FUCK YEAH, M!HAWKE & FENRIS!

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Here’s your gift

for a request of fenris meeting hawke’s family during xmas time!! Its the foreign bf thing. pt 1??? There may be more ;o

미리메리크리스마스🎄

Merry Early Christmas doodle

Lyrium boyfriend Christmas edition!

Longing for all my missing files that’s inside my old hard disk, plus the pic just now, like Fenris being constantly reminded for three years by that favour. /dramallama

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The elf was drunk and alone in the mansion that did not belong to his former master. He lazily pushed an empty bottle and watched it roll away with the musical sound of glass against stone. There were many things Fenris wished he could forget, but he had learned long ago that no amount of alcohol poisoning would allow him that blessing. There was only the Void of The Time Before The Ritual and the catalog of Everything That Happened After, in the elf’s mind.

Fenris did not forget, not anymore, because to forget would mean losing himself all over again. He held every memory, every abuse, every sin, dread, and fear close with a tight iron fist. It was better than being lost. A lost elf could easily become a slave, once again.

He could feel his ears and face prickling with warm sparks, a mildly dizzying heat, so Fenris slowly slid down onto the cool stone floor. He pressed his cheek against the smooth, dark slate, olive skin kissing the tiles with warmth.

Carefully, so carefully, Fenris unwound the red favor from around his wrist. He laid it out gently in front of his eyes, glaring at it suspiciously.

He had never wanted to forget anything as much as that night with Hawke.

Even the agony of the ritual, the guilt and remorse he felt over killing the Fog Warriors… he did not wish to forget them. Those events, while terrible, were the price of his freedom, and he would not further sully the memory of those who had paid the price for his escape by forgetting them. Even if he could never atone, he would remember. He would remember each and every face of theirs until he died.

Yet even that bloody, distant night in Seheron seemed far away compared to the night he’d shared with Hawke.

Every touch they’d traded, every sweet word whispered in secret, Fenris could feel it all with a clarity that bordered on agonizing. It had been the best night of his life, for a few short hours, he thought he was truly free—only to be shown how fragile that perceived freedom really was.

He had remembered everything, his name, his family, his life. For the briefest moment, half a heartbeat, Fenris had known everything, he’d been complete, Fenris and the elf he was before Fenris came into being. For that one moment, he had his entire life in his hands, and then it slipped away, leaving him lost and alone in the dark once more.

It left him feeling empty, stricken with grief and fear.

Too similar to coming to with lines of fire covering his body, and no sense of who or where he was.

Fenris still remembered snatches, but they were vague, indistinct—things that haunted him at the edges of the Fade.

He couldn’t stay, not when he risked losing his identity again, and he wished he could forget the tender words Hawke had whispered, the loving murmurs, and gentle sighs.

Fenris could still count the number of kisses Hawke pressed to his wrist before gently tying the favor there. He remembered how many times he’d called out the other’s name.

Fenris remembered how long his heart stopped beating when Hawke said, ‘I love you.’

He pressed his cheek against the edge of the scarlet cloth. Sometimes he thought it would be easier if he could just throw the scrap of fabric onto the fire, as if it would burn away everything that had happened that night. He could feel the human’s hands on his body, caressing him with care and desire. The elf pressed the favor to his lips, a pale, pitiful substitute for kissing Hawke.

Worst of all, Fenris remembered how much he wanted all of it, how much he still wanted it.

Fenris knew he could not have that night ever again. All he would have was the memory and Hawke’s favor.

And that was something he could not forget.

After all these years I'm still figuring out the first night.

Little by little new details keep coming up.

Yeah, originally it was a hard pill to swallow, and I had to break this episode into small bits to come to terms with it and find the right words. It left me with such an uneasy feeling back in the day...

Even now thinking too hard on Fenris's state messes me up. It's depressing.

So we have this moment which then evolves into this

Before the actual smut takes place...

Fenris kisses Hawke passionately. This entire scene is supposed to run on passion, yeah, but I don't really do well with passion. I sense something else.

Fenris came to Hawke specifically to fuck. This is not happening in the spur of the moment after he'd just killed Hadriana, he had the time to decide that he wanted this, wanted to give himself to Hawke.

Why?

Perhaps confronting his past tormentor made him reflect on everything that happened since he'd escaped. Perhaps it occured to him that if he gave himself belonged to Hawke Danarius wouldn't ever be able to get him. Perhaps, as Hawke was kissing him Fenris couldn't help thinking to himself "I want to be yours, no one else's". Couldn't help it and hated himself for it because that's definitely not how he wants to live, what he wants to be. And he must have had some very intense and frustrating thought processes running in his head, and they were driving him mad, and he tried to silence them and distracted himself by kissing Hawke harder and urging him to touch him more straightforwardly, to just take him already. Because Hawke is strong, reliable, warm and safe, and Fenris is a cat.

Thinking about how Hawke feels here is depressing as well. He doesn't really want what is about to happen, at least not like this. He is very empathic, and he feels that Fenris is still under a lot of stress. The encounter with Hadriana made a real mess of him, even if he tries to hide it. Their relationship has always been about emotional connection, not physical stuff. Hawke wants to hold Fenris and assure him that he'll be by his side if/when his enemies come for him again, that he won't ever have to fight them alone.

But right now Fenris wants something else, something immediate. If it makes him feel better, Hawke will give it to him, but he'll do his best to smooth the process.

Fenris's kisses are hard, urgent, desperate. Hawke wants to calm him down, so he tries to counter that aggressive energy with slow soft kisses, caressing his skin and stroking his hair. And there's more nuzzling than actual kissing. He tries to smile and in a low soothing voice asks Fenris to slow down, assuring him that there's no need to rush because they have all the time in the world. They are free to do whatever they want, however they want, for as long as they want.

This helps a little, and Fenris doesn't feel so desperate anymore. Hawke is pretty good at grounding him. Hawke kisses him again, then asks to wait while he stands up to retrieve a bottle of oil from the armoir.

It doesn't really matter but I gotta put it somewhere. The bottle is fancy, of Orlesian make, full and previously unopened. A memento of the past. Sometime after the expedition when he could afford to bye things just for the heck of it, Hawke saw it at the Blooming rose stand during a quest, recognised the brand, bought it, and it remained locked away as a fond memory.

When Hawke rejoins Fenris on the bed, he looks him in the eye and whispers I care about you, because sometimes it feels like Fenris does not seriously consider it and he must know. And Hawke's got to talk about feelings before getting on with physical activities

And I guess this is it.

Then they finally get to the real smut part.

Guess I just really want to make myself more miserable digging deeper into this.

But I do believe that these new details could contribute to Fenris's decision to leave.

Because at some point he starts questioning just what it is that he feels for Hawke. They have a genuine friendship, trust and respect each other, enjoy being together, but the notion that Fenris could view Hawke as some sort of a "shield" to solve his problems does not sit well with him. He can't let their relationship go further like that. It's not fair towards Hawke, he deserves better.

The identity crysis is still a thing, of course, and Fenris can't enter such an intimate relationship when he doesn't even really know himself.

Ugh, this is so painful and i can't think.

Nice elf.

Fenris Appreciation Month Day 2

merry christmas you filthy animal

Free him.

Art trade with @disturbed-katten 

U wanted something Christmasy and ah what could be more Christamsy then ugly sweaters?

 I hope this is ah acceptable ! More coming soon!

Christmas reupload and the clean version :) 

hightown mornings