Pardon, but your tie is not symmetrical.

haahfsffjfjgsf;(£_%%gbeng fda

[ID: The “you guys are getting paid?” meme. A person with the alloromantic asexual flag edited on them says “I feel romantic attraction all the time.” A person with the demiromantic flag responds “All the time? I only feel romantic attraction with certain people!” A person with the greyromantic flag joins in “Certain people? I rarely feel romantic attraction at all!” A person with the aromantic flag asks them all “Wait... Y’all feel romantic attraction?” END ID]

I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway. So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT. My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have. And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG. Being different doesnt mean you’re broken. If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not. Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one). You are not broken, and it will be okay.

This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there

#it’s really reassuring to hear from the partner #the one who’s not ace #but is totally cool with having no sex #loves her husband anyway #is in a stable and happy relationship #it’s such a relief when you discover that asexuality is a thing #that you’re okay #but then you start to wonder if it means your only chance at not ending up alone is finding someone else who’s also ace #but no #turns out it’s not #that’s really good to hear #so #thanks #so ace #so space

I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY

I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring

The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.

OK, kids, buckle up it’s story time.

When I got married, I hadn’t had sex yet.  Waiting until marriage was important to me, so that’s what I did.  My wedding night was the first time I had sex.

It sucked.

I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, it’s probably going to take some practice.

A year later?  It still sucked  We tried a lot of different stuff.  A lot  of different stuff.  It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of “Sex for Dummies”.

(it didn’t help)

I started working late so I didn’t go to bed at the same time as my husband.  Every time he would travel for work, I’d be grateful that I didn’t have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.

He didn’t think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week.  So we scheduled it.  Repeat, scheduled intimacy.  I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.

Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.

I talked to my husband, told him I didn’t like sex.  He didn’t understand.  I lost track of how many times I said: “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you.  I don’t want to have sex with anyone.”

So it was established, Amber doesn’t like sex.

But we still did it.  Because I wanted my husband to be happy.  Sometimes halfway through, I’d start crying.

And he’d always be supportive, and apologize.

After he finished.

So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor.  Because obviously there was something wrong with me.

So I went to a doctor.

(surprise, surprise, I’m perfectly healthy)

Then I told my mom.  When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears.  I told her there was nothing wrong with me.  And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since.  When people ask if I’m a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality.  

But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery

So I tell my husband, I’m asexual, I don’t want to have sex.  You are not asexual, you do want to have sex.  One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and I’m tired of it being me.  I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my life.  We might have to face the fact that we’re not right for each other.

So his immediate response is “no, I can change, I’ll do anything, divorce is not an option, etc”

But I can’t exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex.  Because that’s not how allosexual people work.  And he can’t seduce me into wanting to have sex, because that’s not how asexual people work.

Anyway.  He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.

Because we’d been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still can’t really talk about what we want (or don’t want) in regards to sex.

So we go to counselling for 6 weeks.  The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together.  During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and we’d talk to each other, being completely honest about things.

During (what turned out to be) our last session, I’d finally had enough.  I’d had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think.  Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into.  Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband.  Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:

“Josh, I love you.  We have communication problems, but we’ve been together almost ten years and I’m willing to work through those if you think we can make it work.  But I am never having sex with you again.”

(At this point, the therapist who’d been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think we’re done.)

Then and only then, did he agree to file for divorce.

—————–

I say all that to say this:

Don’t you dare fucking tell me that asexual representation doesn’t matter.  I would have six years of my life back if I had known.

And if you’re in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God.  About everything.  What dream you had last night.  That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head.  The reason you don’t like sweet potato.  That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it.  If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal.  And it takes practice, so practice.

————–

On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace.  And if you happen to ask my mom how I’m doing, she’ll tell you “I’ve never seen my baby girl happier.”

It gets better.  But it’s up to you to make it that way.

@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth please read this ❤️ I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters ✨

I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partner’s perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better.  I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I don’t want to make her have sex. Like, ‘Really?’ you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isn’t a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now. 

ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesn’t make you broken. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you should have to force yourself to do so. 

Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship can’t survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship to begin with.  TL;DR People who can’t see past sex as a ‘core’ in a relationship with someone ace/sex repulsed is an asshole.

I’ve long thought that they way western culture portrays sexual incompatibility and dissatisfaction as a normal aspect of marriage is completely fucked.  Even if you’re not especially paying attention, you may well have developed some unhealthy ideas about how relationships and sex are supposed to work.

Hey! Just a reminder that you can remain single for the rest of your life and be happy! Relationships do not define who you are. Your relationship status does not define who you are. 

I don’t even mean this for aspecs. Amatonormativity has taught us ALL that a relationship defines our happiness. A lot of arospecs, acespecs, and allos have put themselves into relationships that they did not want, simply because they were told that it would make them happy. You decide what makes you happy. If it’s not a relationship, that’s fine!

If you have family members nagging you to be in a relationship or friends constantly bugging you about being single or you feel pressured by society to be in a relationship, remind yourself that a relationship does not define you. Plenty of people are in bad romantic/sexual relationships, and maybe you don’t want to take that risk. Or maybe you’re prioritizing your education or your career and don’t want to bother with a relationship. Or maybe you’re arospec or acespec and sex/romance-repulsed and don’t want a relationship. Or you’re arospec/acespec and cannot physically find the Attraction™ to have a relationship. 

Fuck amatonormativity. Do what makes you happy. A relationship does not define you.

DID YALL HEAR THE NEWS

“beauty and the beast” where beauty’s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck that and puts on her pants and marches down to the beast’s castle herself

and she’s expecting this horrifying dark fortress but it’s actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture that’s sometimes alive

and she thinks, i can work with this

and the beast comes out and he’s like don’t look at me i am a hideous monster and beauty’s like dude you’re like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding you’re AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride

and he’s like what and she goes around the castle like okay we’ll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook

and the beast is confused because isn’t she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and he’s like uh aren’t you going to try to run away

and beauty’s all are you kidding this is a magic castle i’m going to live here forever

so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and they’re all amazed that she’s alive and her sisters go WHY DIDN’T THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and she’s like nahhh he’s basically just a big cat he’s kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks i’m not looking

and she explains how it’s really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesn’t know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey that’s his hobby y’know i’m not gonna discourage that man

and then one day while beauty’s re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and he’s like hey so this is awkward but are you like………………………………..in love with me……?????????

and beauty’s like oh uh wow haha um sorry no you’re…sort of a tiger

and the beast is like thank goodness because if you were i’d have to turn back into a human and i’ve kind of gotten used to being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason like why would i want to go back to being a spindly little man and then beauty laughs and she’s like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear

and they end up getting married in the end just because it’s easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if he’s not actually a man, and that’s fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers

and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you don’t like my crepes? well you know my husband, who is literally a tiger, loves them and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted

and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again

can that happen

8D

Can we have a whole book of aromantic fairy tales?

I needed this so much.

I am down for this idea of the Beast as a scholarly ace tiger with horns.

[Image description, Gavin and Nines stand face to face in a large conference room with a window wall behind them. Gavin is several inches shorter. Nines is cupping Gavin’s neck with his left hand, and in both gifs a small glowing circle is visible on Nines’ right temple. 

Gif 1: Angle on Gavin, he looks up with a disbelieving hope at Nines from where he had been looking at his feet. His eyes flick to Nines’ mouth, and he starts to lean forward for a kiss. Nines’ LED is yellow, indicating low level stress.

Gif 2: Angle on Nines, he is looking down at Gavin in sympathy and love. His eyes move to Gavin’s mouth and he leans forward until their lips meet in a chaste kiss. His LED is blue, indicating stability and contentment.

End description.]

I’m not even in this fandom but fuck it, I’m off work because of weather and at this point I will take any meta scraps my brain deigns to give me.

