When I find myself in times of trouble

Granny Weatherwax comes to me

speaking words of wisdom:

I can't be having with this.

potentially controversial opinion incoming

sam vimes’s natural anti-drunkenness (being knurd) is described as seeing the world the way it actually is, without all the comforting illusions people have for themselves. having a witch’s First Sight means that “you can see what really is there.” granny weatherwax says that evil starts with treating people as things, and, often but especially vividly in Feet of Clay, sam demonstrates repeatedly that he will not stand for the golems being treated as less than people, for the poor being treated as disposable by the rich and powerful, for anyone thinking that anyone else doesn’t matter. the hiver gets inside tiffany aching and reveals the Chalk in her soul. the summoning dark gets inside sam vimes and finds a city in there. and sam vimes knows how to be selfish, to claim his city and his people as his, to protect them. witches watch over people who are frequently small-minded and ungrateful and stubborn and they do it anyway because it’s what you do, because it needs to be done; and sam vimes says pretty much the same thing every time he considers the people of ankh-morpork. and you can call him mister vimes, but only if you’ve earned it.

doylist conclusion: terry pratchett knew what his taste in protagonists was

watsonian conclusion: vimes is an urban witch and ankh-morpork is his steading gods damn it

#also important to this theory is that vimes would absolutely fucking hate this

good tag op

On being presented with this theory, Vimes will kneejerk tell Granny, to her face, that he’s not a witch, she’s a freelance watchman, and he can’t be having with freelancers.

There will be a long minute while Vimes’ survival instincts send extremely belated and panicky signals to his brain, and Granny blinks flatly at him in distant amazement at his gall.

Then she’ll smile sweetly and offer to discuss jurisdiction lines, and suggest very politely that if he keeps to his, she might consider keeping to hers. Vimes squints at her, but his mama didn’t raise no fool, so they get to brass tacks on negotiations without much fuss.

Meanwhile, Carrot and Agnes are standing on the sidelines, and wondering vaguely if Vimes has just been Weatherwaxed, or if Granny has been Vimesed.

And, honestly, if it’d make much difference either way.