Pardon, but your tie is not symmetrical.

Doc Ock shenanigans

goddd i just want spider-man's identity to be his own worst but new york city's best kept secret. like i want him unthinkingly taking off his mask and like 20 people see, but if you ask them if they did? no they didn't.

the rule is unwritten, but very enforced. like, there are online communities dedicated to erasing any trace of the spread of his identity. a tourist takes a photo of him and posts it online? it's gone in minutes, and people send DMs to the poster anywhere from "hey, i'm sure you were just excited, but...." to "ill kill u if i evr c you, fuckin bitch".

any information on spider-man is only spread via word of mouth, and only spoken in hushed, awed voices. after several years of spider-man, everyone knows someone who encountered him:

"he saved my cousin. caught a falling billboard from underneath with his bare hands..."

"wow... i've never seen him myself, but he talked to my coworker's daughter for an hour after he stopped a guy from getting a little too handsy. apparently, his smile is 'dreamy'."

these secrets are freely given if you're kind, trustworthy, and show respect for the little guy. but the moment you demand information on him... "i don't know what you're talking about, buddy. he's just an urban legend the news likes to blame the city's problems on so we don't unionize or worse"

so as many times as spider-man ends up with out a mask, or accidentally introduces himself with a name that starts with 'p' and rhymes with 'meter'... on the record, they don't know a thing. because he does his best to help as many people as he can, so it's only fair if they help him a little in return.

I understand the appeal of wanting every adult hero to instinctively adopt teenage Peter Parker, but can it really beat the hilarity of acknowledging that at 15 Peter was 5'10", unusually buff, went by a moniker with Man in it, wore a creepy full face mask, and had a tightly guarded secret identity and probably a Queens accent thick enough to have come out of a jello mold, and adult heroes reasonably responded to him by going, “Wow, this grown man is an immature asshole for no reason.”

Way funnier to me than adult heroes finding out Peter is a teenager and becoming Concerned is the idea of adult heroes Retroactively finding out Peter Was a teenager because he admits to being like. 22 and they’re like “Hang on you’ve been doing this for like. Seven years.” and he’s like “Haha crazy right? Anyway it’s too late for you to yell at me about that because the statue of limitations on that lecture ran out when I turned 18”

YEAH this trope is instantly more tolerable if it’s fully adult Peter being like, *listen up whippersnappers because I’ve been around the block voice* “I’m thirty, and—” and Tony Stark, who vaguely assumed Spider-Man is maybe two years older than him because he just has that energy and hasn’t reassessed this for four presidential terms, is like, *drunkenly doing math* “You’re how many”

Okay but…them trying to talk about Old People Stuff with him, not realizing that he wasn’t alive to remember xyz thing happening, never used xyz technology bc he didn’t exist yet, not expecting him to agree with the fact that some ppl were saying songs they grew up to were oldies, etc

The thing about Peter Parker is that he was raised by senior citizens the way other heroes are raised by wolves. He has the body of an Olympic gymnast and the soul of a malcontented geriatric. This likely contributed to the perpetuation of the accidental ruse.

It’s when he channels Aunt May so hard he makes it sound like he was personally and immediately affected by McCarthyism that the time traveler fringe theory starts really picking up bets.

Pal, I JUST SAID he was raised by AUNT MAY.

Also not to get real on a ha ha comic post but the elderly are not your enemy. There are old progressives.

Peter has a lot of feelings about the woman that discovered DNA and he strikes me as the kind of person that thinks that distancing yourself from notable figures of history by using their last names is stupid, so he’s going to say something like, “Rosalind worked so fucking hard to have that work snatched from her,” immediately followed by, “I woulda thumped him good,” and inspiring Tony and Banner to frantically look through the 1930s and 40s yearbooks at King’s College and theorize which one was Spider-Man. Captain America tries reminiscing about the good ole days with him. Peter, for his part, has been absently agreeing and making vague “I’m listening” noises about the Rolling Stones and Elton John for the majority of his life, so adding baseball, Duke Ellington, and Ella Fitzgerald to the list wasn’t that much of a stretch.

