Random Fandom Stuff.

I recently came across the saying:

“When you think you’ve hit rock bottom, but now you want to fuck a blonde guy.”

As a blonde guy this made me laugh. Also, made me think of my “canon” BG3 playthrough, where my Tav was a Half-Elf Warlock. A blonde guy warlock who romanced Shadowheart.

Just imagine it. Shadowheart is on this impossible quest from her Goddess. Everyone else in her original group is dead. She can’t remember anything. She’s got an alien worm in her brain. Lae’zel is there.

The only thing keeping her together is her desperate and blind faith. And even that begins to falter. And this blonde asshole shows up and makes her all hot and bothered.

It’s almost too much.

Please ignore my misspelling of Eldritch Blast.

Another of my Bored at Work series. Pencil on Paper.

Astarion and Karlach are sitting curled on a couch. Astarion is reading a book. Karlach is resting her head on his lap.

Karlach: I’m bored.

Astarion: *not looking away from his book* …and?

Karlach: And, I need suggestions.

Astarion: Why am I responsible for your entertainment?

Karlach: You’re not buuuuuut you’re gonna help me because you love me, darling.

Astarion: *staring straight ahead in annoyance, brows furrowed*

Karlach: *shit eating grin*

Astarion: You could go to the Elfsong and get into a fight. You still have two strikes.

Karlach: Saving those for a special occasion.

Astarion: Rumors have started of slavers operating in the sewers.

Karlach: That’s sounds good but that’s a project. Probably, two-three weeks just to get started. I’ll start that Monday. I need something more for an afternoon.

Astarion: Oh, I don’t know! Can you…*struggles for a moment before throwing his hands up in frustration*…sit on my face?!

Karlach: Sure.

Astarion: …

Karlach: *wicked grin*

Astarion: …A-are you just saying you can? Like, you are capable of…that. Or…will you?

Karlach: *slowly, seductively licks her lips*

Sometime later…

Tav and Shadowheart’s homestead.

Tav: By the Gods!

Shadowheart: *running in from the next room* What is it? What happened?

Tav: We’re needed in Baldur’s Gate. Astarion’s neck is broken.

Shadowheart: How did that happen?!

Tav: According the sending spell…Karlach. With her ass.

Shadowheart: …

Tav: The last two words look like Astarion’s handwriting. All they say is : “Worth it”.

Shadowheart: *raises an eyebrow*

Tav: She sat on his face. *makes a circling gesture with his hand around his face*

Shadowheart: He’s lucky to be alive if that’s true. I’ll send word to Halsin so he can watch after the animals.

Tav: Right. Good…by the way. Wooooouuuuld that be something you would be interested in? You on me?

Shadowheart: *looking at Tav in disbelief* Are you serious? You ask this now?

Tav: Seemed on topic.

Shadowheart: Astarion could be crippled.

Tav: He seemed accepting of his lot and in high spirits from what he wrote.

Shadowheart: *pinching the bridge of her nose* Fine. After we get back for healing our friend.

Tav: The moonlight is but a pale imitation of your beauty and magnanimity.

Shadowheart: Stop the blasphemy and get the teleportation scroll. Now.

Tav: Mercy, I beg. My trousers have gotten rather snug since the start of this conversation.

Shadowheart: Not my fault, not my problem.

They make it to Baldur’s Gate. Upon their arrival Tav immediately high fives a grinning Astarion and embarrassed Karlach.

This one kinda got away from me. Inspired by a real life conversation I had with my wife. As always, this is a sex positive place.

Astarion: I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here.

Tav and Aylin stand before Astarion, arms crossed. Per Astarion’s request, they are in their workout clothes.

Aylin: Speak, spawn. You keep me from my beloved and the warmth of her arms.

Tav: You’re really horny, you know that?

Aylin: Spend a century trapped in darkness with naught but pain and despair as your companions. See how much you can resist the object of your desires then.

Tav: Fair.

Astarion: I called you here because I need you to teach me wrestling.

The Tiefling (6’6 without the horns) and Aasimar (6’7 without the wings) stare at the hundred and fifty pound elf. The pair of brick shithouses share a glance.

Tav: That…doesn’t really seem like your style.

Astarion: This isn’t for fighting.

Aylin: Are you mocking us, spawn?

Astarion: I am serious, darling.

Tav: Then why?

Astarion: Because I want to be on top from time to time!

