What better way to confess to your crush than by tracing “I love you” onto their back during a routine maintenance session?

Wait a minute if elves take a hundred years to grow up that has some weird implications.

So… if we say a human comes of age in fantasy worlds at 16, that means it takes an elf 6.25 years to age one human year. If we say the age of maturity is 18 that’s 5.55 years.

So then… okay with people that live a long time have to see their human friends die and probably see them like pets yeah that’s been explored to death. But what about a human just seeing their friend not grow up?

An elf toddler and a human toddler become friends at a playdate. At the time the human is two and the elf is 13. Emotionally the elf is just a little older than the human. But then the human grows up. He grows up and as he grows up his friend doesn’t. Not much, anyways.

She’s still sucking her thumb and throwing tantrums the entire time that he grows up. When he reaches the age where he’d choose a trade or go to an academy he’s earning extra money by babysitting her. During his initiation into adulthood on his 18th birthday she’s there with her parents holding a stuffed animal. Later that afternoon he sees her being shown some colorful flashcards with letters of the elvish alphabet on it by her father.

The human gets older. He learns how to fight, he goes from town to town getting work. At some point he joins the army. Every time he visits his hometown he has at least one more scar and by the time he’s 30 and the elf girl is mentally seven by human standards she starts to understand that something is wrong. Even after he settles down to be a home maker for the local blacksmith something feels wrong.

And she watches him grow old. When she’s in her 80s she babysits his grandchildren for extra cash after school, coming over in her school robes and ruffling his hair. She doesn’t remember why she became friends with this human or when but a strange sense of jealousy fills her heart.

Now she realizes it. She realizes it too late, on the day her friend learns that he is dying. The first day of her 100th year and the start of his last. Humans’ lifetimes may only last for the childhood of an elf if they’re lucky, but they learn so fast. They do so much. They cram their days full of love and hate and learning and wonder.

He knew this was coming. He knew all of this decades before she did, because elves are slow. Not stupid, certainly not stupid, but very very slow. She holds her old friend’s hand as he lays down on his bed. A man that has led such an ordinary life but feels so extraordinary to her. Because he has always, always been there and now he just won’t. Because in her eyes he became so wise so fast and now he’s just gonna be gone.

On an elf’s 100th birthday they are allowed to choose a new name for themselves. It can be important, or not. Usually it will follow them until the end of time. She stands in front of her family’s elders and is asked what name she will be called from now on.

She names herself after him.

the playlist nasa made for opportunity is actually making me cry like

N O

nO YOU’RE NOT ALONE

😱😭😭😭😭😞

i hope brian may knows that nasa played “keep yourself alive” on mars to try and wake opportunity up

They did?

https://www.google.com/amp/s/qz.com/quartzy/1356076/nasas-playlist-of-wakeup-songs-for-opportunity-the-mars-rover/amp/

Yes they did. Fuck me I’m really crying like hell

OH MY FUCKING GOD

In other news, this is actually a bomb playlist to wake up to in the morning…

Auld Lang Syne

Dumbledore can forgive a few absences in Christmas but the staff are required to attend at least the New Year dinner held a few hours before midnight.

They were free to floo back to their families at roughly 9 to prepare but not many staff bother with it. 

“So what’s your new years resolution as a new head of house and professor, Severus?” Minerva asked her youngest colleague. The young slytherin was barely older than his NEWT and she had her doubts about him but Albus set her straight.

“I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolution, professor.” He scowled and took a swig of firewhiskey. “I believe change can occur in any day of the year and when it does it’s gradual. You don’t just get up in the morning, in this case, the new year and decide to change yourself.” 

“I couldn’t have said it better myself!” Albus joyously said and Minerva saw Snape wince into his glass. Albus was quick to refill the young man’s glass and Minerva felt like she missed something.

“Ah, but there is something else though, something I know will catch your interest, my boy.” Dumbledore smiled benignly, Severus narrowed his eyes at the Headmaster.

“What is it?” Minerva knew exactly what Albus was talking about and she raised her brow at him.

“You see, the staff has a bet going on. You say a New Year’s resolution, something silly, nothing too deep or profound, and do your best to uphold your resolution. The one who can reach the next new year without breaking their resolution wins!” 

“What will the winner get?” 

Filius weaseled his way into the conversation. “The betting pool changes yearly, you see, and nobody really knows how much you’ll win by now. We stopped counting years ago.

Severus gaped. “What?”

Flitwick chuckled at the young man, “You see, nobody has ever made it one year without breaking their resolution so the prize just keeps on getting higher. The longest one was with Pomona, she lasted eleven months.”

“The bet is a bit like the DADA post though it is far less…damaging, shall we say, to the individuals involved.” Albus said merrily.

Severus blinked at his former professors. They seem to be waiting for him to ask the question, he was tempted to let things be and deprive them of their joy but his curiosity was stronger. “What was her resolution?”

“Oh Pomona, what was your resolution the year you almost won our little bet?” Severus felt himself gape once again as he saw Flitwick shout and wave over Sprout who was talking with Hagrid. Her face changed so quickly.

“Don’t you go corrupting Severus with your lies, Filius.” Sprout stomped over to them and Severus wondered if his firewhiskey was spiked by some hallucinogenic drug. Albus continued twinkling.

“Pomona, said that she wo-” There was a hand silencing Flitwick.