There are only like three genuinely funny additions on this, but this is one of them.

captain america pushing a get out the vote campaign: ‘spiderman did you vote’

spider’man’ at 16: uhhhh so about that 

“I…can’t.” “I see. That’s why it’s so important to restore voting rights to felons.”

That’s made funnier by the fact that I feel like Steve’s natural assumption would be that Spiderman’s a non-citizen, so him jumping straight to felon is like, Peter just has such strong criminal vibes.

Steve: What’d you go in for?

Peter, panicking: Jaywalking!

Steve: This prison pipeline needs to stop.

[ID 1: an anonymous ask, saying "so what you're saying is that Peter voted Trump". /end ID].

[ID 2: a comic panel showing Aunt May, an old, white lady, in a pink and purple costume, hitting a police officer over the head with a wooden cane or stick. The police officer tries to parry, saying: "Please, Ma'am - I'm only doing my job." She answers: "And I'm doing mine! Now step aside!!" /end ID].

[ID: a picture of Doc Ock (Alfred Molina) from "Spider-Man 2" (2004). He's an older, fat, white man with short brown-red-ish hair, bangs falling down to his eyes. He's wearing a dark, open leather coat, metal around his waist, four metal tentacles coming from his back, sunglasses and dark pants. The picture is captioned: "The first thing I look at in a man is his heart. The fact that his tits are in front of his heart is not my fault" (heart, tits and front are written in red, 'not my fault' is in all caps). /end ID].

[image description: a 3-way venn diagram between deadpool, eddie brock/venom, and spiderman (the photo used is andrew garfield). The intersection between deadpool and eddie is “constantly arguing with the voices in their head”. Deadpool and spiderman both have a read suit, and spiderman and venom both have a spider symbol. All three of them are queer, which is written in rainbow font. End ID]

[image description: a 3-way venn diagram between deadpool, eddie brock/venom, and spiderman (the photo used is andrew garfield). The intersection between deadpool and eddie is “constantly arguing with the voices in their head”. Deadpool and spiderman both have a read suit, and spiderman and venom both have a spider symbol. All three of them are queer, which is written in rainbow font. End ID]

@piratesangel well, you did ask politely…😂😂😂

Follow up to this

[ID: a black and white, digital, four panel comic, showing Doc Ock talking to The Green Goblin, Norman Osborn (who's offscreen). Doc Ock's wearing a half open bathrobe, showing off his chest, and drinking from a cup with the words "#1 Dilf" on it. Doc Ock is answering a question by Norman: "Yeah, Norman, I am drinking out of that mug. Peter gave it to me, and I do happen to be fond of it." Norman asks: "Otto, do you have any idea what what Dilf means?" Doc Ock continues drinking, saying: "No, why?" Norman answers: "It means Dad I'd like to fuck", making Doc Ock splutter and spit out his coffee, blushing all over.

The last panel shows Doc Ock, standing in front of Peter Parker's door, arms crossed, bare chested. Peter looks out of the door, asking: "Doc? What are you doing there? It's 7 am. I only just went to bed two hours ago... (in a smaller font) Wait, why are you covered in coffee?" Doc Ock asweres: "Peter Parker, is there something you need to tell me?" Peter blushes too, only muttering: "Um..." The comic is signed "morelikedoccock". /end ID].

like walking with a ghost

[ID: a digital drawing of Doc Ock and The Green Goblin from Marvel's "Spider-Man: No way home" (2021). Doc Ock only wears dark trousers, sunglasses, and his mechanic tentacles . His naked back is facing the viewer and he's looking at The Green Goblin who's wearing the lower part of his costume and a ribbed undershirt. He's smirking at Doc Ock, who's gaze lies on Green Goblin's cleavage or chest. The Green Goblin has one arm around Doc Ock, his hand lying on Doc Ock's hip. /end ID].

Why does everyone think that when they get superpowers they have to either be a villain or a hero or use their powers for some cause. FUCK THAT. I’m using my telekinesis to get chores done. I’m using my water breathing abilities to dress as a creepy mermaid and scare the fuck out of surfers. Man, I don’t have time to develop a moral code or goal. My powers will be used to spice up my life and the lives of everyone around me in minor ways whether y’all like it or not. 