The three of them turn to the other end of the field. Karlach (6’8 without the horn) is twirling, Shadowheart and Isobel hanging from either arm. They all laugh merrily.

The Paladins each grasp Astarion’s shoulder.

Tav: We understand.

Aylin: We will aid you as best we can.

After many grueling weeks of training, Astarion finally got to be on top. Because he asked.

More Domestic Tav x Shadowheart stuff.

Wyll: Why is Tav wrestling a deer?

Shadowheart: *not looking up from her book* His Oath. He needs to avenge something to maintain it. That deer has been tearing up our vegetable garden.

Wyll: And that counts?

Shadowheart: So far. Last month a nest of wasps stung Scratch and I. Tav swore vengeance. Worked.

Wyll: *watching Tav suplex the buck into submission* Whatever keeps the blade sharp, I suppose.

Imagining a most Angry Paladin settling down to quiet life is funny.

Also, I firmly believe Shadowheart would troll her lover/spouse constantly.

Shadowheart: Just know, I’ve become an animal in bed.

Five Minutes Later…

Shadowheart: *laying in bed in her stomach, cuddled up to Scratch, six cats and a possum* Pet me and give me food.

Visual representation of Tav maintaining his oath:

Shadowheart is showing off her homestead to Karlach. She opens the door to what looks like a pantry.

Shadowheart: And this is where we keep our crystals.

Karlach: Sweet! You and Tav do a lot of alchemy?

Shadowheart: Some. But I like to use them manifest energies.

Karlach: Like magic?

Shadowheart: Some do. But I mean emotions. Peace. Happiness.

Karlach: Rocks can do that?

Shadowheart: Under the right circumstances.

Karlach: …is there one to manifest getting railed?

Shadowheart: …

Karlach: …

Shadowheart: *grabs some Raw Carnelian Stone and puts it in a pouch before handing it to Karlach*

Karlach: *grasps the bag firmly in both hands and concentrates really hard*

Shadowheart: *chuckling* That’s not how it—

Just then Tav and Astarion walk in from the outside.

Karlach: *looking at Astarion with a big beaming smile* Holy shit! It works!

Astarion and Karlach destroyed the guest room bed.

Shadowheart is a crystal girl, trust me.

Crap, I deleted this post accidentally. Let’s see if I remember the wording.

Tav: WIFEY!

Shadowheart barely has anytime to react before being tackled to the ground by her spouse.

Karlach: *looking at Astarion expectantly* You could do that. You know, if ya want.

Astarion: *looking up from his pedicure and sighing* Anything for you, darling. *gets up and moves to the other side of the room*

Karlach: *really happy* Don’t forget to yell “WIFEY!”

Astarion: *deep sigh* Of course. *breaks into a full sprint* WIFEY!

Astarion crashes into Karlach and bounces off of her as if made of rubber. He hits the ground with a loud crash. He dies instantly.

Karlach: …I guess I shouldn’t have planted my feet.

Thankfully, Shadowheart was there to revivify him.

I love Selunite Shadowheart’s ending.

A happy life in a homestead full of animals.

Though after her life under Shar’s influence I imagine she might go a little overboard.

For example:

Shadowheart: I got us a puppy!

Tav: You literally went out for mugwort!

Shadowheart: But she’s so cute!

Tav: We have seventeen dogs!

Or

Tav: Where did you get all those scratches? Was it the owlbear?

Shadowheart: *thinks about the family of raccoons that she promised not to try to tame that she was trying to tame* I’m having an affair.

Partially inspired by real life.

Inspired by real life.

Shadowheart: You should wear gloves.

Tav: What?

Shadowheart: *gently gliding her fingertips over the battered knuckles and torn skin of his fingers* Your hands are getting torn up.

Cupping his hands in hers, Shadowheart casts a spell. Tav’s wounds heal and his skin becomes once again unblemished except for old scars.

Tav: Thank you… * looks down at the dark mark on her hand* and I’m sorry. For making you worry.

Tav gently brings her marked hand up to his lips. Kissing her mark, he gives her a gentle smile.

It is said that among Kinky Stuff that Hand Stuff is the most filthy and debauched. These two perverts are probably gonna intertwine their fingers like the fucking hedonists they are. Fucking shameful.

Thank you for reading my little micro scenes. I may soon fall back into that blackest of pits: fan fiction writing.

Stupidity and teasing that I thought was funny.

