An Update on Me (9/7/2020)

tw ////////// stay safe lovelies 💕

// depression, crying, death, COVID, me being a complete fucking mess

If there is anything to know about me, it's that I love cats. I have four, two girls in my house and a girl and a boy in my yard. The other day, I met a little kitten, who took to me immediately. He cuddled up to my chest and dozed off in my arms. Even after putting him back with the litter, he came marching right back to me. Something about this little fella reminded me of someone who I hold near and dear to my heart, my teacher.

A few months ago, I planned on visiting this teacher, but due to the weather, I decided against it. "I'll visit him in the spring," I told myself, hopeful that the weather would be nice and the days, sunnier. Fast forward to the spring of 2020, and that teacher passed away suddenly. He was admitted into the hospital. His kidneys were failing, and COVID may or may not have played a role in his death. I was completely heartbroken to have lost such a vital soul. This teacher meant so much to me. He and I would share lengthy conversations after school about anything and everything. He genuinely cared about my well-being; I wasn't just another student to grade. He was like that with everyone. He was friendly and notorious for sharing jolly ranchers with everyone. He always had a huge bag of those sweeties and shared them out. He even joked about being a "sugar daddy" the true meaning of the word, unbeknownst to him. That was a fun day. 

Now back to the little kitten. From the moment I held him in my arms, I decided it would only be appropriate to name him after my teacher; so I did. I felt like I was finally able to heal and move on. I spent about a week taking care of him. I fed him, gave him milk, he even spent the better half of afternoons curled up in my embrace and sleeping.

Last night, however, I was forced to give him away. Honestly, I cradled that stinky little bugger in my arms for hours before he was taken away from me. Now, I call him "stinky" because after one of his naps he woke up and proceeded to take a shit on me, haha. Even though I am a complete clean freak and a certified germaphobe, it didn't bother me any more than it would the average person. I just felt the overwhelming urge to take care of him, which I did. After cleaning him up, he curled up to me and went right back to sleep.

I am happy to announce that my little buddy has a new home with a little sister to keep him company. The only problem is, giving him away was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I feel like there is physically a hole in my heart. I miss him more than words could describe. I know this may sound a bit dramatic, but it felt like giving away my child.

If you somehow made it to the end of this long rant, thank you for sticking around. I've just been so depressed as of late, I feel like I needed to say something. I've scrubbed my eyes raw of tears, cried myself to sleep and even woke up crying. I'm actually a mess. I really miss my little anchor, and I'm currently just struggling to find a reason to be happy because I don't feel like I have one anymore. I am, however, trying to stay strong for my Tumblr family. You all have made me smile when everything else has torn me down, so I thank you for that. I'm not going to lie, I do need a bit of love.