This is from a fan production (A MOVIE, IT’S A FUCKING FAN MADE MOVIE Y’ALL IT’S SO STUPID GOOD WTF I LOST MY MIND) called “Detroit Evolution” which is available in full for free on YouTube. It’s based on a game called “Detroit: Become Human” that came out two years ago, and the basic premise is that androids that have been among humans for a while as machines begin to “wake up” or “deviate” from their programming. Become human, as the title suggests.

This fan work takes place after the “revolution” that happens in the game, and I watched it because I saw a gifset that promised me a gay ace android character as one half of the main ship. I enjoyed it because it delivered in fucking spades.

There is mutual pining, longing, tenderness, androids, murder, intrigue, coma confessions, stake out chatting, hurt/comfort, and a happy ending. I recommend it wholeheartedly. 

But what I want to point out here, what I want to draw attention to in those gifs, is that the longing is coming primarily from the human character (Gavin). And the tenderness is from the android character (Nines). 

The longing, the self-hatred, the insecurity, the cruel repression of personal desire. The feeling of being incomplete. Are traits represented in the human character. Gavin is wary of a romantic relationship because he doesn’t feel “whole”. He believes he is broken, defective. The language he uses to refer to himself is fascinatingly mechanical in nature; “I’m lucky if I can scrounge together enough parts of myself to function in the morning.” Gavin, the human, is the character who’s main arc is the need for self-acceptance and love as he is.

The tenderness, the patience, the understanding, the compassion. The humanity. Are traits represented in the android character. The premise of the world this is set in may be based around humans disagreeing over whether the android AI’s should be considered as “people”, but the way Nines is written makes it very clear that he is a conscious being at all times. Nines, the android, is the character who’s main arc is showing Gavin that he is already loved and accepted as he is.

What was also interesting (to me) was that Nines’ asexuality is represented as a product of his “programming”, i.e. how he was made. Though he does wish he could be different for Gavin specifically (something he is reassured of, spoilers), at no point is it depicted as something he could change if he wanted to. Even though he is a machine, technically, it is not a choice for him. It’s innate.

So basically “Detroit Evolution” subtly took the machine/human relationship dynamic and flipped it on its head while also neatly avoiding falling into the trap of the “asexuals are robots” trope. Which I think is pretty neat.

Everybody stop right now and LISTEN TO MY WORDS.

I just watched a movie on youtube called Detroit Evolution and I think it’s based on some video game or something, I don’t even know, but GUYS, I have feelings about this!

First off, it is fanmade and funded. This is like, next level fanfiction, okay? But it’s so well done. The acting, the producing, the editing, the other film-making stuff. It was good. I wasn’t a fan going into this, I had no knowledge what the video game was even about, but that’s all pretty irrelevant. I still enjoyed it a lot.

Now, the main reason I wanted to give this movie a chance was because there’s a main character, Nines, who has been called asexual. Awesome! Stellar! He’s an android. Less stellar….. Here’s why; Asexuals are, many times, portrayed as not human. And that sucks because it creates this idea that you’re not human unless you experience sexual attraction. It paints ace people as subhuman. So going in, I was nervous. But I instantly fell in love with Nines. He’s an android, yes, but he’s still portrayed as being so human. It’s not like he’s just some robot; he has feelings! Emotions!!! It handled the aspect of him being asexual really really well. It had them TALK ABOUT IT. It had him doubting himself because he felt he couldn’t be everything that he thought Gavin deserved. And that leads me on to GAVIN, THE AMAZING SUPERB LOVE INTEREST. I loved him just as much as I loved Nines. He never treats Nines like he’s less than human. He’s an asshole in the best possible way, which is exactly my type. And he says something that I had to go back and listen to about five different times because I loved it so much; when they’re talking about Nines being asexual, he says, “You have been a whole person since the day you woke up.” and that fucking hit me in the heart, okay? That is more ace representation than I have ever seen, and to hear that? Holy shit.

So this post is basically just me pounding on my keyboard to get my feelings out after this dang fanfiction movie made me feel things. Anyways, go watch the movie. Support the makers. They deserve it.