Hey, OP, I know you’re busy spicing up your life, but your aunt called: apparently your uncle was supposed to come home after dropping you off near the wrestling arena, but he hasn’t even called, do you know where he is?

[Image ID: a picture of Tobey McGuire’s Peter Parker, crying. /End ID]

Spider-Man 2 (2004) dir. Sam Raimi

@ca1ibrate suggested this (and @lioness–hart seconded the idea) and I… well, I got a little carried away🏴‍☠️🩺🐙

I love the subtlety on Otto’s face when he realizes that Tom’s Peter Parker isn’t his Peter Parker

@phantomxqueen

This is what I immediately thought when I saw that one shot of Otto in the new trailer... I love the confused/sarcastic expression he's making but he needs his tits out and I added a little more sass for flavor✨

Happy Halloween!!

some quick stuff from a few days ago !

the more i think about mcu spider-man the more i don’t like mcu spider-man

like mcu twink peter will never have the depth of our friendly neighborhood spider-man. literally any time they try and make spider-man super cool with access to a ton of sick tech and everything i start to really lose interest. the appeal of spider-man to me is that he’s like just some guy who happens to have super powers. like you could just hang out with this dude. the “bigger” they make him the more he loses that.

actually i’m gonna elaborate on this further because spider-verse did this but they did it well and with purpose.

the peter from miles’ dimension was super over the top, kinda larger than life. as pointed out by peter b. several times. however unlike other times they’ve done this it wasn’t just to try and make spider-man look cool, it was all a part of miles’ narrative. miles was given huge shoes to fill and they used this as a tool to portray how small miles felt compared to peter.

but the difference between miles and mcu peter is that miles didn’t need any of that to become the spider-man he is today. one of his main role models in the film is peter b. who’s broke and off his game, but still manages to do amazing things.

that’s the appeal of spider-man. is that anyone can make a difference, no matter where you’re at in your life you can still be incredible.

Good comment via the person I reblogged from.

I think it’s interesting that the scene from the end of The Amazing Spider-Man with the eggs is being put forward as the pinnacle of Spider-Man cinema – and I agree, for the record – because I don’t think people know how hard that scene got dragged when Homecoming was released. I’m fairly sure one of Homecoming’s six screenwriters said something negative about it, although I can’t currently find the article where I saw it, but if you check out this review of Spider-Man Homecoming you’ll see something along the same lines: “No one wants to watch May chide Peter for forgetting the eggs when there’s way more interesting superhero stuff to get to.”

Right, except I do, because the eggs in The Amazing Spider-Man were always there to remind the audience that Peter’s great responsibility exists outside of his identity as Spider-Man as well as within it – he has a responsibility to his aunt! Even over something as simple as bringing home the eggs he’d previously forgotten to get! It’s meaningful because it shows us that responsibility is a multi-layered, multifaceted aspect of both Peter Parker and Spider-Man and something that is baked into the character, not just the costume. That he shows up beaten to hell, having played a large part in keeping New York from becoming lizard people, with his girlfriend’s father’s blood probably still on him, and that he pulls the world’s most busted package of like 100% broken eggs out of his backpack because he promised his aunt he would pick up eggs and that she embraces him is so important! And it got mercilessly dragged as not being exciting or cool enough! Not being enough of a superhero scene! TASM’s Aunt May of the absolutely incredible “You’re my boy and I won’t hurt you” scene got called dowdy and not fun and pathetic because she was “just waiting at home for the eggs”! And it drove me absolutely crazy! Justice for Peter treating May like she’s his mom and the most important person in the world to him and knowing he has a responsibility to her! Justice for the little humanizing elements that make Spider-Man ultimately a relatable story! Justice for the eggs scene!

One of the larger than life things that MCU Spider-Man badly remade is Peter’s identity getting revealed.

This was one of the best scenes in the movie’s franchise history:

Peter passes out after stopping the train and saving everyone in it, and gets carried by the passengers inside.

The juxtaposition of the superhero being saved by the people he almost died to help and repaying his kindness with a promise that his secret is safe. That’s the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man the MCU could never conceive.