im always shocked by how many people hate olives i would live off them if i was rich

this post's hypothetical by itself is already ridiculous but the thing that gets me is how the wording implies two very funny things that become funnier in tandem

1. "Accidentally, the pitcher tosses a Christian baby" means this is a mistake on the pitcher's part. i imagine the pitcher is breastfeeding on the field and they pitch and they look down at their hands and they see the ball still in the glove and they go "fuck"

2. hitting the baby will still win you the game

maybe i shouldn’t respond to wrong number texts any more

Sorry! We threw out your luggage because it was giving the airplane a tummy ache

Meanwhile, on Twitter:

Brain farts, a thread

country boys wear the tightest pair of blue jeans you’ve ever seen and unbutton their flannel to the nipple like.. who at this rodeo needs to know you’re a slut. the clown?

me checking the bottoms of very expensive ceramic plant pots for drainage

Sigourney Weaver to a bunch of children in the desert

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (2010) — Robert Pattinson’s audio commentary with Kristen Stewart

I just saw a gifset that split the word "beautiful" into 3 gifs and I think this one may be the new t hanos

You’re laughing. She has a urinary tract infection and you’re laughing

ok most of these I can get the original context, but who the fuck is this fruitier looking matpat and why does he have calcium in his bones

no clue but this guy has it too

don’t forget that steve harrington is jared, 19

Out of Context Donald Duck comics

more because why not

also please know that almost all of these are by Carl Barks, a duck comic writer and artist who was so good that even though disney didn’t credit ANY OF THEIR ARTISTS FOR A LONG TIME (yes. I know. god.) people picked up that there was this one dude who was sincerely rocking the format and became so legendary that this anonymous creator was known amongst readers as ‘the Good Duck Artist’ or ‘the Good Duck Man’

As chair of the wizard- [PARRIES A SPELL] As chair of the wizard counc- [PARRIES A DIFFERENT SPELL] As chair of the wizard council, I- [PARRIES A DIFFERENT SPELL] As chair of the wizard council I think staffs should be illegal during these meetings.

oh i thought this was the staff meeting

source

I’m not sure whether this is actually funny but I like how his little angry faces turned out.

Can confirm that this is funny