Tav: Wait, you’re how old?

Shadowheart: I’m forty.

Tav: *is a twenty-seven year old Tiefling* …cradle robber.

Shadowheart: Excuse me?!

Tav: *smirking smugly* The Baldur’s Mouth always warned me about sexy, older women going after innocent and supple younger men, like I, but I never thought I would fall victim.

Shadowheart: *sardonically* Are you serious?

Tav: Cougars they call them. Ravenous. Hunting for young flesh.

Shadowheart: …

Tav: Worry not, my beloved! I’ve always had a thing for older women. For me, this is a dream come true.

Shadowheart: You are sleeping on the other side of the camp.

Tav: *chuckling* I know.

Inspired by real life. My wife is older than me. By six months. I occasionally tease her about going after such a younger man.

I am aware there is much greater age disparity between other members of the party but this reminded of me and my wife.

A little bonding between Aasimar and Tiefling.

A sequel to my last post featuring the two Angry Paladins.

Isobel and Shadowheart are bending over to play with Scratch. Face squishes and kissy faces flow freely.

Tav and Dame Aylin approach from opposite sides of the camp. Their paths cross exactly where their respective Magic Moon Wives’ are playing with Scratch. Facing away from them. Their posteriors wiggling innocently in the air.

As if by some great force, the two Paladin’s eyes are drawn to the glorious sight. As one they stare.

Tav & Aylin: *in their minds* Firm butt…

They drool.

Tav & Aylin: *thinking very intensely* So round.

Inhibitions lost.

Tav & Aylin: *madness descending* MUST TOUCH!

With their hands a hairs breath away from the moon of their choosing, the two lovestruck idiots finally notice each other.

In front of them, Isobel and Shadowheart are startled by a loud slapping sound. They turn to find their spouses like this:

They have no idea what happened, only that the two Paladin’s have come to some profound understanding. Something deep and spiritual.

Wanted them to be friendly this time.

Funny little what if. So, on one side Dame Aylin and Isobel, a tall, angry Aasimar Paladin and her Selunite Wife. On the other side, my Tav, a tall, angry Tiefling Paladin and his (newly-again) Selunite Wife.

They get around the discussing their wives…

Wyll: What is going on?!

Tav flys past will, crashing into a wall back first. A half second later Aylin smashes into Tav, sending both him and her through the wall. Blow after blow is heard inside the shadows of the hole in the wall before Aylin comes flying out and lands in the dirt.

Tav steps out, bloodied but with a fire in his glowing eyes. Spitting blood on the floor, he charges Aylin who rises to meet the attack.

Astarion: *sitting on makeshift bleachers with a “Go Tav!” Ball cap on* They are having a most riveting debate.

Wyll: They’re trying to kill each other. *watches as Aylin drop kicks Tav in the stomach only for the Tiefling to grab both her legs and spin her around several times before sending her flying quite a distance*

Karlach: *standing next to Astarion, cheering with two foam hands marked with “Tav #1” on them* GO TAV!!!

Wyll: What are they even debating?!

Gale: *wearing a “I Hope Everyone Has Fun” shirt* I do believe it was whoever has the best wife.

Wyll looks further down the bleachers and cringes as he sees an Isobel and Shadowheart sitting in a blackened aura of what could only be embarrassment.

Lae’zel: You! Go for the wings! You! Go for the tail! GRIND THEM UNDER YOUR HEEL!!!

Wyll: Who is she cheering for?

Astarion: Ahhhh, death.

Wyll: Of course. And why is she here?! *points at Orin*

Orin waves and smiles.

Astarion: She sensed a good time and came over.

Wyll: WHY DID YOU LET HER?!

Astarion: She brought drinks, darling.

Wyll: …*watching Tav put Aylin in a full armbar only to then get bit in the leg* How long have they been at this?

Gale: Three hours, I think?

Wyll: *gives up and takes a seat next to Astarion* Three gold on Tav.

The Battle of The Two Angry Paladins with Outsider Ancestry Debating who had the best Magic Moon Wife ended in the most anime bullshit way possible. By the mutual final punch double KO. It was said the battle ravaged their bodies. The Magic Moon wives did nothing to ease their pain and in fact left them in the dirt for the next day.

Scratch thought they were hanging so he just laid down next to them.

A bit long but thank you for indulging me. Just realized the parallels between my main Tav and Dame Aylin. So this little what if happened.