi women can’t talk about the material, systemic, and sexual violence we face because apparently it isn’t real, no matter how much empirically validated proof we offer, and if we do talk about it, we’re stealing lesbian specific experiences or erasing lesbian specific experiences or trying to claim gay and lesbian specific experiences.
Bi women can’t talk about our place in overall LGBT history (because we were apparently invented in 1998) and we can’t talk about bisexual history (because that’s *spins wheel* taking the focus off the REAL radicals in the community).
Bi women have to be politically perfect all the time and have to allow people to scrutinize their personal lives and interpersonal relationships and sexual histories/traumas but it’s okay for people to not be in solidarity with us or to even offer us an ounce of empathy (and if we ask for it we’re whiny, selfish, and crying about non-issues). Bi women have to hate themselves and each other and hold each other responsible for all the world’s problems 24/7 but can never hold people responsible for biphobia.
Bi women can’t even talk about any of these things on their own blogs, in their own spaces, on their own time, with other bi women, because that’s just too much.
There really is no winning.
крик души
i could never really put my finger on it but those posts that are like "if you think you're [mspec label] but you only like being with women you're really a lesbian with comphet" never felt right to me.
like, yeah, i'm sure a lot of those people are really lesbians with comphet. i wholeheartedly support lesbians who used to id as multisexual. but a lot of them are also multisexual women who have trauma, or a general fear of men, or a strong aversion to gender roles/toxic masculinity. so this goes out to my sisters:
💗 it's ok for your attraction to men to feel very different from your attraction to women. many multisexuals experience this
💜 it's ok to be attracted to men but not want to date them. maybe you'll get over it and date men, maybe you'll just make exceptions, or maybe you won't! that's ok too
💙 it's ok to be attracted to men but only be comfortable sleeping with women. there's a million reasons why that might be. you don't have to justify it
💖 it's ok to only be attracted to a few or a couple men while being attracted to a lot of women. you're still multisexual.
💛 it's ok to have no experience being with men and thus feel much more anxious about entering relationships with them
💙 it's ok to be attracted to men but find it much easier to see a happy future with women. i'm right there with you.
💗 it's ok to feel like your attraction to men is a negative thing. you shouldn't be ashamed of your attractions, and they absolutely aren't your fault, but positively reframing it takes time and work. it's ok to have baggage.
💚 it's ok to feel like you're not your geniune self when you're attracted to men. it's hard to untangle patriarchal gender roles from how we act and see the world
💙 it's ok to only like men who aren't traditionally masculine, or aren't cishet, or who let you have more control
💖 it's ok to only be attracted to men romantically, but not sexually, and vice versa (even if you're attracted to women both romantically and sexually)
🧡💗💜 this one's gonna be controversial, but: it's also ok to be an mspec lesbian.
ya'll are so fucking valid and you don't have to incessantly question yourselves if it's stressful. you're not a "bad" or "fake" bisexual/pansexual/polysexual/multisexual for feeling this way 💖💜💛💚💙
begging bi girls to stop performatively hating themselves for their attraction to men…i know it seems like all men are trash but you certainly are not trash for being attracted to them and u absolutely deserve a loving and supportive boyfriend if u want one…u girls deserve to have ur hands held!! u deserve hugs and kisses!!!! men can be good and you, specifically, deserve that from them…ur attraction is not wrong and u will be okay i promise
seeing the lesbians in the notes of this post makes me very happy. shoutout to those of you supporting bi women by supporting their attraction to men! I see you and I’m grateful 💕
Bi women: we should have access to resources in the lgbt community even when dating men
Some of you idiots with zero brain cells or compassion : oh you want us to center your heterosexual relationship? You wanna fuck directly in the lgbt meeting? You want to force us to watch your boyfriend fuck you? Is that what you want?
Until 50 years ago the word for a bisexual woman was “lesbian”
I’m not denying that female homosexuality is a natural part of human nature and has always sexisted. There absolutely are and always have been women who are exclusively attracted to only women. The distinction that is relatively recent is the distinction between people who are different levels of attracted to women.
Which is to say, if a woman had sex with other women, the word for her was “lesbian”, regardless of her relationship to men. Until the 1970s.
So for example, in lesbian bars of the 1930s-50s, where butch/femme culture emerged (check out Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy and Madeline Davis), femmes usually tended to be married to men who financially supported them. While married to their husbands, they went to lesbian bars and had affairs with other women. Bisexual women were part of the lesbian community. When the Daughters of Bilitis, the first lesbian advocacy group in the USA, formed in 1955, a great deal of their work was helping women leave their husbands. Some of them were completely gay and locked in loveless heterosexual marriages with men they were incapable of desiring–some of them were bisexuals who were capable of love and attachment to men, but were actively pursuing relationships with women. To tell which were which would involve delving deeply into their personal thoughts and feelings, which we can only do for a few of them through this much distance and time, because they at the time didn’t think the difference between gay and bisexual women was terribly important.
Or, very rarely, we’d know they were bisexual because it actually entered the historical record. As Genny Beemyn recounts in A Queer Capital: A History of Gay Life in Washington, Part 3, the Mattachine Society’s 1965 protest against homophobic discrimination in federal employment included lesbian Lilli Vincenz walking in the picket line next to self-identified bisexual woman Judith “JD” Kuch.
The split between lesbians and bisexual women as distinct groups dates back to the 1970s, with groups like The Furies Collective, who advocated that women withdraw from male society completely–that women end all working, personal, or casual relationships with men, and with any woman who would not do so also. The Furies are often cited as a landmark in the formation of lesbian feminism and lesbian separatism, but their first newspaper proclaimed, “Lesbianism is not a matter of sexual preference, but rather one of political choice which every woman must make if she is to become woman-identified and thereby end male supremacy.“
That’s where the major division between bisexual and lesbian women came from. It wasn’t a deep interrogation of the nature of lesbian women’s desires; it was appropriation of the word “lesbian” to mean a political choice instead of a sexual orientation. It comes from the sense that the choice to work with, be friends with, or sleep with men is a choice to be complicit in women’s oppression. From this comes the idea that bisexual women are less trustworthy, less capable of truly loving other women, and less deserving of a place in lesbian society.
This attitude about bisexual women shows in personal stories of the 1970s. For example, lesbian feminist Robin Tyler recalls an argument at the 1973 West Coast Lesbian Feminist Conference, where some members wanted to remove invited musician Beth Elliot from the stage because she was a trans woman: “When Robin Morgan came out against Beth, I said to her, look, you’re bisexual and you’re up here determining who should belong to this movement and who shouldn’t?“
Then in 1979, the lesbian sex manual Sapphistry by Pat Califia was being prepared for publication when its author came out as bisexual an article for The Advocate. Its publisher immediately threatened to cancel publication of the book–a book about how women could have sex with women–because “we do not publish books by bisexual women!” (She later relented, and the book was published in 1980.)
History makes it very clear that it took active work to push bisexual women out of the lesbian community, and it hasn’t entirely stuck over the years–after all, most towns or cities don’t have a large enough LGBTQ+ population to have both a lesbian separatist potluck and a queer-friendly WLW sapphic potluck. A woman looking to date other women goes to lesbian events because that’s all there are in most places. We didn’t fight for “gay and sapphic marriage”, despite the number of bisexual women who wanted to marry other women; politically, bi women in relationships with women have always been grouped under “lesbian”, and there has been almost no push, especially not from lesbians, to popularize “sapphic” as the default descriptor for women attracted to women but with unknown sexual histories and/or personal desires.
All of you thinking bi women are all feminine gender-conforming and indistinguishable from straight women... have you ever actually met a bi woman?