bi lesbian because I prefer dating women over men and saying lesbian when asked about my preferences because it is easier to explain my attraction to women that way. bi lesbian because men are cool and awesome and I'm not opposed to dating one but liking girls is more relevant to my identity. bi lesbian because I'm bi but my attraction to women is the highlight. bi lesbian because I'm a raging dyke. bi lesbian because I'm more comfortable in lesbian spaces yet I'm still proudly bi. bi lesbian because I've only gotten crushes on women or people who thought they were women at the time. bi lesbian because I like men while being a dyke. bi lesbian because saying lesbian is easier than saying bi dyke. bi lesbian because I LOVE genderfucky people. bi lesbian because I also like genderqueer non women.

I'm bi, aspec and a lesbian.

I'm a dyke, a torta (south american spanish for lesbian/dyke, technically a slur) even.

I love women.

This survey is about gray-asexuality and grayromanticism. Anyone is invited to take it, regardless of identity. The purpose of this survey is to investigate perspectives on these identities and how they are understood.

Click here to take the survey. It will remain open until September 15th.

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as a lesbian, one of the most damaging things t*rfs have done to the lesbian community is make the centre of our sexuality our lack of attraction to men rather than our attraction to women.

that’s why they demonise bi women as much as they do. when yes, bi women have a bit of a different experience but they have a lot of experience in common with us too and the fact they are attracted to women in common with us.

bi women are not our enemy.

yes g-d yes

When you make the center of something "not X," then X is still the center of that thing. The center of my lesbian... ness? Lesbianosity? Lesbianity? Whatever. The center of the quality that makes me a lesbian is my attraction to and love of women (and multigender people with women in the mix, and the infinite other subtle variations on the theme of woman existing in the realms of gender), not... not being attracted to men.

And the thing is, right, when you make a negative thing the center of something -- "not into men," in this case -- it makes that thing negative, and it makes that thing both fragile and brittle. There are so many things about Sapphic love and lesbian relationships which are wonderful in their own right, and not only don't require this whole "no boys allowed" mentality, but suffer from its inclusion.

When you make the center of a thing "not this thing here," that fragility created by that mindset means that the complexity of humanity threatens your identity. If your lesbianosity, the quality of you that makes you a lesbian, depends on not being attracted to men, what does it do to your ego when you experience the "happens often enough that we joke about it" of hitting on a twink at a gay bar? You know?

If your lesbianism centers your love of women, then, well, whatever. You can brush that off easily, because you're not defined by not being attracted to men. But if you are... well. Fragility.

And when you shatter, your edges are sharp, you hurt people.

Plus, ugh, it's just such a fucking drag to deal with people who define themselves by what they're not. It's exhausting. It's like talking to someone who is forever stuck at the part of their teenage years where they're trying to be everything their parents aren't. Like, we get it, your parents are boring squares, but who are you, really?

Reblogging this version to chop out the passive aggressive derailing post in the notes, but I did want to expand on this slightly:

It's possible for the absence of something to be important and still not be the defining feature of an identity.

It's also worth interrogating further, if "not [X]" really IS the center of your individual relationship to an identity. Back when I identified with being a femme lesbian, my relationship to lesbianism was defined first by not dating [cis] guys, and secondarily by attraction to women.

Well, guess what? I got to college and realized trans people exist and that I was one, and that my true objection to dating men was dating STRAIGHT men and dating men as a woman, and the dysphoria that was induced by dating someone who could get me pregnant. So I came out as a bisexual trans man and mostly dated men after that. Oh, and also my high school butch "girlfriend" turned out to be a boyfriend, as did my ex-"girlfriend."

Nearly two decades later, I've ended up in a place where (1) I identify as queer and the gender of a person is not really related to whether or not I'll be attracted to them, especially because I've transitioned in a way that near-totally alleviates my dysphoria, (2) my gender is even less relevant, as I am non-binary*, (3) I've figured out I'm on the ace* spectrum somewhere, probably demisexual, and (4) I've circled back to "femme," which was the one major truth I learned out from my lesbian identity. And even that isn't totally straightforward, but it's probably the most constant facet of my gender.

My point with all that is that if you're still at your "not like my parents" stage of identity, there are probably reasons for that, and instead of lashing out at anyone who pops the bubble of that illusion, try to explore that deeper. I pushed against "not attracted" to men and realized that that it was actually dysphoria talking. Who knows what you'll find.

(*One could - and someone in the notes did - argue that some identities really do revolve around an absence or a negative. To be honest, I'm not convinced that this principle generalizes to every identity ever, certainly not in the same way anyway, but it is also possible to center an absence as a positive rather than a negative. For example, sometimes in my vast gender chaos, I connect deeply with the feeling of an absence of gender. But that doesn't mean I'm against people who have a gender identity - that would be absurd and also set me up against myself at other times. Rather, my absence of gender is a time I celebrate as a time when I can focus on other aspects of just being a person. My ace-ness allows me to center on the other facets of my relationships. It's really not hard to flip an "absence" type of identity into a positive, but if you absolutely cannot do that, that's something you should look at as well. Your identity should be never be "running from [X]" but rather "I don't experience [X] and that leaves room for me to center other things in my life, including other people who don't experience [X]")

my friend had a dream and they dreamed about an aspec meme, and all she could remember was, “aspec bitches be obsessed with friendship, my little pony type beat,” and i thought you all would enjoy

yeah that checks out

everyone give a little love to queer girls. 

to lesbian girls, because your love for women is wonderful and it’s okay to not be into men, it’s okay to go outside those norms that the patriarchy sets for you. i love you.

 to mspec girls, because it’s okay to love multiple genders, you’re not confused and you’re not greedy and i know you don’t fall in love with every single person you meet, and because it’s okay to be attracted to men, it doesn’t make you any less queer or any less feminist. i love you. 

