Ordo x Maze, day five : heartbreak day
Maze kept walking, eyes straight forward, head high. He didn't look, didn't acknowledge the two people walking in the opposite direction. He didn't clench his fists, didn't grind his teeth, didn't waver nor react. He had perfect control of his body and acted like nothing was wrong.
Because nothing was wrong.
That was the entire point after all, wasn't it ? There was nothing to talk about.
Maze had thought, like an absolute utreekov, had imagined things. He thought that maybe there was something there, between the two of them. It wouldn't have worked out and they might have ended up killing each other, but maybe.
Maybe they could have learned tenderness together, through all the bad blood and inevitable arguments. Or as close to tenderness as they were both capable of. Maybe they could have made the other’s day lighter, sometimes. Steal a few moments of their short lives to give the other what nobody else could have. For all the books he read, Maze might not have the words for what it was that they could have shared together. Not understanding. Maybe not even devotion. But something.
Or he might just not want to admit that they were too similar and only reflected to the other what they hated the most, like a gruesome mirror that shared their own face.
It was for the best, really. They would only have torn each other apart and he knew it.
But seeing the natborn girl at his side, both of their heads tilted close to each other as they were planning who knew what, still left a bitter taste in Maze’s mouth. Because apparently she was capable of loving him, of sharing his thoughts and his time. She was good enough for him. She was his riduur now.
And Maze shouldn't hate her. She was smart and competent and pretty. Patient with people like he never was. Understanding in ways he could never be. She was good for him, could give him everything the Alpha would never have been able to. Maze should feel happy for them. Should say his congratulations and move on.
But he hated her. He was ashamed to admit he was jealous of that natborn. He should be way better than this. He was a perfect soldier, trained by Jango Fett himself. He should have never fallen this low. He should know how to control his feelings at the very least. But when he saw her, he was reminded of every time he imagined himself at her place. Of every dream he had made like a stupid shiny. He saw everything he had wanted to have. And he was reminded that it never had been for him to start with.
She didn't deserve his hate, but Maze couldn't help himself. Just like he couldn't help his treacherous feelings. If he had thought less of himself, he would have believed that he was defective, that something had gone wrong with his tube. But he knew better. Maze was just an or’dinii, dumb enough to believe in fantasies as if they were reality.
So he kept walking. He didn't look at Ordo and his wife. He ignored them as if they didn't exist. He acted as if it was easy –they didn't seem to have noticed him anyway. As if it didn't feel like his future had been ripped out of his hands, again. It was his own fault for hoping in the first place.
He passed Ordo in the corridor, going in different directions, and tried to not feel like he had been left in the dust, completely alone.
Thank you @ithillia for beta reading and all the help throughout the writing process !!!