Minerva chuckled at her colleagues, “You see Severus, Pomona bet Filius that she wouldn’t use one of her favorite-” Minerva suddenly had a hand on he mouth as well. 

Dumbledore chuckled and pulled Severus to him and whispered to his ear. Just when Pomona thought she had the situation handled-

“Professor Sprout uses that word!?” All his years at Cokeworth and he thought he heard it all. Who knew the Head of Hufflepuff had such a filthy mouth.

“And many others!” Flitwick laughed.

“Becuase your resolutions are so clean, Filius-”

Severus put down his glass and decided he had enough to drink for the night. This was surely a hallucination, please make it so-

Before anything could escalate, Dumbledore grabbed everyone and began to sing.

Should old acquaintance be forgot, 

and never brought to mind? 

Should old acquaintance be forgot, 

and old lang syne?

After the mess with the ministry, the Dark Lord has become more harsher to his Death Eaters. Severus was brooding yet again in the New Year’s dinner and Albus approached him. 

“Enjoy the festivities Severus, it’s not everyday you get to celebrate new beginnings.” The damned twinkle was in Albus’ eyes and he wanted to scream.

Severus was still stinging with all the secrets Albus kept from him and he was no mood to humor the old man so he rolled his eyes and took another sip of his firewhiskey.

Albus, seeing that he was getting no where with Severus, changed tactics.

“So, what will your New Year’s Resolution be this year then, Severus?”

Snape scowled and downed the remaining alcohol in his glass before giving Albus his harshest glare.

“I promise not to kill your meddlesome self, Headmaster.”

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup! 

and surely I’ll buy mine! 

And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,

 for auld lang syne.

Being Headmaster of Hogwarts was tiring, doubly so when he needs to make sure the Carrows don’t  suspect him and his true allegiances.

His hands were shaking as they lifted the glass to his mouth.

“You can’t continue to ignore me, Severus.”

Even as a damn portrait, Albus is still his meddling self. There were no betting pools, no staff grapevines, no chats in the staff room. Not since he returned to Hogwarts to claim the position of Headmaster. 

New beginnings his ass.

He can sense the disapproval from the many frames behind him but he just can’t bring himself to care. Not now.

Who knew he’d feel this sentimental? So much for the cold and soulless Death Eater image he maintained.

“Severus, please.” Albus pleaded and Severus had enough. The reminder of the Headmaster’s final words to him was too much. He slammed his glass down and turned around to face the portrait.

“You put me here, in this position. The least you can do is allow me break once in awhile in the safety of this office.” Severus sighed and tried to get himself together. “Your spy will be fine in a few minutes, I just need to be alone for awhile.”

As he stood up, Snape paused. He grabbed a piece of parchment and scribbled while Albus did his best to read what he’d written. He placed the the parchment on the warded desk and placed several galleons on top of it. Albus was torn as he contemplated Severus’ resolution for this year.

“I promise to make sure Voldemort is truly vanquished this year or die trying.” 

We two have run about the slopes,

 and picked the daisies fine; 

But we’ve wandered many a weary foot, 

since auld lang syne.

Hogwarts has been repaired and Minerva has just returned to her office after the staff party. It was quiet and she missed the old days where all of them can be silly and drunk in the privacy of the staff room and privacy charms.

She took out the parchment she showed the others during the party. 

“We’ve concluded that you’ve won the bet, Severus.” She said at the portrait.

“I didn’t last a year. In more ways than one.” He drawled.

Minerva looked at him scoldingly. It was too soon to be reminded of that. It would always be too soon. “But you did fulfill it.”

“I am still wondering why we are discussing this, as you can see, I am a portrait and have no use for the prize no matter how big it is.” The portrait rolled his eyes and Minerva smirked.

“You see, the staff and I were just discussing that and we figured out what to do with all that galleons.”

“I’m waiting with baited breath.”

“We’ve finally found your will. Someone should not have put so many wards and hexes in his belongings.” She mocked glared at him, “We found your will and I am glad to say that your vaults will be used by Hogwarts to help the students who are less fortunate, the books you’ve written will now be used as the standard potions text now that you’re a celebrated war hero royalties from that including your patented potions will go directly to the scholarship program. All anonymous as you wished it. Your winnings will be added to that and the staff and I agreed that in a few years we can maybe support a couple of gifted students for their potion masteries. That one will not be anonymous.”

Severus blinked and opened his mouth to protest but Albus was suddenly in his frame and hugging him.

“Oh Severus. New beginnings are so beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Unhand me, old man!”

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere!

 and gie’s a hand o’ thine! 

And we’ll tak’ a right gude-willie waught,

 for auld lang syne.

Minerva shook her head at the portraits.

It’s a new year and a new beginning once more. Change can occur gradually and it doesn’t need any special occasions as she wisely heard before. But special occasions can push someone to be their best and she was going to make sure that students from this new era will experience a better life than those before them.

“Unhand me, old man!”😂😂😂

Beautiful story ❤️❤️❤️

I’m...I’m sorry, I just this minute realized that there are people out there who have no idea that Heinz Doofenshmirtz is the best fictional father out there. You guys don’t mind if I bombard your entire dashboard with proof right? Excellent.

BONUS: Doofenshmirtz around children he literally just met who wrecked his ‘inator’.

Literally I could go on and on with examples but my computer’s starting to crash from the amount of images.

The point is that Heinz Doofenshmirtz is the greatest fictional father out there and anyone who says otherwise was hit by a Lie-inator.