to trans girls, because-guess what-you’re fucking amazing girls. no matter your gender expression. no matter your body. you say you’re a girl? you’re a girl now, and you are rocking it. i love you.

to demigirls and genderfluids and nonbinary girls, because even if you don’t feel 100% a girl you can still feel connected to your femininity. bitches say you’re not real, but what do they know. i love you.

to ace, aro, and aspec girls, because it’s okay if you don’t want sex or relationships. you’re not broken. you can have a romance without sex, or no romance at all, and your life can be good, and you’re not withholding anything from anyone. i love you.

basically just… give a little love to queer girls for daring to defy what people say a woman should be, for defining your femininity in a different way than the patriarchy tells you to. 

had a good end to a therapy session today and i’m gonna type this out because i could have really benefited from reading something like this months ago:

there is no wrong way to experience romantic or physical attraction. it’s okay if you don’t feel butterflies or intense passion for a potential partner. it’s okay if your heart doesn’t beat like crazy when their texts pop up or when you hear their voice. if you’ve been treated badly by people who were supposed to love you in the past, you might even mistake certain feelings and sensations for love, when it’s actually your fight or flight kicking in. feeling anxious and flustered is not a necessary indication of chemistry or compatibility. it’s okay if you just feel calm and safe with a partner. love and relationships are allowed to be boring, and that doesn’t make them any less real or sustaining.

and while i’m at it…if you’re romantically inexperienced, you shouldn’t feel guilty for having specific needs in a relationship. you are allowed to know what you want without any tangible experience, and that is also allowed to change as you gain more experience.

i felt so much guilt about making my ex “wait” so long for my emotional walls to start coming down, without knowing how I’d feel once i was actually in a relationship. i didn’t want her to feel like my guinea pig. but you know what i realized after some healing and meeting someone more aligned with my values? we’re all guinea pigs. that’s literally what relationships are. we try them and we learn what we need and how we can improve from the ones that don’t work, and then we try again with someone new. as long as you’re upfront about your needs/boundaries, or not knowing what your needs/boundaries are, that’s what’s important. everyone, no matter how many partners they’ve had in the past, is learning, and that process does not end.

but if you do know what you want out of a relationship, don’t let anyone convince that you that you don’t just because you lack the first-hand experience. you’re not naive or childish because of inexperience (chances are you’ve learned a lot from watching others navigate relationships). and you also shouldn’t be patronized for wanting the experiences you never got to have when you were younger. especially if you’re queer, we’re all retracing those formative years anyway.

literally anyone who makes you feel remotely ashamed of your inexperience or how you feel attraction, show them the door because they are not meant for you. partners who are more understanding and validating exist and they are worth waiting for.

this post really hit home for me. thank you. i appreciate this

Bi / ace-flux moodboard for anon, 2/2

Aceflux Moodboard ! This is a little nerve-wracking for me because after years of not understanding this part of my identity i finally have a word for it so here goes… I’m Aceflux !!

aceflux bisexual women are wonderful and deserve so much more positivity than they are given!

aw thank you!

Punk aspec pride

Asexual, aromantic, agender, and everything in between: y’all are magnificent people. Be proud of who you are because you are amazing <3 // Aspec pride flag made by the lovely @aromagni​ // For all the aspec folk, punk or otherwise, who don’t care about aphobes and their useless opinions. Also based off the fact that my latest catch phrase to bigots is “die mad” bc I don’t care about their opinions and neither should you! Free to use with credit ^^

might fuck around and make another queer positivity blog but for gray asexuals

it is done

might fuck around and make another queer positivity blog but for gray asexuals

One reason that I am so passionate about aromantic and asexual people being included in discussions about the queer community is because we are so few in number.

It is so gosh darn difficult to find other ace and aro people irl. We’re a small community that mostly connects through the internet because we are a small percentage of the population and not that many people know about us yet. So, most of the support we get irl is from gay, bi/pan, and trans people. Not other ace and aro people.

I have two irl asexual friends now, but for the first six years I was out as ace I had none. Maybe an online person here or there, but no physical presence. Nobody to eat lunch with or vent to or hug when things got bad. Instead, the support I got was from my gay and bi friends. They supported me, and I supported them in return. The very first person I ever came out as asexual to was a gay guy I was friends with at the time.

He was there for me and I was there for him in return. He was relieved to find out I was ace actually, because that made me another queer person he could talk to. And soon after I connected with several bi and pan people at my high school. We were able to stand up for each other, get things done, relate to each other.

Including ace and aro people in the queer community means giving ace and aro people a support system. A safe space. An opportunity to relate and be related to. To love and be loved. To protect and be protected. When you’re already included by default it’s easy to sit in your leather wing backed chair in your ivory tower and say “Well these people should just form their own community.” but in reality that just doesn’t work.

Ace and aro people will always have their own community, yes. But also lesbians will have their own community. Trans people will have their own community. Gay men will have their own community, bi people, pan people, non binary people, the list goes on. But all the people in those communities can form one super group that relates, that supports each other. That unites under the umbrella of “not totally cis and hetero at the same time”.

It’s a support system that ace and aro people desperately need. We have bad and good experiences because of our orientation, many of which other queer people can relate to. We see the rest of the community and go “Same hat!!!” and feel a little less alone. And yeah. That includes heteroromantic aces and heterosexual aros. They need that support too, because believe it or not, heteronormative society isn’t kind to them either. They understand a lot more than you think. They’re not trying to join because it’s trendy. They get that same hat feeling just like you and I.

Don’t be rude in the notes please. I won’t be debating.

Where is my mspec ace bf that will date me in order to achieve the truest form of mlm wlw solidarity?