Random Fandom Stuff.

More Cloud and Tifa stuff because I knocked back an energy drink and can see forever. (For anyone over thirty this is actually a Dangerous, Forbidden Technique)

A reimagining of the Lifestream sequence. Well, maybe a prediction seeing how Sephiroth’s meta knowledge fucked with the story in the last two games.

Cloud sits in his subconscious inside the Lifestream. His form shifts from young to adult constantly. He pulls his legs up to his chest and buries his face behind his knee’s.

Behind him, Sephiroth floats. His single wing casting a large shadow over Cloud’s mutable form.

Sephiroth: You’ve never been real, Cloud. All you’ve done. All you’ve seen. An illusion.

Sephiroth reaches for Cloud’s shoulder.

Sephiroth: Give up…end it…submit…all you—

Tifa: Ahem.

Sephiroth: *eyes bulging and brow furrowing. He turns around to see Tifa standing behind him*

Tifa: *waving happily* Hey.

Sephiroth: Wha-what are you doing here?

Tifa: This is Cloud’s inner most mind, right?

Sephiroth: *turning fully to face her* Yes.

Tifa: Yeah. I live here rent free.

Sephiroth: *eyes darting side to side as he try’s to understand what the fuck is going on*

Tifa: And you, sir, are trespassing.

Sephiroth summons his sword and makes a blindingly fast horizontal slash. It is stopped short by Tifa’s index finger.

Tifa: You see, I’m kinda of a pillar here. He’s been using me as kinda of a safety net. Kinda flattering really. Knowing I’ve been saving him so much. So that means my strength here is *grabs hold of the blade and stares at Sephiroth menacingly* far beyond what you can hope to match.

Sephiroth: *sweating* This not gonna end well for me.

Tifa: *low, dangerous voice* This is not gonna end well for you.

I have a feeling there’s gonna be a boss fight with a specter of Jenova or Sephiroth at the end of the Lifestream sequence. I’d put money in it. It would be cool if Tifa got to fight him.

I am looking forward to Remake Part 3 so I made an interpretation of the final battle I believe we’re gonna get.

Inspired by that recent stream from Square Enix and the new Tifa’s Boyfriend tag.

Aerith: Truth or Dare?

Cloud: Dare.

Aerith: I dare you to kiss the hottest person on the planet!

Cloud: Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: *smugly* Yes, Cloud?

Cloud: Can you move? I need to get to Tifa.

This how the battle at the center of Cloud’s mind went, right? I’m remembering this correctly, right?

More Cloud and Tifa stuff.

Cloud is having a Sephiroth moment. Tifa runs into him, pressing herself against him to hold him back. The darkness recedes from his mind. He looks down and rests his free hand on her head.

Cloud: You saved me again.

Tifa: Together. *looking up into his eyes* We do this together.

Cloud: Together.

Tifa detached herself from Cloud, one hand lingering in his chest. They stare at the horizon.

And keep staring.

All the while Tifa’s hand on Cloud’s chest is anything but idle. Squeezing and groping vigorously.

Cloud: Uh, Tifa?

Tifa: *not looking at Cloud* Yes?

Cloud: You’re, uh, y-your hand is still on my chest.

Tifa: *still not looking at Cloud* I know.

Cloud: You can take it off anytime you want.

Tifa: *giving Cloud’s left pec a good squeeze* I can.

Cloud: Not that I mind. It’s just, umm, Sephiroth is still out there.

Tifa: *tenderly running her fingers over the center of his chest* And he will still be there after I’m done.

Suddenly, Sephiroth appears. He hovers in front of Cloud, smiling evilly.

Sephiroth: Come, Cloud. The reunion awai—*is grabbed by the throat by Tifa, making a sound like a squeak toy. He is pulled in front of her face, malice burning in her brown eyes*

Tifa: Do not ruin this for me.

Sephiroth nods quickly and disappears in a puff of black smoke. Tifa continues her groping for several minutes.

I am a firm believer that woman can be horny and a little bit deranged, same as men can be a bit pathetic.

I also wanted to abuse Sephiroth a bit.

Brainrot has taken over. Spoilers ahead. Be warned.

Finished the Gongaga Reactor fights last night.

Just cause I haven’t seen anyone talk about this yet.

Right after killing another one of Hojo’s experiments.

Cloud was helpless in this scene. Mako poisoning. Dragged around by Barret. I can only imagine the mishmash that is his headspace. Probably didn’t know who he is. I mean, more than usual.

Then Tifa is attacked and it’s clear as day. In a second, he’s back. Physically and mentally, laser-guided. And I think that is a very important aspect of his psyche. He forgets so much but the promise, the desire to protect Tifa is so damn foundational to Cloud. Even when he swung his sword under Sephiroth’s influence, he didn’t cut Tifa. There was no wound or blood. And as evidenced by the Trooper Massacre, it was not a lack of skill. Some part of him was trying his hardest not to kill her.

Which is why I believe Sephiroth was messing with Cloud and Tifa’s relationship specifically. He knows she is his rock. His foundation. In the scene with the Weapon, Sephiroth wasn’t trying to kill the planet protecting Kaiju. He was trying to kill her. Without her, Cloud would be just another Black Robe stumbling along.

I love how these two, young nobodies from Sephiroth’s past he barely remembers, are the one-two punch that knocks him on his ass. Especially in the OG game. The ‘literally who’ aspect of his demise in the original is so cathartic and funny.

Aerith was the threat in the broader context. The Last Cetra. Wielder of Holy. She lays the foundation but Cloud and Tifa are the ones (plus everyone else) that see it through.

Anyway, playing Rebirth is like playing the game again for the first time. It’s so good.

Now here’s a funny:

Also, I love the fact that most of my Cloti stuff was before I got to play that game. I didn’t know the party would have so many Cloti shippers. Feels good.

A slight shipping rant.

Now full disclosure, I am a cishet guy.

And the ships I’m a ranting against are Orin/Minthara and Cloud/Sephiroth.

This is not because it’s mlm and wlw. It’s because both relationships have heaps of abuse.

I’ve seen people rave about Sephiroth giving Cloud a hug in the latest trailer. In the middle of his burning hometown. After killing his mother and most of the inhabitants. He taunts Cloud with memories of that incident.

“Hey! Remember that time I killed your mother and burned your old home? And you could do nothing to stop me? Man, you must feel like a worthless piece of shit.”

I think of the hug, and his line during, as a cult leader manipulating a very vulnerable person. He is using Cloud and his faulty memories for his own gain. He’s not a romantic partner, he’s a televangelist.

And then there’s Orin and Minthara.

I don’t know what mental gymnastics you have to achieve the level mental dissonance to ship someone with their abuser. Minthara literally asks you not to let Orin take her. She is afraid of the shapeshifter. Minthara had her agency taken away by Orin. And some people jam them together and say “now kiss!”

I’m usually one to let people ship what they want. It ain’t my ship, I don’t engage in it. You have fun your way and I’ll do it mine. But this feels like ignoring abuse, or worse, glorifying it.

And this is all me projecting. Before getting together with my wife, I yearned for a positive romantic relationship. I felt like a lot of people took those for granted. Of course, that bled into my ships. I wanted them healthy and happy because that’s what I wanted. Seeing people push these toxic relationships is an anathema to me.

That’s all I wanted to write about. Thank you if read all that.