man imagine getting an anal exam from carlisle. i know the mans a good doctor but his fingers are chilly….

Would he like??? Boil his fingers before hand???

moodboard for carlisle boiling his hands to put in your ass

certified iconic post

Anyone else feel like it’s been one of those days since 2019?

new high school classmate: so what’s your name

renesmee: renesmee

new classmate: that’s… interesting

renesmee: my mom was on crack when she named me

bella, sitting literally two seats away: 

I’m so concerned that this post implies Bella and Edward will attend high school again with their own daughter

youre goddamn right thats what im implying

I mean, they did lock themselves into the nightmare which is endless high school. That was a choice they made. They had every option to get a fake ID that said “twenty-one” and say, “Yeah, I do look a little young for my age. I get that a lot. Anyway, back to being a human being with full legal rights not tied to an adult and not forced to suffer through gym class forever for no godly reason.”

There’s a lot of bad things about Twilight, but the idea that anyone would willingly choose to spend eternity attending high school is… one of them.

hi heres the entire twilight movie as a stamp

cool I always wanted the entire twilight movie as a stamp

charlie trying to make spaghetti moodboard

family bonding im not really happy with this yet but im also tired of looking at it so. also i refuse to believe jasper wasn’t running around taking out his frustration with edward by ramping up charlie’s frustration with edward

Thanks for all the new follows!

assorted twilight trash (4/?)

All the vampires after gathering in Breaking Dawn:

moodboard of rosalie breaking the salad bowl in twilight (2008) after finding out bella already ate

things in the twilight script that made me laugh

i appreciate twilight as a widely-known meme-rich text but when i am talking about vampires i never want to be talking about twilight and someone alwaaaaayyyys brings it up like shut up thats something different

twilight is about vampires but it isn’t about draculas. number one (#1) vampire story blunder committed

i would argue that twilight is about cullens, which are a sort of convergent evolution situation with vampires, and that draculas are a subspecies of vampire that includes your lestats and your carmillas and your blades and your spike/darla/angels and such but not your nosferatus or orlocks

a nosferatu is like a dracula bigfoot

wait I can actually mean that. stoker writes dracula back in the old-timey days. murnau makes nosferatu as a legally distinct adaptation in the 20s. hammer horror comes along in the 50s and defines the popular imagination of draculas around it, including a movement toward sexy and away from the grotesque monstrosity of nosferatu and traditional vampire folklore. nosferatu is exactly a dracula bigfoot.

You can read this as who had the worst things happen to them, who did the most with the least credit, or who the narrative treated the most unfairly.

Didn't include E/B/J themselves because wanted to think about supporting characters here.

Back during the time when it was popular to bash Twilight for both legitimate reasons (Edward being borderline abusive to Bella, the whole child grooming plot point in Breaking Dawn, etc.) and not (REAL VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE THATS GAY), I saw this meme on Facebook where it was Louis and Lestat from Interview With The Vampire commenting on Edward’s sparkling and making fun of him for being gay. Like… Buddy My Guy. My Fair Dude. My Dear Sweet Homophobic Idiot. Not only are the Vampires in IWTV super duper gay, you’re lying to yourself if you think Lestat wouldn’t slam dunk his entire body into a tub of glitter on any given occasion. You Fool. You Imbecile.

@wicked-felina

Lestat: WHY DON’T WE GLITTER I WAS ROBBED

Louis: Does he ask our pity? He can walk in the sunlight, whereas we, foul creatures of darkness as we are, are forever barred from God’s kindly li –

Lestat, upending a pound of iridescent craft glitter on his head: SHUT UP LOUIS

Everyone on this post is gonna be sued by Anne Rice

heritage post

Page 1 of The Vampire Lestat.

i think we should stop calling them baby names so people remember they’re not just naming a baby but also a future twenty seven year old with a resume

that's why bella called her kid resume right away

Today I woke up and thought ... what if the Twilight Saga was a horror franchise?

bella's cactus is actually foreshadowing that she was about to meet the biggest prick on earth