screaming into the void

I've always loved the idea of having your partner dress up and then taking them out somewhere to show them off. Watching heads turn. Lingering glances. Knowing every eye is on them and everyone is envious of you.

I have mastered the art of "Right place, wrong time" and I don't know how to undo it. Mostly because I'm not sure how it keeps happening in the first place. All I know is that the timing is never right for what I want.

It's one thing to know you're deserving of love, but it's something else entirely to believe that you'll ever find it.

I just had a thought.

I think teenagers feel like they know everything because they've finally reached a point where they've mastered how to be a kid. They know all there is about going to school, living in their parent/guardian's house, doing what kids need to do, and everything else that's required of them when they're young.

But then they hit 18 and enter the real world and are faced with the reality that they often don't know what it is to take care of themselves without the safety net of home & school. There's no longer are major social structure in place to tell them what to do and they're now expected to be able to figure most things out on their own.

Which leads to another period of learning and struggle. This time though, it's how to be an adult and you don't really start to feel like you've got that down until you're in your mid-30s. Which is roughly about the same amount of time as it took for teenagers to reach the point where they figured out how to be a kid.

Our lives are very cyclical with each cycle getting increasingly more complicated for a multitude of reasons. I'm in my later 30s now and finally feel like I have a handle on being an adult in this world, but I know there's another cycle coming that I'll have to figure out and potentially struggle through.

Clearly, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about love songs. I have an entire playlist devoted to them. I could write equally lengthy tags about each song on the list. It's not very long, but it is a collection of the songs that feel most like what I hope love is.

It hurt because I was open and vulnerable but they weren't. Which isn't to say they did anything wrong. We thought we were on the same page, but I didn't know enough to be aware we weren't. I made a mistake and learned a hard lesson.

I'm not a needy person, but I'm also extremely needy. Like, I really don't need much, it's just that my needs have gone unmet for so long that I really need to have them met.

I'm like, 100% a dude, but not when cis people say it. Because when they say it, it's a stand in for boy/man but in a more casual way. But when I, a queer non-binary person say it, I am talking about the vibe that dude embodies. Laid back, chill, fun to be around, mellow and just there to hang out. A real positive energy in the group. There's no gender involved in that, it's just a way someone is.

Really debating whether or not I want to start buying movies regularly again or if I want to start getting Netflix home delivery again. Maybe both? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm on the cusp of getting back into serious collecting mode, I just haven't decided one way or the other yet.

It's not that I think I'm ugly, it's that I don't think many people find me attractive. While those are two different things with varying implications, they are functionally the same. Either way, nobody is particularly interested in me.

I have long felt that my connection to masculinity is more like that of butch lesbians than it is the masculinity of men, even those of the non-toxic variety.

But, I have no idea what to do with that understanding. I think it is a very powerful and important thing to know, but I don't actually know what it means for me. And I'm not sure if it's something I can figure out on my own. Maybe having real connections to other queer & trans people in my life would help me to be able to figure it out, but finding a place for myself to connect with others has been an issue since I was a child.

I'm in a better place than I've ever been.

But there's still a hole that I can't fill and sometimes I fall into it and get hurt.

A season of TV needs at least 12 episodes in order to be an actual season and even that is pushing it. 6 episodes is a mini series. 8-10 episodes is a half season. 12 episodes is the bare minimum necessary to tell the story without much filler and a single b-story arc. 16 is the sweet spot that allows for worldbuilding and character development for several characters. 24 is a classic season, which can be overly long but allows for filler and fluff episodes.

Look. I know romances and rom coms are unrealistic depictions of love and relationships. But what I feel while watching them is real and that's what I'm looking for. I want to find someone who makes me feel that just by being around them. I don't know if it's possible or if it's even likely, but I want it.

"How long do you have to hug before it becomes a cuddle?" is a valid question. Cuddles are, in a sense, an elongated hug. However, I think it's missing a secondary key difference between the two: the plane on which it happens. Hugs, typically, are between two people who are vertical, while cuddles are typically between two people who are horizontal. Which leads to another metric to determine the division between a hug and a cuddle:

The relative position of each individual involved. Two people standing are probably hugging while two people lying down are probably cuddling. If someone is sitting down and a standing person embraces them, it's likely a hug. If one person is lying down and another person is sitting, cuddling is a safe bet. But two people sitting could be either, depending on whether both of them have their feet on the ground or not.

I struggled for so many years with imposter syndrome over my art and was so insecure about it for so fucking long. But I've been working hard the past 10 years or so to overcome and accept it and holy shit. That moment when you make something that just really tickles your fancy is pure fucking serotonin. It felt so damn good to look at something I created and think "Yo, that's dope. I want to display it in my room."

I hope everyone gets to experience that.

Why is Thursday always the most difficult day to get any work done? Always find myself having to push harder to work on Thursday than any other day.