Pardon, but your tie is not symmetrical.

Watson and Holmes have a true crime podcast. Holmes goes off on very boring scientific tangents at least thrice an episode and Watson guides him back on topic with his extremely dry sense of humor. Lestrade is occasionally a guest on the show and Holmes finds new ways to subtly suggest he’s an idiot. Mycroft is in like one show a year and the fans love him because he’s unexpectedly very funny. They ask for more Mycroft episodes and it becomes a running gag that every week Mycroft is in a different obscure location where he cannot he reached. Mrs. Hudson invites herself in and knows a suspicious amount about dismemberment strategy and blood spatter.

Watson: Hello, and welcome back to the show. The elder Holmes will not be consulting on this case as he is still trapped in the catacombs and we have received word he has dropped his phone in a puddle of Parisian sewage. Rotten luck, truly. In other news, our landlady has begun rendering fat for the creation of lye soap, she claims it is lard but we have not seen her bridge club rival in some time. We will certainly come back to that later but now for the more pressing topic.

Holmes: This week we will be discussing the rash of arsenic poisonings occurring in Whitechapel between 1884 and 1887.

Watson: This week we WILL be discussing the rash of arsenic poisonings occurring in Whitechapel between 1884 and 1887, so help us God.

Watson: How have you been since we last spoke, Lestrade.

Lestrade: Well, somewhat vexed. A woman in my jurisdiction received a pair of human ears in the post and my wife has left m-

Holmes: WAIT WAIT, GO BACK!

Watson: EARS?

Holmes: EARS?!?!?!?

Holmes: HOW COME NO ONE GIVES ME EARS?!?!?!?

they then set up a PO box so people may send Holmes weird stuff they find, thus beginning his consulting detective career and also his collection of human teeth and cursed objects

someone: sherlock holmes is a machine, haven’t you read the books—

me, opening up my ornate copy of acd’s sherlock holmes, with its tender illustrations, pointing blindly to any line holmes says: he’s a sweet boy

Holmes: *catches Watson’s eye and bursts into helpless giggles*

Holmes: “No, you haven’t committed an actual crime, but if the lady has a brother or a friend he ought to lay a whip across your shoulders. In fact–” *flushes with rage* *grabs riding crop* *smug ill-treater of women flees in terror*

Holmes: *philosophizes about goodness* *sees God in a rose*

Holmes: *constantly frets that Watson - who adores Holmes so transparently he practically walks around with hearteyes - will stop admiring him if he explains his deductions and takes the magic out of them* *like* *the master of observation is straight-up oblivious to the fact that Watson thinks he hung the moon* *or else too insecure to accept the blindingly obvious*

Holmes: *is extraordinarily sensitive to the signs of abuse, and unfailingly gentle and careful with abuse victims*

Holmes: *encounters particularly engaging puzzle of a case* *rubs fingers in glee* *quite literally WRIGGLES IN HIS CHAIR out of sheer delight*

Holmes: *battles chronic depression for his entire life*

Holmes: *leaves a king’s handshake hanging because he treated his mistress poorly* *in fact, derives a good bit of his reputation for rudeness from the fact that he is supremely unintimidated by rank and power*

Holmes: “You look exhausted my dear doctor, lie down on our couch and let me play you to sleep with my violin”

Holmes: *uses drugs because his brain constantly runs at about 500000 rpms and he needs a fucking break*

Holmes: *goes to concerts, closes his eyes, and listens for hours with a soft half-smile of rapture on his face*

Holmes: *unselfconsciously chatters endearments at a dog*

Holmes: *devotes his entire life to helping people, and does it for free anytime someone can’t afford him*

Watson: *gets grazed by a bullet*

Holmes: *Pistol-whips Watson’s attacker* *drops to the floor and begs Watson to tell Holmes he’s all right* *upon confirming that his friend isn’t hurt, informs the would-be murderer in a cold, terrifying fury that if he’d succeeded in killing Watson he wouldn’t have made it out of the room alive*

Me: WTF STORIES DID THESE PEOPLE EVEN READ

MOOD

Bath commission for bilbos-pantaloons

[ID: a black and white, pen & ink and wash drawing of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson by Sidney Paget.

Watson sits in an armchair, legs crossed, leaning back. Holmes lies sideways on a chaise longue, one hand on his hip, the other holding a note. Between them on the ground is a newspaper. Both look relaxed. The following words, in colorful and varied fonts, got edited onto the drawing:

Saturday chillin. Don't fucking @ me today. I'm chillin. /end ID].

hey, doyle, please don’t say watson keeps his stethoscope in his hat like that’s a normal thing, i refuse to believe that’s a normal thing

Sorry to disappoint but…

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DISAPPOINTMENT IM SO HAPPY THAT PEOPLE SAW TOP HATS AND SAID “oh boy a new pocket :)”

[ID 1: a two-panel comic, showing Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Sherlock seems to be kneeling and asks: “Whatson, have you got your stethoscope handy?” The next panel shows Watson lifting his hat and a stethoscope falls out of it. Sherlock looks surprised, eyebrows raised.

Underneath is a excerp from “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, A Scandal in Bohemia”:

“As to your practice, if a gentleman walks into my rooms smelling of iodoform, with a black mark of nitrate of silver upon his right forefinger, and a bulge on the right side of his top-hat to show where he has secreted his stethoscope, I must be dull, indeed, if I do not pronounce him to be an active member of the medical profession.’” /end ID].

[ID 2: two screenshots from Google books. The first one is from the book “The Victorian City: Everyday Life in Dicken’s London”:

“99. If Dickens is to be believed, men kept almost everything they woned in their hats. It is almost quicker to itemize those characters who did not use their hat as a handy man-bag. Those who did not include: Mr. Pickwick, who kees his glove and handkerchief there wen he goes skating; in Oliver Twist a hat is home to Mr. Bubmle’s handkerchief; the Dodger brings hot rolls and ham for breakfast in his; his pickpocket colleague Toby Crackit puts a shawl in ‘my castor’ [castor=beaver]; in Nicholas Nickleby, Newman Noggs, flustered, tries to fit a parcel ‘some two feet square’ into his, as well as keeping-”

The second screenshot is from the book “Victorian London: The Life of a City 1840-1870”:

“-temperature. In 1816 a French doctor, Laennec, was faced with a female patient with chest problems. Etiquette forbade him to listen to her thoracic noises by simply putting his ear to her chest, so he invented the stethoscope, a wooded tube which could conveniently be carried in a top hat. Blood presure could be measured by an elderly version of the sphygmomanometer. Microscopy was becoming more and more sophisticated. The 1862 Year Book of Medicine, Surgery and Other Allied Sciences recommended that ‘the bandages and instruments which have been used for gangrenous wounds ought not, if possible [my italics], to be employed for a second time,28 but post-operative deaths from 'hospital-” /end ID].

🎃  it spooky season  🎃

[ID: a digital drawing of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson inspecting some pumpkins. The one Holmes is holding has a smiling face carved in, as has one of the pumpkins on the table in front of them. Holmes and Watson are wearing Victorian attire, meaning starched white shirts, vests and in Holmes case pinstripe trousers and a jacket. Watson also has a dark red necktie. Holmes has a magnifying glass in his hands, looking closely at his pumpkin. The wall behind the two is dark red with flourish patterns on it, and a golden frame. /end ID].

hey, doyle, please don’t say watson keeps his stethoscope in his hat like that’s a normal thing, i refuse to believe that’s a normal thing

Sorry to disappoint but…

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DISAPPOINTMENT IM SO HAPPY THAT PEOPLE SAW TOP HATS AND SAID “oh boy a new pocket :)”

[ID 1: a two-panel comic, showing Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Sherlock seems to be kneeling and asks: "Whatson, have you got your stethoscope handy?" The next panel shows Watson lifting his hat and a stethoscope falls out of it. Sherlock looks surprised, eyebrows raised.

Underneath is a excerp from "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, A Scandal in Bohemia":

"As to your practice, if a gentleman walks into my rooms smelling of iodoform, with a black mark of nitrate of silver upon his right forefinger, and a bulge on the right side of his top-hat to show where he has secreted his stethoscope, I must be dull, indeed, if I do not pronounce him to be an active member of the medical profession.'" /end ID].

[ID 2: two screenshots from Google books. The first one is from the book "The Victorian City: Everyday Life in Dicken's London":

"99. If Dickens is to be believed, men kept almost everything they woned in their hats. It is almost quicker to itemize those characters who did not use their hat as a handy man-bag. Those who did not include: Mr. Pickwick, who kees his glove and handkerchief there wen he goes skating; in Oliver Twist a hat is home to Mr. Bubmle's handkerchief; the Dodger brings hot rolls and ham for breakfast in his; his pickpocket colleague Toby Crackit puts a shawl in 'my castor' [castor=beaver]; in Nicholas Nickleby, Newman Noggs, flustered, tries to fit a parcel 'some two feet square' into his, as well as keeping-"

The second screenshot is from the book "Victorian London: The Life of a City 1840-1870":

"-temperature. In 1816 a French doctor, Laennec, was faced with a female patient with chest problems. Etiquette forbade him to listen to her thoracic noises by simply putting his ear to her chest, so he invented the stethoscope, a wooded tube which could conveniently be carried in a top hat. Blood presure could be measured by an elderly version of the sphygmomanometer. Microscopy was becoming more and more sophisticated. The 1862 Year Book of Medicine, Surgery and Other Allied Sciences recommended that 'the bandages and instruments which have been used for gangrenous wounds ought not, if possible [my italics], to be employed for a second time,28 but post-operative deaths from 'hospital-" /end ID].